


Suffice It To Say

by SordidAssorted



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, a lot fluffier than I'm used to, but happy ending, but im a liar there is a lot of angst, hope that helps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-03-31 14:18:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 69,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13976895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SordidAssorted/pseuds/SordidAssorted
Summary: A blast from her not-so-happy past teaches Christen that she can’t go back and change the things that have already happened, but she can control the future and the breathtaking second chances it promises.





	1. You Live and You Learn

**Author's Note:**

> This will be the most challenging fic for me because I will make an attempt to try something new, something TOTALLY DIFFERENT than my other works. Maybe you'll understand once the story is completed.

 

 

**

 

 

The amount of politeness and gratitude that she should have been displaying was not enough, Christen knew. Her smile was not wide enough, her eyes not bright enough, and the hugs that she gave her mom and dad were not tight enough.  

They were her parents. They could tell. But even if they weren’t, Christen knew that her depression was obvious and it was sinking into every step she took and every sigh she exhaled. Her answers to their questions about her flight and the niceties exchanged were paired with a sad undertone that she hated she couldn’t hide, that she couldn't shake from her brain. 

“Are you excited to be back home?” Her mom asked as they drove down the familiar roads to a familiar destination.  

Christen let out a dry chuckle. She was the complete opposite.  

“Yeah. It will be nice to be with you guys again.” Christen nodded. She hated that she had actually been dreading this part of the deal. Christen hated that she would have to settle back into the dynamic of being cared for by someone other than herself. She felt like a child again. 

“Channing is excited that you’re coming back home.” Her dad said as he glanced at her in the rear view mirror.  

“Yeah? I miss her.” Christen said with a genuine smile as flashes of their days playing in the streets together popped into her vision. It would be nice to see her little sister again. They hadn’t connected in a long time and it would be nice to see how much she had changed. She gravitated to her little sister more than her older sister Tyler, so that memory of that relationship brought her a sense of comfort.  

Her parents had enough tact to let Christen stare out the window and just get lost in her own head as the sights of her hometown spiraled her down to her rock-bottom. Because that's where Christen Press was at, at this point in time. 

She was back home. And not for a visit. But for the help of her parents, for a lifeline. Christen was glad that her parents didn’t say anything when they looked in the rear view mirror to see tears trailing down her cheeks.  

She didn’t know what this town that trapped her when she was a kid, could do for her 30 -year-old self, but she was slowly realizing that if she wasn’t here, she didn’t know where she could go or if she would still be able to stand on her own two feet.  

She hated this place and it’s reminders of her inadequacies and the old, awkward Christen she tried to leave behind. Christen grew frustrated at her parents' insistence that she come back home to her family, wondering what they could provide her in this godforsaken town. But as she sat there staring hatefully at the old shops and the familiar homes, she was beginning to realize that she was just as good as this place. That did nothing to help her mentally. 

Christen hoped that they would let her sleep when she got home.  

“Yo.” 

Christen went in for a hug when she saw her sister who looked exactly the same when she last visited this town. She held on tight and she closed her eyes and hoped that this interaction and this person could be a lighthouse in the dark corners of her mind that she lived in. 

She was a little confused to see Channing looking back at her with a guarded look when their hug finally broke.  

“Hey…” Channing said slowly as she tried to register Christen’s actions. The younger sister looked a little taken aback from the older sister's immediate affections. 

 Christen gulped down her disappointment at the realization that her little sister didn’t feel the same way about their relationship. She was thankful when her mom guided her out of that awkwardness and to her old room citing the need for Christen to relax from her long flight. 

“Do you have a plan for today?” Stacy Press asked.  

“I’m just going to take a nap or something, if that’s okay.” The daughter responded. 

“Okay. No problem.” Her mom nodded. Then she added, “Oh your old friend Alex stopped by earlier today. She said that she’ll stop by after work if it works for you.” 

“Alex stopped by? Why didn’t she just call me?” Christen chuckled.  

Stacy shrugged before she let her daughter rest. “Alex drops in every once in awhile on her morning runs.” 

Alex Morgan and 'running' were things she never thought she would hear in the same sentence. Her childhood friend was the laziest and most unfit person she had ever met. The thought of her running on purpose everyday was a little bit laughable. But she pushed those thoughts aside when she laid down on the bed that held her up during her miserable teenage years, and fell asleep. 

 

** 

 

 “Alex!?” 

If her shock at the sight of her childhood friend wasn’t so powerful, Christen would have realized that her disbelief at the sight of Alex was actually very offensive. Channing shot Christen a look of warning to be a little bit more tactful. But Alex just smirked at her old friend. 

"You-oh my god- Alex...YOU LOOK GOOD." Christen said with widened eyes as she looked Alex up and down and turned her around like she on display. 

"I know." Alex said with a smirk. It wasn’t that Al had dropped a ton of weight or anything like that, she was always a skinny, and gangly awkward teen, but here Christen was staring at a really hot swim model that had her makeup on and just a small coat of sweat that made her look like she was just glowing.  

It was just the most impressive #transformationtuesday that she has ever seen with her own eyes.  

“Wow. I think I may have a crush on you.” Christen said as she felt herself grow a little insecure at the sight of Alex’s abs that were on full display because Alex was just tamed by a sports bra. 

“You know that the instance I want a taste of that, that you’d be the first one.” Alex said with a chuckle when she finally brought the other woman in for a long and warm hug.  

“What-How- I mean- wow.” Christen said as she took in the details of Alex’s sharper facial features coated on with what must have been makeup that cost $100+, and the highlights in her old best friend’s hair.  

“What has happened since the last time I was here?!” Christen asked as she stood there, quite amazed.  

“Chris, that was like 10 years ago.” Alex said with a smirk. It was clear that time treated Alex Morgan well, the complete opposite for Christen, at least in her own opinion.  

“I’m trying to to be tactful and polite, but I’m fucking up at it. So I’m just gonna say that you’re like…smoking hot now.” Christen said.  

“Well if you want to date me, you should take me out on a coffee date.” Alex said as she nodded in the direction of Indy Coffee, their old stomping grounds that was a walking distance away from Christen’s house. Christen waved her hand goodbye at her mom and sister when they exited.  

“So dude. What the hell? What have you been up to? I mean…who has been up you?” Christen said with a raised eyebrow and a wide grin. The muscles in her face felt a little sore at that smile, it was the first time she had smiled in a long time.  

“Not everyone.” Alex said with an eye roll.  

Christen had to admit that it felt really good to give her brain a break from her own troubles so that she could concentrate on the accomplishments and good fortune that had filled her friend’s life. Without skipping a beat as she told Christen the story about how she built and owned the only gym here in their home town, Alex ordered and paid for her friend’s usual order of a latte. 

“You…a gym? Al, you were the most un-sporty person I’ve ever known! You made me skip the running days we got tested in middle school!” Christen offered with a laugh.  

“People change.” Her now very fit and beautiful friend said with a shrug. Like it was the simplest truth. Christen thought about the person she was when she vowed to get out of this town, and the person she was now.  

 _Well not everyone changes._  

“Boyfriend?” Christen asked as they sat down at their usual table. The action of sitting down at the two seater table by the door so that they could people watch felt familiar in a good way.  

“I don’t do relationships.” Alex said with a smirk. “But as much as I’m digging your obvious crush on me, I want to talk about you…” 

Christen sighed.  

“Can I ask about your relationship?” Alex asked quietly. She looked like she was preparing for her old best friend to explode on her.  

“There’s nothing to say.” Christen said with a shrug of her own. “We’re divorced.” 

“The ‘D’ word…” Alex said with a nod. “When was it finalized?” 

“Yesterday.” Christen said before she took a huge gulp of this liquid that burned her throat. She wished it would just burn right through her heart as it squeezed at the thought of the collapse of her marriage. The death of their love was a slow burn, just like that of the liquid that was searing through her body. 

"Have you talked to To-" 

"Nope." Christen interjected. 

Alex nodded in understanding that Christen wasn't ready to talk about her ex-wife or what happened in between the beautiful wedding Alex attended five years ago, and the moment now as she looked at the very broken Christen Press. 

"I know that you were busy from work and all of that-" 

"Well, I'm not now." Christen said with a twisted grin that looked like there was a nasty aftertaste of a bad story that she was still trying to swallow and process. 

"Did you...quit, or did they let you go?" Alex asked. 

"I got up. I turned my laptop in to the guy at the tech support area...walked out.. And then chucked my phone into the Pacific." Christen said resolutely. 

"That's pretty fucking badass." Alex said, impressed by the gall of her friend, something she never thought Christen would have. 

"And now I'm back here, living with my parents, and back in this shithole." Christen said with a fake smile. "God, I'm a joke." 

"Well...speaking for all the high school deadbeats that stayed here, not all of us are that bad." 

It was said with a sad tone, paired with a sad set of eyes as Alex tried to criticize Christen, but not too harshly, because she didn't want to pile onto her misery that would finally break her friend's back. The raven-haired woman had clearly adopted a condescending view of her high school peers that were stuck here and failed to achieve the Cinderella story success that Christen Press had written for her life before this past year.  

It wasn't that Alex blamed her too much, they had both talked a lot about how they would get out of here and get rich and laugh at all of the cheerleaders in high school who would get fat in college, or the football guys that ended up being nobodies. Alex just wished that her best friend would have made an effort to keep a connection with her. It became apparent that Christen was too busy to return her phone calls, over the years. 

"I'm...I'm really sorry." Christen said softly.  

"I just got really tied into work and with Tobin's crazy schedule and all of that, I..." Christen looked up and met Alex's eyes. "I'm sorry." 

"You're forgiven." Alex said with a reassuring smile. It was a smile that Christen felt a little pang in her chest at the sight of. It just hit her how selfish and stupid she had been to let her friendship with Alex go. 

"I know life probably feels really shitty, but there's actually a good number of lesbians here now. You can find the one right here." The brown-haired woman said with a playful nudge to Christen's shoulder. 

"Oh god. I can't even think about that now, Al." She said with a shake of her head. "But...wait. There were like no lesbians when we were growing up!" 

"There were no OUT lesbians when we were growing up." Alex corrected her. "It was like the soccer team and one or two weird band kids. But it's a different time now, Press." 

Christen rolled her eyes, but she was grateful for Alex's unwavering support.  

"Alex. The last thing I want is to find myself a girlfriend and the guaranteed drama that’s gonna follow, in my fucking hometown that I don't plan on staying in for a long time." 

 

** 

 

Adjusting to a simpler lifestyle, with her days being completely free was more difficult than she ever could have imagined. Christen was used to several groups of people depending on her to make a good decision, to make a directive order, or to lead some kind of meeting. The past five days was the longest streak of days since her 20s that she went without slipping into something business-y that still made some wandering eyes attach to her backside. 

She didn't know how to dodge the constant reassurance that her dad would throw her way that she would get back on her feet after she had a well-deserved break.  

"You've never taken your foot off the gas pedal. It's okay." His words, even though they were meant to be soothing, irritated her even more. 

Christen was too depressed to venture out of her childhood home to dodge her little sister's comments that being an auditor was the lamest thing Christen could have picked as a career, anyway. She couldn't escape her mother's suggestions that she just post her resume online just to see what she could catch out there, and even though Tyler wasn't there, she wished she didn't hear her voice on her mom's phone when she said that Christen was making this biggest mistake of her life by leaving her very comfortable setup in California. 

Everyone felt the need to let her know how they felt about her situation. 

Her depression was apparent to her family as she avoided going outside, even ordering delivery to her house so that she didn't have to go out and see people from her past. The town was small enough that by now, some of her old classmates must have known of her return after her outing with Alex a few days ago. 

"Chris, baby. Delivery is expensive. Just go get some groceries or cook something here. It's a waste of money." Her dad commented when he heard the doorbell ring and his daughter had asked him to go get her lunch for her. She didn't like to interact with those people. It felt like too much work. She usually instructed them to just leave the food at her door.  

"Dad. You're forgetting that I still have some money saved up. I'm not broke." She said with a sigh. 

 _At least not yet._  

She rolled her eyes as she ate what seemed like the 20th burger she had consumed since moving back. She didn't particularly feel obligated to kicking her 'wasteful' habit of getting delivery since she had grown accustomed to it during her busy and glamorous life she had boasted about a year ago. Her safety net fund was enough for her to live very comfortably for at least two years in this small town with a much lower cost of living than her life in Westlake Village. Because, yes she had a very famous ex-wife that boasted a high paycheck, but with her very fast paced track to Director for her firm, she didn't rake in that much less during a non- World Cup year. 

It took her awhile for her to remember to pick up after herself and put her dishes in the sink, the task of doing so had died in her head a few years ago when she finally subscribed to a monthly maid service. 

Channing's response to Christen's well-intentioned suggestion that she pay for a maid to come do a cleaning every once in awhile solidified the fact that Channing was absolutely NOT excited about Christen's return. 

"Yeah, or you can just be a normal human being and pick up your shit." 

It was probably because of a lack of energy or fight left within her that she just chose not to respond. Plus, she felt like maybe she shouldn't get so comfortable in this house if this return back home were to really and truly be temporary. 

 

** 

 

"Your mom says that she thinks you're gonna get fat and ugly if I don't drag you out here." 

Even though Christen rolled her eyes, she secretly admitted to herself that her mom had a really great point. She didn't want to add 'unhealthy' to the pile of labels she put on her like a name tag everyday. The labels 'divorced' 'unemployed' and 'failure' were some of the words in that huge pile. 

“How much is a membership, Al?” She asked when she dug into her gym bag for her wallet.  

“Oh, shut your mouth.” Alex said as she typed away on a computer like she was just any other employee, not a serious entrepreneur that had created an impressive gym that she didn’t think this town really deserved. Not like she was the owner of this place. 

Alex handed her her free membership tag and nodded to the right where the elliptical and treadmills were, knowing exactly what her old best friend was going to do for her go-to exercise.  

“Al, I can pay for this.” Christen said as she felt very guilty and refused to take the tag.  

“I know you can. But I’m not going to let you.” Alex said with a shrug. It was a back and forth until Alex just stuffed it into her gym bag.  

“Thanks. You really didn’t have to.” Christen said gently. Acts of kindness were rare and seeing her old best friend continue to perform them was humbling.  

“What are best friends for?” 

It was a question that she thought about long and hard on. She wondered what kind of best friend she was. What kind of person she was.  

 

** 

 

“Oh my god.” 

Christen’s eyes widened as she tried to keep her shit together and her legs still pumping as she struggled to finish the third mile. Her pathetic endurance that had waned and was begging her body to give a break, was pushed aside when she saw a very familiar blonde ponytail bounce across the gym when the person it was attached to walked to the leg press machine.  

Christen sort of ducked, trying to somehow hide herself from view. She slowed down the speed of her run while she furiously pushed the – button to get it to a pace where she could hope off safely and find Alex.  

“Oh my fucking god, why didn’t you tell me that Kristie uses your gym?” Christen said as she waltzed into her best friend ‘s(Alex still deserved that title now more than ever) office.  

Alex laughed. “Chris, everyone uses my gym. Literally anyone you can think of goes here. It’s like the only gym. I’m a genius.” 

The brown haired woman got up from behind her desk and looked through the blinds of the windows that surrounded her office.  

“Yeah. Mewis is usually here around this time.” Alex said as she looked at her watch.  

“Ugh. I hate her.” Christen said as she wiped the huge amount of sweat on her face.  

“Oh she’s still a bitch. She hasn’t changed a bit.” Alex said with reassurance. “But I see her all the time. She’s the cheerleading coach so she has a figure to keep.” 

“Are you friends with her…?” Christen joined her best friend in spying on people, Kristie especially, through her office window.  

“How dare you ask me that!” Alex playfully swatted her on the arm. “But in all fairness, that group of hers back in the day, some of them are cool. Like Allie, Kelley, and Rachel are decent, and the rest of them are miserable with their husbands and kids that they don’t have time or energy to be mean girls anymore.  

Even though they were all 30 or nearing it, Christen had a hard time grasping the concept of a universe in which what Alex just said was true. Kristie still looked like a mean girl/woman. Her and her crowd bullied Christen and Alex all throughout her childhood. And her and her (eventual) girlfriend Kelley O’Hara, had pulled THE MOST embarrassing and scarring prank on her during their freshman year of high school that Christen missed a week of school to glue herself back together.  

“Get used to seeing them.” Alex said with a smirk. “They all know you’re back in town.” 

She let out a groan at the thought.  

“Don’t sweat it Press! You’re like a a billionaire hot-looking model with a moderately famous ex and a car that costs more than some college kids tuition. I don’t think that you should be the one dreading this high school reunion.” 

Christen wanted to mentally refute every word that Alex just said, but she just nodded.  

“Someone as hot as you and I shouldn’t be hiding here in this office to avoid Plain-Jane Mewis over there who makes $30k a year and struggles to make her car payment on her Kia. Go finish your workout.” Alex said with a wink before she went back to work.  

She followed her best friend’s advice and she got back on the treadmill she was on previously. She kept that blonde and the familiar figures of some of her old classmates that she didn’t want to study too closely, in her peripherals. She fueled the rest of her five mile workout with the buzz of just  _knowing_ that Kristie and company spotted her, and they were watching her.  

Christen never looked their way directly, but she could tell by the stillness of their postures and the way they huddled closely to whisper to each other that they were talking about her.  

Whether it be good or bad, the buzz of being the topic of gossip made her feel like somebody.  

She hadn’t felt that in a long time. 

 

** 

 

“Suffice it to say, high school never ends.” Christen said with a smirk.  

“Yeah well, Mewis was just a fucking bitch.” Channing said when the older sister just walked in and laid on her sister’s bed while Channing perused her college calculus textbook. 

“I feel bad for the next generation of cheerleaders that have her as a coach.” Channing said with a chuckle.  

“Alex said that they knew I was home before she saw me.” Christen said.  

“Well, no doubt.” Channing said as she closed her book. “I didn’t hear anything about them knowing, but this town is way too small.” 

 _You got that right._  

“You don’t want to leave?” Christen asked.  

The younger sister shrugged.  

“Didn’t you always agree with me that I would go to the west coast and you go to the east coast and the Press sisters would conquer the country as Tyler rots in the south?”  

They both laughed at that. It was nice to see Channing not reject the idea of having a conversation with her like she had for the past few days since Christen’s arrival. This relationship was another one that she didn’t realize she had to repair.  

Christen Press was beginning to realize that she did have an altered view of the life and the people she left behind when she went to go make a name for herself. She wanted to know how much of the visions of this town and it’s people in her head were actually true.  

“Don’t you want to get out of here? Don’t you want to be happy?” Christen asked softly. Because it didn’t seem like Channing was.  

“Are  _you_ happy?” Channing responded with a thoughtful and knowing gaze.  

This was a question that she knew the answer to. But she didn’t say it out loud.  

 

** 

 

“Dad. I swear, it’ll be the last one this week!” Christen defended when she saw her dad’s face morph into disapproval at the sound of the doorbell. After all, she really was hungry and couldn’t wait for him and her mom to finish cooking for the family. She simply didn’t operate on their schedule yet. 

She had a little more energy to fight back since her endorphins had been unleashed from her unexpectedly satisfying workout that Alex had forced her to endure, the one that she knew was gonna make her sore tomorrow. 

The 30-year-old had the unusual energy to open the door this time and interact with someone that was kind enough to handle her food.  

“How much do I ow-“ 

Christen stopped mid-sentence. 

She felt her heart beat rise and she had the sudden urge to cringe inwards, and close the door, turn back time, and make her dad get the delivery for her. Christen felt the heat in her cheeks. She felt the urge to cringe even harder than when she saw Kristie Mewis at the gym.  

“Hey….” It was a greeting loaded with an ‘I know you’ tone of familiarity that manifested in a voice that drew out that last end of that word that broke the silence.  

She saw the woman’s eyes across from her soften at the realization of whom she was delivering this food to.  

“Um…Hi.” Christen responded after she blinked a few times. She gave a smile with a gently amused expression that she hoped would indicate that she didn’t find this interaction as cringeworthy as she really did. It was just as cringeworthy as the thought of her high school self.  

The version of her that this woman before her used to torment.  

“Christen Press. How are you?” Kelley O’Hara asked with a luminous smile that didn’t fit the narrative of their past. 

“I’m uh..I’m good. How are you?”  She asked, not knowing what was appropriate for this type of interaction. Do you act polite to someone who used to bully you as a kid? 

“I’m good.” 

Christen noticed the way Kelley was looking at her with this steadfast gaze that seemed to be unique to Kelley O’Hara. It was an intrigued and curious one. She remembered how riveting it could be when she would look at Christen when Kristie would call high school Christen something nasty. She remembered seeing that gaze when their eyes sometimes met in the hallways. It was never a menacing stare. It was always just one that unapologetically observed her. Rachel Daly and Allie Long, Kristie’s two best friends, never looked at her like that. They usually just smirked at her. 

She never knew what Kelley O’Hara’s deal was. But she knew enough that they were never close enough for this woman to smile at her like she was now.  

“I uh- Channing never said that you were visiting.” Kelley said with kindness that confused Christen even more than the words she had just said.  

“Oh I-um…” She wasn’t really prepared for this. Christen looked down at the bag of food in the woman’s hand.  

“Oh. My bad. Here.” The freckled woman said before she handed the food over and then gave Christen another grin that expressed amusement at her own actions.  

“How much do I owe you?” Christen asked as the heat in her cheeks started to burn. She was definitely not prepared for this meeting and she wanted it to end.  

“Oh-“ Kelley shook her head like she was trying to think straight. “Um- yeah I-I can just add it to your sister’s tab if you wanted.”  

 _Channing_ _has a tab?_  

“Oh. Okay. Well at least take my tip.” Christen said as she broke away from Kelley’s stare and fumbled for a five.  

“Don’t worry about it.” The woman said with a soft reassurance. It seemed like Kelley was finding this encounter almost worth it. 

“No Kelley, seriously I-“ 

“Is that Kevin?” Christen heard her sister’s voice call out from behind her.  

Christen turned towards the voice and then back around to the figure in front of her. She swore that she’d seen Kelley smile at her more times now then the 14 years they had the same classes with each other since kindergarten. 

“Kevin come here!”  

The older sister had no idea what was going on when her old school classmate casually walked in past her and into her little sister’s room. The confident way this stranger entered her home bewildered her.  

Christen shut the door behind her and tried to wrap her brain around the fact that this person whom she once considered a bully, seemed to be more welcomed and more comfortable in her childhood home than herself when she heard Kelley say ‘Sup dude!’ 

“Who’s that?” Her mom asked when she had walked into the kitchen to take out her food and eat it somewhere far away from this blast from the past. Or at least in a different room than her.  

“Um… Kelley O’Hara.” The older daughter replied with a shrug.  

“Ah. Okay.” Stacy said nonchalantly before she went back to helping her husband cook a meal for just the three family members that were going to partake in their dinner.  

Their reactions confused her even more. She munched down on the sandwhich that she had ordered in order to chew on something.  

She sat and munched on it when she thought about if this was real life.

“It smells really good in here.” 

The older daughter turned to see her old acquaintance walk into her kitchen.  

“We cooked enough for you to have a plate. Do you have time or do you gotta go?” Cody press asked.  

“Um..” Christen saw the hesitation in the woman’s face as she glanced at Christen. It seemed like she was gauging Christen’s level of obvious discomfort. “I gotta get back and make more deliveries. Another night?” 

The genuine sadness on Christen’s parents’ faces at Kelley’s response officially weirded her out. How much of life here in the Press house changed since she last visited? How close were they to this woman?  

“Before you leave!” Stacy ordered Christen to get $50 from her purse.  

“Oh no Stacy-“  

“You didn’t do it for free. I’m not doing this with you again.” The mom warned when she could sense that Kelley was going to refuse the money. The mom gave the freckled woman a smile as Christen ventured to the other room to find her mom’s purse. 

But after roaming the house and declaring that it was nowhere in sight, she just grabbed $60 from her pocket and followed her classmate out to the door when she saw Kelley nervously waiting for her in the living room. 

“Oh. Here’s a $10 back.” Kelley said before she gave Christen another smile when she pocketed the money.  

“No. It’s my tip.”

At the pained expression on the woman’s face, Christen begged, “Please. Plus my family’s been delaying you from doing your other deliveries.” 

She wasn’t too sure why or how a 30 -year-old grown ass woman was making deliveries, but if she was, then she probably needed the money more than Christen did.  

“Yeah. But it’s you guys. Chris I- I don’t take tips from the Press family.”

 _You guys? Chris?_  

Only those that were close could call her that. 

“Listen, I appreciate it.” Kelley was holding her stare so intently with Christen that the raven-haired woman didn’t notice the sly way Kelley had slipped the $10 back into her own pocket. Christen didn’t realize that Kelley didn’t take the $10 until later that night.  

“I really genuinely do. But I gotta get back.” 

The woman pointed at a truck parked that was on the curb right in front of her house before she turned to head towards it. Christen just stood there, too interested in this strange encounter for her to move right away.  

“Oh um-“ Kelley turned back around to look at her.  

“It was really nice to see you, Christen.” Kelley said softly. Christen could not recall one time in which the woman had spoken to her like that. Kelley shot her another smile before she hopped into her car, and drove away.  

Christen lingered for awhile, thinking about what things have changed, and how much of it was still the same. She thought about the people she’s seen from her past.  

It intrigued her.  

 

** 

 

“Get your lazy ass in those tights and you got three minutes before I dress you myself.” Alex said with a commanding tone as she stood over Christen’s bed.  

Christen didn’t know how someone could look like a model at six in the morning, let alone have the energy to wake her depressed self up.  

“Al didn’t you get the memo that it’s the fucking morning??” Christen groaned from underneath the piles of pillows she put on top of her head to block off the demands of her friend.  

“Ha- Ha. C’mon let’s go. Your mom is gonna get so pissed at you if you don’t go on this run with me.” Alex said.  

Christen removed the pillows from her face. “You talk to my mom a lot.” 

“I replaced one Press for the other.” Alex shrugged, knowing that it would shut her up.  “This isn’t optional by the way. Channing told me what you’ve been eating.”  

She narrowed her eyes in suspicion of this town being TOO small for her liking.  

“Allie Long said that she got on the treadmill after you. Said you did five miles. We are gonna do six today.” Alex said with a smile before she went to the kitchen to find a banana.

 _This town is_ _definitely_   _way too small._  

Christen eventually changed her clothes and started the run.

“Allie Long huh? Another best friend of yours now?” Christen questioned through her heavy breaths. It became clear two miles in, that the raven-haired woman was going to jog on this journey.  

“Nooo. But she’s not that bad anymore.” Alex said with a shrug as she struggled to keep a slower pace than usual.  

“Yeah. I saw Kelley O’Hara last night at my door. Delivering my food…which I won’t order anymore..” Christen added at the sight of Alex’s disapproving face.  

“Good. Because get used to the fact that I’ve been recruited as your personal trainer, paid for by your parents.” Alex said with a smirk. Christen laughed but she was really hoping that it wasn’t true.  

“Yeah, but Kelley’s usually over there repairing something for your dad.” Alex said.  

“Uhhhh. Who what where when and why?” Christen asked when she slowed down to a walking pace. “How- is this real life? You’re hanging out with Allie Long and Kelley O’Hara is an on-call handyman for my family?” 

Alex chuckled. It was an amused reaction to this very successful and powerful woman’s flailing like a fish out of water in the most basic of towns.  

“First of all, I’m not hanging out with Allie.” Alex said with a smirk. “And second, things have changed Chris. I mean we’re not teenagers anymore. Life didn’t pause here when you left.” 

At least Alex was still the same in personality. She was a lot hotter and a lot more energetic, but she was still the blunt voice that told Christen exactly how it is.  

“Speaking of life. How did you manage to open a gym? When did you become a trainer? What have I missed on the last few years of her life??”  Christen asked.  

The whole jog to finish the last few miles of their run was not long enough to cover all that she had missed in Alex’s life. It made Christen sad.

The gym owner was in the middle of talking about her latest ex-boyfriend Servando and their breakup when they opened the doors to their favorite coffee place.  

“Oh no! Trouble just walked in.” 

Christen heard the barista behind the bar yell out before she saw the smirk that was on Alex’s face.  

Was Christen hanging out with the most popular person in town? 

 _Shit, things really have changed._  

 _“_ Oh hey Chris.” Came the unexpected and soft voice of Kelley O’Hara smiling at the both of them as they walked up.  

“The usual Al?” The woman asked. The gym owner nodded her head before she squinted her eyes in analysis of Christen’s face and ordered three shots of espresso she’s never had before that she suspected Christen would like and need.  

“Sick. Starting the day off on the hard stuff. I approve.” Kelley said before she gave Christen another one of those intense stares before she  got to work to fill their order.  

“Dude. Why is she so weird?” Christen whispered when they sat at their usual table and waited for their drinks.  

“What do you mean?” Alex asked with a furrowed brow.  

“Does she not always give you those weirdly long looks or- I don’t know how to explain it, but does she not just look at you when you’re talking to her for just like a second too long for it to be comfortable?” Christen demanded. “I don’t know but that girl always makes weird eye contact with me.” Christen said as she tried to keep her voice down.  

“You’ve seen her like two times.” Alex responded with an eye roll.  

“No! I mean she always-“ 

Christen cut off her sentence when the subject of their conversation approached their table with their drinks.  

“Thanks Kell.” Alex said when she stirred the cream in her coffee.  

“Yeah um, thanks.” Christen said, feeling awkward and that it would be rude not to follow Alex’s lead.  

Kelley shrugged before she gave them another smile. “You guys out on one of Alex’s crazy runs?” 

“More like a walk.” Alex muttered under her breath. Christen noted that she was going to have to get back at her at some point for that embarrassing sentence. She stared Alex down but her best friend clearly didn’t care when she winked at her in response.  

“Ah. Well don’t feel too bad.” Kelley said.

Christen noticed it again. This woman was looking too intensely at her and only her. It was making her feel insecure. “Alex is a maniac that is ALMOST as fit as me.” 

Christen looked back at Alex to see her best friend shrugging and accepting the barista’s statement.  

“Let me know if you guys need anything else.” Kelley said. Christen swore that her lingering stare didn’t even point Alex’s way.  

“You see what I’m talking about?!” Christen hushed.  

Alex shook her head and playfully rolled her eyes again.  

“Chris, she was just being nice. And she was asking YOU that question. Of course she’s looking at you.”  

“No Morgan. You’re crazy. She’s always been like that. It’s like she always gives me one of those looks like she’s planning on what else her and Kristie can say to shit on me.” 

Alex waved it off.  

“You’re paranoid. And in her defense it was really only Kristie that was the fucking bitch.” 

It was Christen’s turn to roll her eyes.  

“Two kinds of evil, Al. Those that do bad things, and those that watch and let it happen.” 

“True that.” Alex said with a slow nod. “But anyways, let me tell you about when I threw Servando’s Xbox out the window.” 

 

** 

 

After a week of sloth like behavior for Christen, the only productive thing she had done was workout with Alex at least once a day, Stacy Press made it known that her middle child better go and volunteer or do something (ANYTHING!) other than waste away on the couch watching television.  

“You can at least clean…?” Her dad said with a playful shrug when he pointed at the dirty dishes in the sink.  

Christen tried to not show it on her face how offended she genuinely felt at the suggestion. She wasn't quite used to having to do that anymore. 

“I’ll find something.” She said before she walked out of the kitchen, neglecting to do what was asked of her.   

Christen: what are you doing? 

Alex: working 

Christen: Ugh. Gross.  

She felt like maybe she should be doing the same. Thoughts of her worthlessness were ever present but her depression piqued when something reminded her of it.  

Alex: go to the beach and stare at half naked women. It’s a lot nicer now.  

Alex: I’m talking about the beach 

Alex: …and the quality of the women  ;) 

Alex: I’ll leave here around 10p : ( 

After pouting in her room for a solid hour, she grabbed a pen, a notebook, put on a big floppy hat and some designer sunglasses. She put on a bathing suit that she hadn't used in awhile. She threw an umbrella in the back of her car and tried to ignore the curious looks her mom was sending her way. 

"I'll be back." Was all Christen gave as an explanation. She didn't want to talk and she didn’t want to go into detail, and she didn't want to feel like she was 17 again and her mom was on her ass about where she was going and what time she would be home. She gave a wave goodbye because she ought to at least be polite, and then left. 

Christen was actually quite happy that Alex had reminded her of their spot at the beach. Their small beach town had about two miles of shore before it became dangerous and dicey for someone to continue walking to be with the water. The town didn’t extend much longer than that.

Her and teenage Alex always picked this spot by the last lifeguard tower that hid them from the rest of the world. Since it was near the edge of the rock wall and the yellow tower that was on the right of their spot, it was perfect spot that let them both be in the shade, or bask in the sun. All they had to do was move a few feet. 

Her and Alex had spent many evenings after school gossiping, crying, sleeping, and tanning here in this spot. Christen smiled when she parked her car and saw that the spot was empty. 

Unfolding the huge umbrella, laying down on the thick towel she brought, and feeling the sun beat on her suntan lotion-filled legs at least let her feel like she was in California. She thought that maybe she could capture that feeling of being normal, being happy again. California gave her that every time, except for the last days she had there.

She found herself at peace. The world was silenced, the negative voices in her head were silenced, and all she could hear was the soothing sound of the waves as they crashed. The wind blew through her curly hair and for a long while she just stared at the ocean, wondering if it would give her any answers. 

Christen pulled out her pen and her small notebook and wrote down the answers that she thought the ocean was giving to her. She wrote down anything and everything that she wanted to, anything that popped in her mind, and she didn't care that this regurgitated mess of her mind was making no sense as she wrote down words on a paper. 

She hadn't done this in a long time. Christen couldn't recall when she had ever done this since she had started her entry level job with the firm. It seemed so long ago, but she had to remind herself that really it was not that long ago. She had just exceeded the expected timeline. 

Sometimes when her and Alex didn't want to talk or it was just a comfortable silence, teenage Christen would write down things. Anything. It felt nice to do it again as a 30 -year-old, having more sorrows and tales to write down now then she did back then.

Christen didn't even realize that the sun was going down, but not quite ready to set, when she finally looked up from the couple of pages she had filled with words. 

She was genuinely surprised to see that she had spent four hours on the beach when she checked her phone. She let her eyes adjust to the view and she looked around to take in her surroundings. There were a few more people that were in the surrounding area from when she first arrived, but they were a distance away. Christen felt at ease. 

She watched a kid yell her head off as she chased some birds, she watched a couple hold hands as the walked the wet shore in the opposite direction of her, and she watched a woman run barefooted to the edge of the sand close to where she was. 

Christen lifted her sunglasses to see that it was Kelley O'Hara. 

 _I know this is a small town, but geez._  

She wondered if it was like this back in the day and she always ran into her classmates, or if this town was getting smaller. 

Christen was a good 30 yards away from the woman so she felt safe with this distance to just watch Kelley quickly turn back around when she reached the rocky cliff and picked up her speed as she ran back the way she came from. 

If it was true, and she was pretty sure it was, that Christen should get used to seeing people from her past as warned by Alex, she started to think about how she would act if and when she interacted with classmates of her old days.  

 _Okay, you can't be snobby._ By the looks on her family's face, they thought she was. 

 _You have to be kind, but you have to assert yourself as someone not to be messed with. The instant Kristie says something bitchy, because it's her and it's gonna happen, give her cold bitch stare. The one you give when you're in a meeting with the c-suite of a client that is giving you a hard time. That usually works._  

 _Say you're taking your long overdue sabbatical. Tell people that you and Tobin had a mutual separation. Careers got in the way and it was time to part. I mean that's basically half true..._  

When she had talked herself through the story she was going to feed and the approach she was going to take with people from her past, she looked up to see Kelley running in the direction of the cliff again like it was the finish line of a full marathon. When the woman finally reached it, she was bent over in exhaustion. Christen grew curious about who this person was. 

Again, she thought she was a safe distance away from Kelley, so she felt safe to sit up with her sunglasses on and just watch her as she wiped the sweat from her face onto her arms and walked up the ramp to the yellow lifeguard tower that Christen sat next to, in the many days of her past  

She saw Kelley stop in her tracks. Then she saw Kelley catch her staring. 

"Hey." It was a very soft and kind greeting. 

"Hey." Christen called back, but feeling herself cringe at the fact that she got caught. She realized that she was not THAT far from the tower, and now she felt like a creeper. Christen watched as Kelley went through the door of that room that lifeguards usually sat in to keep watch of the ocean, only to come out again with a shirt on over her sports bra. 

She felt all the muscles in her body tense when she realized that the woman was walking in her direction.  

"It’s good to see you." Kelley said before she smiled and sat down next to Christen. From this close, Christen could see the freckles on her face that seemed to be darker and more inflamed from the heat of her blood from her run, or the sun that blazed above them. 

"Is it?" Christen replied. It came out quicker than she could process and if she thought about it more, she would have never said it, but she didn't regret asking it.  _No one messes with me._  

"It is for me." Kelley said with a shrug and another small smile. She said it so simply, like she didn't recognize the bite to Christen's words and the question it was really asking:  _Why_ _are you being nice to me?_  

 _"_ I heard you're in back in town for awhile." Kelley's rapt attention to her face was present. 

"Oh yeah? Who did you hear that from?" 

"Your sister." The woman smirked, but her eyes never left Christen's. She had to admit that she didn't have what it takes to be the last one to look away. Christen didn't know if it was a challenge, or if this was just the way Kelley O'Hara was. She wouldn't have known though, she didn't really have many positive interactions with Kelley and her friends. 

"How do you and my sister know each other, again?" Christen inquired. 

Kelley relaxed her back onto the sand and propped herself up on her elbow to face her when she explained that she had been a regular guest in the Press house because Mr. Press had employed her to fix almost everything broken in that house. Kelley said with a shrug that her and Channing just clicked.  

"So...you're like a...handywoman?" Christen chuckled. "Is that what you do..?" 

Kelley let out a hearty laugh and Christen caught the sight of the woman's insanely white and bright teeth that showed every time she smiled. She didn't think that she remembered that teenager Kelley had teeth THIS nice. 

"I do a LOT of things." Kelley said with a softness to her eyes that made Christen believe that there was a back story, and one with a lot of hardships. She wasn't sure that it was the same type of obstacles she faced as Christen’s career took off. 

"Like what?" Christen said as she shifted in her spot. If Kelley O'Hara was going to act like they were old time friends, then she questioned her like she would a friend. Friends tell each other about their hardships. 

"I'm pretty sure you've seen me at almost all my jobs." Kelley chuckled. "But it's my day off." 

"Must be nice." There was an edge to Christen's voice, but she wasn't so sure that Kelley was picking up on it. The woman was still looking at her with her intense gazes and small smiles. 

"What are you writing?" Kelley asked when she nodded at the notebook that was on the edge of the towel Christen was sitting on. She grabbed it before Kelley could when she saw her make a move for it. 

"Ah. Pensive and Mysterious. You were always like that back in the day." Kelley nodded with a soft and knowing look. 

Christen felt a little thrown off from her balance at that statement. Kelley knew nothing about how she was 'back in the day' and it was irritating her that this woman was acting like she did. The expressions on her face and the unapologetic way she engaged in conversation with Christen was confusing her because it kind of made her feel like Kelley  _did_  know her in the past. 

But she resisted the thought. 

 _It was a mirage._  

"Oh yeah? And what were you like back in the day Kelley?" That question had a lot more venom and it was clear that Kelley knew it. 

But after a hot second, the woman just shrugged again and smiled, "A child." 

Kelley admitted it with a nod of her head, a reassurance that she wasn't as ignorant as Christen thought she must have been. 

"But...you live and you learn." 

Christen watched as the woman got up and brushed the sand from her shorts. 

"So I guess uh...I guess I'll see you tonight?" The freckled woman asked. 

"Uh...excuse me?" 

Kelley softly hit herself on the forehead to express how dumb she felt. "Sorry, I meant for dinner. Your mom invited me." 

"Oh. Um...Maybe?" Christen didn't know what to respond. She wanted to give herself the opportunity to skip out on it. "I might go out." 

"Oh." Kelley looked authentically sad at that. "Well I guess...I usually eat over there once a week. Maybe another time?" 

Christen started folding her towel to avoid looking at Kelley's face. 

"Uh Yeah. If I'm still here in town." She said with a nod of her head. 

"Okay." Kelley looked a little confused. "I thought- I thought I remembered Channing say last week that you were gonna stick around for awhile?" 

Christen closed the umbrella and wrapped it's strap around it. "Well...I don't really have a solid game plan. I might just go and travel or something while I'm on my sabbatical." 

"Got it." The freckled woman said with a slow nod. 

"Well, if it's worth anything...I hope you stick around." Kelley said softly, like she actually meant it. She waved goodbye and then walked back to the tower. 

 

** 

 

"It's fucking weird!" She hushed into the phone as she swiped her card to pay for the few items her mom asked her to pick up from the store. 

"Well it's not that weird, Chris!" She heard Alex exasperatedly say through her phone. "It's just weird to you." 

"Alex. Stop playing. You really don't think that having a bully from your past become best friends with your family isn't weird?! She's acting like I'm her friend..." 

She heard Alex sigh when someone in the background was calling Alex's name. 

"Look, I'm going to finish up here. But no, it's not that weird. Really. Kelley's chill. She's fine. I don't think she hangs out with Kristie all that much. Like dude...it's been like...15 years. Calm down. I gotta go! This guy's gonna throw a fit." 

Christen rolled her eyes as she walked back to her car and wondered how childish she was probably being.  How much of Alex's words were accurate?  _Maybe I do need to let it go. I don't want to be the immature one._  

She hated this town. 

Before she closed the door to her driver's seat, she looked up because a pair of bright lights were being shown her way, temporarily blinding her. 

When her vision returned, she wished that she would have the excuse of blindness to erase the sight of a grown ass Kristie Mewis smirking at her like she did 15 years ago, before she walked into the store. 

 _And I'm the immature one?_  

On her drive home, she knew that Alex wasn't going to get off of work in time to be an excuse to not be home at dinner, and she knew that she would have to give one since she had to drop off some of the stuff she bought from the store for her parents to use for dinner. She hated her life. 

"Hey, I hope you don't mind. Kevin's gonna be over for dinner..." Christen looked up from her spot on the bed to see her little sister standing by her door. 

"Why do you call her Kevin?" She inquired. 

Channing chuckled. "You'll find out. Trust me." 

Christen nodded. "You're really good friends with her?" 

The little sister nodded. "Is that...okay?" Channing looked genuinely curious. 

"Yeah dude!" The older sister knew that her voice was too high pitched to be reassuring. "It's cool. I got nothing against her." 

It was far from the truth, but she knew that it was the right thing to say when Channing smiled. 

"Cool. She's really cool. I'm surprised you guys didn't hang out in high school." 

 

**

 

Because her life was riddled with bad luck, just look at her life this past year for evidence, everyone else was too busy to get the door when it rang. Christen groaned. 

There was no one else in this world that it could be, other than Kelley O'Hara. 

She opened it after she mentally prepared herself to be tough.  _You have to be kind, but you have to assert yourself as someone not to be messed with._  

 _"_ Hey. I thought you were going out?” 

Christen failed to return the greeting as she took in the sight of Kelley in an outfit that made Christen realize why she was given the nickname 'Kevin'. She didn't feel so guilty at her up and down inspection of the woman, knowing that a sign of confidence was necessary to be the strong one when a deal was going down. She didn't know what this 'deal' was that she had with Kelley O'Hara, but it was evident that they had one because the woman before her had scanned her up and down, too. 

Christen then noticed the orchids in Kelley's hands. 

 _Did... did she bring flowers...?_  

This whole exchange probably lasted for a total of five seconds, but it seemed to all be in slow motion. Christen looked at the flowers in the woman’s hands before she met Kelley’s gaze again and looked at her in question.  

Kelley was pretty forward with her kindness, but it would be totally mental if she had bought Christen some flowers. In all honesty, she wouldn’t have minded an apology for being so shitty when they were kids, but this was…weird.  _And maybe kind of thoughtful?_  

And Kelley was smirking at her right back, like she knew what Christen was thinking.  

“What…are those…for…me?” 

“Come in! Come in!” Stacy called out from the kitchen. 

Christen stepped aside to let the freckled woman come in.  

“Thanks for picking them up. You think they’ll be a good piece for this room? I think it’ll bring happiness!” Stacy said before she gave Kelley a kiss on the cheek like she was one of their daughters, and brought the flowers and put them on the table.  

“I think they’ll definitely make this happy home, even happier. And prettier.” She heard Kelley respond before she sought refuge in her bedroom from the embarrassment of that whole encounter.  

It felt like high school all over again.  

Christen screamed into her pillow and laid there like a useless log for 15 minutes until Channing came in to retrieve her for dinner.  

She tried to compose herself and resume her confident nature when she entered the kitchen.  

Christen was assigned to sit right next to Kelley. She pouted.

 _Of course._  

“Don’t look so depressed baby. You’re here with family.” Her dad said when he started passing around the bread.  

 _“_ Don’t worry.” Kelley whispered when she leaned in towards Christen. She gave her a reassuring look. 

“I’ll make sure to bring you some flowers to make you happy next time.” 

Kelley winked at her. 

Christen felt her jaw clench tight when she saw the way Kelley was smirking into her plate of potatoes.

 

 

 **

 


	2. Redemption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley asks some hard questions. But Christen does too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...it’s angsty but it’s like also fluff! I don’t know guys. I tried.

** 

 

For the most part, Christen felt like she had acted very politely and appropriately throughout the dinner. She had laughed at all of the jokes, she had answered Kelley’s questions about auditing, and she even managed to keep a small smile plastered on her face when her mom explained to their guest that Christen was just on a little vacation, and that she would be back to work in no time.  

“Speaking of work,” Christen said when she cleared her throat of the nasty words she would have liked to have given her mom in that moment, “How did this happen?” 

Christen pointed at Kelley and then waved her hand at them.  

“What?” Her dad asked.  

“This-“ She connected Kelley and him with her fingers, indicating their work relationship.  

“Oh!” Her dad exclaimed when he registered what she was asking. “Uh I think one day Channing had just stopped at Dan’s store to pick up- what was it Kelley- it was a –“ 

“A toilet flush valve.” Kelley finished for him, her face clearly amused.  

“Right. One of those things because according to the YouTube, that’s why the toilet was making weird leaking sounds, and I guess Channing said that she didn’t know how she would put it on and then Kelley was there and-“ 

“I felt bad for her.” Kelley said with a smirk. She put a hand on Christen’s arm, a gesture that really didn’t mean much if you weren’t a paranoid person, but Christen was reading far much more into it. 

“She asked my dad how to do it and when he explained she just looked like a lost baby deer.” Kelley said when she gave Channing a little pat on the shoulder.

“I just offered to do it for her.” 

“Which we thought Channing had done it by herself and I was actually proud of her,” her mom said, “but we found out her secret when your father went back to the store to pick something else.”  

Kelley smirked. “I asked him if that toilet was working fine and he was so confused as to why I was asking him about his toilet.” 

The family chuckled. 

“Needless to say, I paid Kelley when we found out.” Stacy Press said when she rolled her eyes at her youngest daughter.  

“Whatever, I still don’t know why I’m getting shit for it.” The youngest daughter said with an eye roll of her own, “I got us the cheapest and best handy person out there.” 

Christen’s parents had to agree with that. They went on to detail the times Kelley fixed their dishwasher, the garage door, the water heater, you name it. The house was so old that Kelley’s services became pretty constant.  

“How’d you learn all that?” Christen asked with a raised eyebrow.  

Kelley shrugged. “My dad owns the hardware store. And I worked there for a little bit after high school.” 

“Oh like for a part time job or something?” Christen asked. She felt like she was making a better effort to not be so childish like Alex was accusing of. She was engaging in adult conversation with her acquaintances.

“Nah. Like a full time job.” Kelley said simply  

“Oh.” Christen replied. “So you had a full time job and you went to school? That’s pretty impressive.” 

Channing cleared her throat.  

“Nope. I just had the full time job.” Kelley said with a shrug.  

“Oh. Wasn’t- didn’t you- weren’t you going to play soccer in college somewhere? I don’t really remember the details- but didn’t you sign somewhere?” Christen asked. She tore her eyes away from their guest when she noticed her mom put down her fork on her plate and look away and her dad looking anywhere but at his middle child.  

“Yeah I did.” Kelley said with smile. She was the only one that seemed to be okay with Christen’s line of questioning. 

“I dropped out freshman year.” The woman explained.  

 _Oh._  

The tension in the room was starting to make sense.  

“I-I’m sorry Kelley. I didn’t know that was what-“ 

“Don’t be sorry.” Kelley said with a chuckle. Christen felt the woman put her hand on her arm again, “I don’t regret it.” 

“Yeah you don’t!” Channing called out. “Because then if you had stayed you would have become something boring like an auditor.” 

There was a moment when everyone waited to see Christen’s reaction to that very risky joke of Channing’s. The topic of Christen’s career was still a sensitive topic to everyone. Kelley had taken her hand away from Christen’s arm in the event that she would storm away in reproach of everyone’s humor.  

“She’s right. Don’t become an auditor. It’s pretty boring.” Christen said in response.  

Everyone relaxed. 

“It’s not that boring. You enjoyed it! You were good at it!” Her mom said.  

Christen tried so hard to not show the irritation that was crawling up her neck. She knew that Channing's words were not filled with as much passive aggression that her mom's seemingly kind words were. Christen knew better. 

“No mom. I love cleaning the dishes so much more than my old job. Speaking of which, everyone out. I’ll clean.” Christen said with a smile she hoped hid the frustration that was brewing. It seemed to please her mom. 

 

** 

 

“Hi.” 

Christen looked up when she was drying the inside of one of the cups. 

“Hey.” Christen put the cup down slowly when she saw Kelley standing in the doorway to the kitchen with her jacket on like she was about to head out. 

"You got bored of Channing already?" 

"I’m always bored with her." Kelley replied with a soft smile.

"I said bye to your parents already, but I'm...I'm going to head out." 

Christen was glad that she had the alone time to do something that would distract her mind from the apology that was on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to give this woman, but she knew as they stood there in the kitchen, that she ought to do so.

“I’m sorry if I may have brought up- I really didn’t know that about you and college- I didn’t know that it was a sensitive subject.” Christen said. She hadn’t realized that it may have been a faux pas on her part, and regardless of her confusion with the woman, she wasn’t mean-spirited.

At least, Christen hoped that she wasn’t. She was learning a lot of things about herself in her time here back home.

“Hey. Don’t worry about it.” Kelley said softly. She walked closer and picked up a rag and wordlessly started drying a plate.  

“Dropping out of college was probably the best decision I’ve ever made.” Kelley said with a smile.  

“Now your parents might not like to hear that in front of their youngest daughter that is already hating college, but…” the woman trailed off and just continued to observe Christen. It was that stare again.  

And for a second, Christen tried to keep eye contact with her, try to beat Kelley at her own game like she did before , but…she wasn’t strong enough. She looked back down and grabbed another plate to dry.  

“Hey um…” Christen could see that Kelley was still staring at her when she started to speak.

“Speaking of sorry’s...I’m really sorry about the…ya know…the divorce.” 

All they both could hear was the rags slip against the smooth wet surfaces of the plates for awhile. Christen had her eyebrow furrowed as she tried to understand how this stranger knew about one of the most devastating things to have happened to her in her life.  

She was starting to resent her little sister.  

“How do you know about that?” She inquired without looking up from the next plate she grabbed.  

“Common knowledge, I guess.” 

Christen looked up. She didn’t know what that meant. It could have been her sister , her mother, some crazy posts on tumblr dedicated to her ex, or it could have been gossip that had spread like wildfire.  

“Anyways. I…I truly can’t say that I know what you’re going through, but I really am sorry.” 

Christen nodded slowly. She would take the nice words. She had yet to have a real conversation with her parents about her failed marriage, mostly because they were abiding by her wishes for them not to push having that conversation, so it was unexpected for this acquaintance of hers to just look her in the eye in her childhood home and have this expression that made Christen feel like she was really grieving for Christen’s heartbreak.

Christen couldn’t make up her mind. She didn’t know if Kelley was a stranger, an acquaintance, or someone she felt deeply connected to.She didn’t know how Kelley’s stare made her feel all of that, but it did.

So she would take the nice words.  

“Thanks, Kelley.” She replied.  

She looked down to see that Kelley was drying the last piece of silverware. Christen watched as this woman before her had helped her finish her task, without even asking.  

“If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.” Kelley said with a shrug.  

The freckled woman could tell that she shouldn’t really expect a response to the statement. Christen looked way too absorbed into some other part of their conversation to give a response. 

“Well. I got an early morning tomorrow.” Kelley said when she put down the dry fork and then walked really close up to Christen.  

It was a little too close for Christen’s comfort.  

Kelley put the rag in her hand.  

“Thanks for having me over.” Kelley said softly. Just way too soft for it to be normal for Christen. And then Kelley shot her another one of her smiles. A smile just too freaking soft for it to be just a normal smile.  

“Um... no problem.” Christen finally responded when Kelley was walking out towards their front door. She felt like if she didn’t respond, then maybe Kelley O’Hara had won. What the game was or what it was all about, Christen didn’t know yet. But she didn’t want to lose.  

Kelley turned back around.  

“I’ll see you around? If you’re still in town?” Kelley asked.  

“Yeah.” Christen said with a nod. She finally gave Kelley a smile back.  

She figured that she would stick around long enough to find out what that woman’s deal was. Because whatever it was, it was interesting. 

 

** 

 

It was already established that Christen was way too slow for Alex Morgan’s liking. They had forged a path for them to run together all throughout the town and a little path along the beach, but the raven-haired woman always lost sight of her best friend on mile three. The gym owner was just way more fit and faster than Christen, and she just finally told her to keep going at her own speed one day.  

So they agreed that Alex would have to work on her patience and order Christen’s drink and wait for her to finish the run that always ended at Indy Coffee. Usually Christen would roll up in an exhausted state to see Alex standing outside the shop with two to-go cups in her hand, one that she handed to Christen before she headed to work, and Christen headed back home.  

But today, Alex was not standing outside by the door. Christen had a paranoid suspicion that her best friend had headed off to work already or had just straight up ditched her, but she was glad when she looked inside to see that neither was true. Alex was sitting at their table, talking to… 

“Hey!” Alex said when Christen walked in.  

“Sorry. I’m in your seat.” Kelley said with eyes that had scanned her up and down for the quickest of seconds.  

“Oh no. “Alex said in a rush before she downed a shot of something black, “I gotta go Chris. Apparently Brian Metzler-ya remember that idiot? Well he dropped a 50 lb. weight on his foot and ambulance was called and I have to go act like I care or something like that.” 

Christen chuckled.  

“So take my spot.” Alex said when she got up, “and I’ll see you tonight?” 

Christen nodded in response before Alex left to go take care of her business. She wasn’t really planning on staying if her best friend was leaving, but the way this stranger was looking at her made her sit down.

“So. Alex always orders for you so I don’t really know what your drink is….but I’m going to guess a…” Christen observed the animated way Kelley was scrutinizing her face like her facial features would give the answer away.  

“A…mocha latte?” Kelley asked with narrowed, questioning eyes.  

Christen’s quiet figure and her playfully outraged expression that someone had figured her out made Kelley do a weird jig out of excited accomplishment.  

“YAAAS!” Kelley yelled. There was no one else in the shop and by the looks of the mugs on the table, this woman must have had a couple of shots of espresso.

“I’ll go make it for you.” Kelley said when she nodded to the bar.  

“Only if you let me pay for it.” Christen said with a piercing stare of her own.  

“Too bad Lulu Lemon.” Kelley said when she looked up and down at Christen again, probably to draw attention to Christen’s outfit.  

“Alex already paid for it.” The woman smirked before she made her way to the bar to make that drink she intuitively predicted.  

Chris: why did you leave me here alone 

Chris: this feels like a trap. And it’s not funny.  

Alex: Brian really is an idiot with a broken foot and now I have paperwork.  

Alex: now I know how to piss you off : ) 

Alex: if I didn’t know any better I’m starting to think you like Kelley ;) 

Christen put her phone face down and silenced it when Kelley put her creation in front of Christen on the table and sat back down across from her. 

“Now tell me if you’ve ever had a drink better than that.” She watched Christen take a sip of it closely. She seemed to be on edge for Christen's response, smiling when the woman across from her had finally swallowed the liquid down. 

Kelley was left waiting in anticipation. 

"I've had better." Christen teased. She giggled at Kelley's fake pout.  

"They must have some really great baristas in LA, huh?" Kelley said with a dissatisfied expression. 

"You didn't like get a degree in coffee making right? I'm not about to insult you again?" Christen asked. 

"Nah." Kelley waved her hand. Her smirk hinted at the peace she found with Christen's statement. 

"I'm just kidding." Christen said. "You'd give a lot of baristas in LA a run for their money. This is actually really good. How did you know that it's my drink?" 

"I mean, wasn't that what you always got in high school?" Kelley asked. And for a second, the same one in which Christen's face twitched of curiosity, Kelley seemed to be rather hesitant and fearful that she had said something she shouldn't have. This was the first time the woman looked very unconfident in the words that had just escaped from her mouth. 

"Anyway," Kelley shook her head to put it into the past, "speaking of LA, did you love it?" 

Christen took two more sips while she thought over her response, "I did. I do. I...I loved it more than my ex-wife loved me." 

The former auditor was so used to speaking in a morbid fashion that she forgot that this kind of talk wasn't suitable for a setting like this. She chastised herself for letting her bitterness leak out. Christen wouldn't let it happen again. 

"Well, Tobin Heath is an idiot." Kelley said gently. 

"How do you know who my ex is?" Christen asked with a disbelieving, yet amused shake to her head. Kelley already knew about the divorce, so it wasn't that far off that she might know who it was with, but she was still really curious about Kelley's proclivity to Christen's preferences and her mind.

She watched the way Kelley's furrowed her brow for a second before she cocked her head to the side and then narrowed her eyes at the woman across from her. It looked like she was going to ask Christen something. But she didn't. 

"Like I said last night, common knowledge." Kelley said, but it sounded more like a question of if that answer was acceptable. 

"Can we like- can we not talk about me?" The raven-haired woman asked. She looked around to find any excuse to not feel so weird under the freckled woman's stare, but the shop was empty and there was nothing or no one else Kelley could look at. 

"For sure!" Kelley popped up, grabbed the empty cup of Christen's and called over her head when she brought the dirty dish to the other side of the bar to dispose of it, "interrogate me. Go!" 

"Okay. Why did you drop out of college?" 

 _She did say that I could interrogate her._  

And it was a question that Christen really wanted to know the answer to. There was an odd feeling between the two of them that Kelley knew more about Christen than she knew about Kelley. So she figured that she might as well get to know the hard stuff about the woman. 

Kelley chuckled when she responded from behind the bar, "I realized that school wasn't going to make me happy. It wasn't for me." 

"But like...weren't you smart? Like you always got good grades I think I remembered that about you. Didn’t you get into Stanford…?." Christen called back. 

"I got good grades, yeah." Kelley said with a nod to her head. "But I didn't drop out of Stanford because I was failing or because I couldn't handle the course load." 

Christen furrowed her brow. Why else would someone drop out if it wasn't because of those reasons? She crossed the length of the shop and sat on one of the barstools when Kelley failed to elaborate after dropping that statement. The freckled woman was preparing the pots of coffee for the people that were bound to coming in at some point. 

"Then why would you drop out?" Christen waited for Kelley to finish pouring the coffee mix into the machine. 

"I don't know. I wasn't happy. College wasn't for me. Location isn’t what makes me happy." Kelley said simply.  

"Are you happy now?" 

"I am." Kelley said with a certainty that made Christen feel really jealous. Maybe it was because at 30 years old she was going through a mid-life crisis, but Kelley's answer felt like it had to be untrue. Didn't everyone hate their life at this point? 

Christen was scared that she may have been the only one.

"I love what I'm doing. And I love where I'm at. I wouldn't change it." Kelley said gently, and genuinely.  

"I wish I was you." 

Christen realized that the intensity and the desperation of her words were just as intense as how Kelley O'Hara had been since she's known her, but the silence in this coffee shop and the profound sadness she felt on top of her chest at the fact that happiness was obviously possible, she had just been a failure at it, made her forget that she had some walls to maintain to protect her. This time, she didn't look away from Kelley's gaze and she wanted Kelley to know, because maybe this was a cry for help that she was unaware of, that she really did yearn to be her in that moment. She ached for a shred of happiness. 

“Don’t.” Kelley said softly when she put the scoop of coffee in her hand down and then walked up to Christen.  

“You’re already such a beautiful person. Don’t waste your time wanting to be me when you can have happiness and be yourself at the same time.” Kelley said softly. Her gaze seemed to have a purpose behind it in this moment. 

“Seems kind of impossible.” Christen said with resignation. But she kept the eye contact because they were kind words that would stick to her like glue for hours.  

“Yeah well,” Kelley shrugged, “I bet that you didn’t think it was possible for you to come back here and admit that you actually enjoyed having me over at family dinner.” 

Christen rolled her eyes. But she mentally admitted that maybe nothing was impossible.  

“You’re unhappy. I get it.” Kelley said gently.  

“I can tell.” The woman said before she went back to making the necessary amount of coffee for the morning crowd. “But what’re you gonna do about it?” 

The raven-haired woman silently watched this strangely insightful acquaintance of hers continue to do some barista-y things while she thought about the answer to her question. Christen was still silent even when the first customers starting dragging themselves in and ordered with Kelley.  

It was a good solid ten minutes of Christen sitting with her head down on her crossed arms while she got lost in her thoughts, and Kelley keeping her in the corners of her eyes as she worked.  

When Kelley had filled the orders of the first big rush, she tapped Christen lightly on the hip from behind and said thoughtfully, “If you don’t know what you’re gonna do about it, maybe you should write something until you figure it out. That seemed to be your go-to back in high school.” 

Christen didn’t anticipate staying in that coffee shop for another five minutes of just watching Kelley O’Hara do her job, but that’s what she did. It was her turn to just unapologetically stare at this woman who was perplexing her.  

“Why are you so nice to me?” Christen asked cautiously when Kelley has resumed her spot behind the bar after she had taken care of all of the customers. Christen was staring down at her hands when she asked it but she eventually looked up when her question was met with silence.  

The freckled woman was looking at her with her stare of confusion that was made apparent by her furrowed brow. She was just staring. Christen just stared back. It was a long and tense moment.  

“Seriously. I- you weren’t exactly friendly to me in high school. I just…” Christen shrugged.  

But Kelley just kept staring at her. The confusion was mixing in with an emotion that Christen could only guess was sadness. 

“I mean I know it’s not high school anymore…” Christen wanted to fill the silence with something, “but I just…I don’t know…” 

She watched as Kelley rubbed her hands together and a system of emotions were being processed in her brain before she looked back up at Christen.  

“Was I mean to you in high school?” 

Christen chuckled automatically at those words because they had to be made in jest.  

But it quickly died down when she saw that Kelley was still staring at her with a rapt seriousness that made Christen confused and kind of irritated. She didn’t quite understand Kelley’s behavior.  

“Wait. Are you serious?” Christen asked.  

 

** 

 

It was probably six in the evening when she had gotten back to her house and her mom was sending her mixed signals when she had walked through the front door.  

First she was happy that she had come home to find that Christen was NOT on the couch watching television, a promising thing in Stacy Press’ mind. But then she spent 20 minutes lecturing Christen that she needed to get a job.  

“I’m not giving you a deadline, but I do need to see that you’re making efforts to get out of whatever this is that you’re in.” 

Christen nodded. She didn’t really respond. She had just spent the whole day at the beach with her pen in her hand, cramping after a few hours of writing in her notebook. It wasn’t the kind of productive that she knew her mom would find acceptable, but she also knew that it was something that had relaxed her today.  

After her conversation with Kelley at the shop, she decided that she might as well take that woman’s advice and write it out. She remembered how good it felt, or at least how at ease her mind felt, when she did spend those hours writing on the day that she had ran onto Kelley at the beach.  

Also, it was something to do that would get her out of the house, yet give her the privacy she wanted from this town.  

So she came home with a calm mind, one that was still enough to deal with her mom’s lecture.  

“By the way, did you clear out your suitcases from the guest room like I asked? Tyler is gonna be here tomorrow.” Her mom asked.  

For a second, the middle child wracked her brain for any recollection of her mom’s orders or even the mention of Tyler’s homecoming. Because this was definitely something that Christen would have remembered. Tyler's presence was not going to be one that she was going to deal with ease.  

She was the loudest critic of Christen and her life choice to quit her job and not be strong enough to try to deal with the issues of her marriage. 

Seeing Tyler was not going to be good for her mental state. 

She assured her mom that she would clear the guest room. 

 

** 

 

"Why are you being so...you?" Alex asked when they had both hopped out of Christen's car and made way to the bar. 

"What does that mean?" Christen replied. 

"You're being so depress-o. I mean geez we already know that you're sad, just be spontaneous and surprise me with another emotion." Alex said with a smirk when she held the door for her. 

Christen rolled her eyes, but she made a mental note to dial down with the sadness because they were out and about and she was not going to spend another evening on the couch with the TV on and her mind begging for the sleep to come. 

She found a wooden table that was empty in the open patio area that was next to the outdoor bar while Alex got them beers like the gentleman she claimed to be.

When Christen was sitting waiting for Alex's return she had looked up to realize that she knew 30% of the people in this bar. There were fleeting glances and double takes, but Christen panicked, and she took out her phone to have an excuse not to look up and engage with people she knew when she was a kid. 

\+ 1 (483) 493- 5934: Hey. I got ur number through Alex.  

\+ 1 (483) 493- 5934 :Im really sorry chris. I didn’t kno that it was like that for you back in high school 

\+ 1 (483) 493- 5934 : can we talk about it? 

Now she wished that she hadn't looked at her phone. She was getting really good at not looking at it when she had moved back. The only person that was going to reach her was Alex, who most of the time just dropped in at the house whenever she wanted. Christen saw that those texts were sent hours ago, probably an hour after she had left the coffee shop. 

She didn't know how to respond, so she didn't.  

"Hey. Like every single person in this bar is checking you out." Alex whispered when she handed her the beer she bought and sat across from her. 

"Are you sure they're not checking YOU out?" Christen asked with a smirk, making sure to keep her eyes on Alex and only Alex so that she wouldn't accidentally make eye contact with someone else. 

"Oh they're' checking me out." Alex said when she turned around and waved at a few people that waved back. "But they already know me. Some of these people don't know who YOU are." 

"I'm not going to look." Christen said. "You know how snobby I am. Don't make me prove it." 

"Oh so we have come to terms with your pretentiousness?" Ale asked with an impressed smile.  

"It's hard not to when your family tells you everyday." Christen rolled her eyes again. "And for the record, I just had a higher standard of living. Okay? You can't blame me too harshly. I wash the dishes now, calm down." 

Her best friend rolled her eyes in response.  

"And you can't complain that I'm snobby when you keep buying my drinks for me. I thought you wanted me to start paying my way." Christen threw back. 

"Fine. You got me for the rest of the night?" 

"Sure." Christen said without hesitation. "As long as you don't pay for my coffee in the morning anymore." 

"I never pay for your coffee in the morning." Alex said simply. "Kelley always says that it's taken care of. I don't question it." 

Christen didn't know what to do with that information. Other than to just put it aside for now. 

Alex seemed to satisfied by the reaction of Christen's. They both tried to keep their evening between just the two of them like old times, but it was kind of hard to when old high school acquaintances had gotten the courage to approach their table and catch up with Christen Press, the girl that made too much money to come back and visit. 

It was apparent that some of the guys in her class were curious to know if the rumor was true that she did have a wife instead of a husband, and if her next spouse would be a man or a woman. Christen was thankful that Alex had answered for her when she said that her and Christen were on a date, and it was a rude to ask someone that when they were on a date. 

"I'm probably going to be her next wife because look at me. So...think about how stupid you look right now." She said to Matt Hayes, a guy that played football in high school and Christen has never given a second thought about. 

He just rolled his eyes before he asked, "Does Serv know that?" 

Christen realized that her best friend had a brilliant talent at calling people out on their shit and being blunt with them, but making those people want to be around her even more. It was how she made everyone feel, it was how she made Christen feel. Maybe because it had been a long time and she had forgotten about the girl she used to be, but Christen was in awe of her old best friend and the person she had become. 

It occurred to her that maybe Alex was always like this, but she just didn't know. It wouldn't have been the first time that she was wrong about someone. 

"Oh no..." Alex groaned. 

"What?" Christen asked. 

Alex gave her a sympathetic pat before she called over Christen's head, "If you two are here, then that means my favorite person is here, too." 

Before she could turn around, she felt two people, one on each side, sit down right next to her to sit across from Alex at their table. 

Allie Long and Rachel Daly. 

And Alex's favorite person that she was referring to must have been- 

"Kristie is here. But she's putting on her makeup or something in the bathroom. I don't fucking know, you know how she is." Allie said with a wave of her hand. 

"Well, don't you guys know that Christen hates Kristie?" Alex asked so bluntly.  

"Al! I-" 

"No we know." Allie said when she put her hand on Christen's arm to relax her. "We don't blame you. At all. It’s just that we're here with her and her hubby and I. Can't. Stand. It." 

"Then go sit somewhere else. I'm on a date." Alex said when she nodded to the other open tables. 

"But your date looks like such a snack." Allie said with some trailing eyes that really made Christen aware of how strong the eyes on her tonight were. 

"Allie don't scare her." Rachel said with a sigh. 

"Yeah you guys did enough of that in high school to the BOTH of us." Alex said when she nodded to those other tables again. But Allie wasn't listening. She was still looking at Christen. 

"So what have you been up to Press? Other than making so much money that your whole outfit looks like it costs more than this bar?" Allie inquired. And since Christen was working on trying to be aware of what was actually in front of her, instead of letting her bias filter tell her, she picked up on the fact that Allie Long was harmless. She was leaning into Christen in a warm way, like she was trying to protect her from the hurt that she had caused back in the day. 

Alex relaxed a little when Christen happily explained what she had been up to since she left this place. 

"That's really cool. I work at the small firm here." Rachel said when Christen had explained what she had been doing for a career.

"Yeah, Rachie is a corporate slave, while I work for the paper. You know, fighting for people's rights to freedom of speech." Allie said with an eye roll. It was clear that Allie didn't take anything seriously, let alone her job. Christen kind of wished that she could be like that. 

"I'm on sabbatical, so...just needed a break." Christen said. Her eyes flitted to Alex for a second, remembering that she hadn't told her best friend what her 'story' for everyone else was going to be. Alex seemed to understand.   

"Well it seems like you deserve one." Rachel said softly. "It's pretty cool what you've done since getting out of here." 

"Thanks." Christen said with a smile. Maybe Alex was right, maybe these people weren't that bad. 

"Christen Press. Talk of the town." 

She heard that voice call out from behind. She saw Kristie and her husband with a good amount of beers in their hands as they walked up to stand next to Alex. 

"These two are on an obvious lezzy date guys, did you just rudely interrupt their good time and sit at their table??" Kristie called out in a voice that was obvious that she didn't care about Christen and Alex's feelings. 

"You know Kmew, I was just saying the same thing." Alex said with a nod. "I for one, am so happy that I can have a date with another woman in public without hating myself now." 

Kristie's jaw clenched at the sight of Alex's challenging stare and at the aggression of her words.

"So why don't you stop ridiculing me for it. Do you know how much that can hurt someone?" Alex asked softly yet purposefully.

”Especially someone who hasn’t come to terms with it yet?” Alex asked.

Christen didn't know what was going on, but she could tell that Alex had pushed a button. 

Christen turned to see Rachel get up and walk to the bar, and Allie just roll her eyes before she turned to Christen, "Good to see you. Let's catch up. You, Al, and I sometimes." 

Allie went to go follow Kristie who was leading her husband to another table, huffing and puffing a Alex’s words.

"What the fuck was that?" Christen asked when Alex had taken a swig of her beer to compose herself. 

"Redemption." Alex said simply. 

Christen let the satisfaction of that word sink in. 

 

**

 

"Like I said, they're really not that bad. It's just-" 

She stopped midsentence when she looked behind Christen. 

"Rach. Here." Alex called out when she pointed at her spot next to Christen. The raven-haired woman wasn't all that surprised that Rachel just complied. Alex had power over everyone.  

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to -" 

"You're fine." Rachel said with a shrug to her shoulders. She took a big swig of her beer. "You didn't say anything that was out of line. It's true." 

Christen still wasn't caught up with whatever was happening in front her eyes, but she did know that her abrupt departure from the table did seem to have meaning. 

"Just chill with us. You don't need to be hanging out with that whole thing." Alex said.  

It didn't take much to convince the woman.

Christen was actually really glad that she had gone out tonight. There was a lot more to learn about these people that she realized, she knew nothing about. 

 

** 

 

"Does every guy have a boner for Alex?" Christen asked Rachel when they were both sitting up at the bar, watching Alex and a guy flirting from afar. 

"Yes." Rachel said with a grin. "I mean...look at her. I'd hit on her too." 

Christen turned back around to look at her best friend, who seemed to be in the zone when she had pretended to pick a piece of lint off the guy's shirt, but Christen knew that it was so that she could touch him. Alex was good. 

"She is. But she'll always be Alex to me. I don't think I could ever." Christen chuckled. The two of them both just enjoyed watching their friend seal the deal with some random guy while they talked. 

"So Kristie huh?" Christen asked. 

"Don't say anything." Rachel said, hoping that she would keep a secret.  

"I won't." Christen said softly. The woman before her looked like she was just starting to feel normal again from that Kristie-Alex encounter.

She could sympathize with someone that had to watch the girl she liked flaunt her husband and her perfect life in front of her when they were in public, and have to have the strength to accept that girl who came into your bed every once in awhile to apologize and to tell you that you were what they really want. 

She could understand the angst. 

"I'll get you a drink." Christen offered. She looked around to flag down a bartender. The guy that had filled their last drinks was busy talking to some blonde, and the other making a drink. She mentally complained about the slow service here in this town. 

But it wasn't until she leaned over to look down the really long bar for another bartender, that she saw Kelley sliding some drinks in front of her to a guy. She was on the other end of the bar. 

 _Where doesn't Kelley work?_  

Christen signaled to Rachel that she was going to the far end to go get the drinks. 

"Hey." Christen took the place of a couple that had gotten their beers and left. She called out to the back of the woman that she was across from at a different type of bar earlier that day. 

"What can I-?" 

Christen was getting a little better at keeping the eye contact with this woman in front of her. She held strong when surprise flooded Kelley's features. Christen realized how expressive Kelley really was. It was kind of refreshing to run into someone that couldn’t lie about how they felt.  

"Can I get two of....whatever you recommend?" 

"Uh...sure." Kelley said before she started putting together liquids that Christen knew nothing about. She just knew that they usually helped her in situations when she felt anxious like she was now. 

"Who are you here with? Alex here?" Kelley inquired when she continued her task. 

"Uh your friend. Rachel Daly." Christen said. "We're actually sitting way over there, I didn’t see you before." 

She observed the way Kelley slowly put down the bottle that had a brown liquid in it before she stared at Christen. 

"S-so you're here...with...Rachel?" Kelley asked when she wiped something at her face and avoided eye contact. 

 _That's a first._  

"Yeah." 

Kelley slid the drinks she made up to Christen and then smiled for a second before she looked back away. 

"How much?" 

Christen was a little confused when Kelley told her it was on the house and then quickly turned to the guy that was waiting to get his drink.

Just like at the coffee bar, Christen was just so intrigued by this woman who made absolutely NO sense to her. She stood there hoping that Kelley would get the hint that she needed to look at her, but the woman seemed pretty determined to make drinks for everyone else. Her behavior was just so mysterious. 

Christen took out a $100 bill and leaned over the bar to get a clean cup to put on top of the money that was in plain sight and meant as a tip for the nice bartender that made her drinks. 

"Are you still friends with Kelley O'Hara?" 

Rachel leaned over the bar. "Aw! Kell's my bud. Haven't seen her since last weekend.”

Christen watched Rachel and Kelley interact from afar when Rachel had excused herself to go talk to her friend. She also watched when Kelley realized how much money was underneath the cup. Christen went to go look to find Alex. 

 

** 

 

The downside of Alex was that by now, she was deep into sucking face with a different guy than the onebefore. 

 _Should have known._  

Christen chuckled while she thought about what she should do before she went and approached her best friend who looked like she had other things on her mind. She didn't want another reunion with people so she took out her phone to busy herself. 

It was three minutes into playing Candy Crush when a message popped up. 

\+ 1 (483) 493- 5934: Come here 

She looked up to see Kelley looking at her, phone in hand. 

\+ 1 (483) 493- 5934: Looks like u got nothing else to do 

She chuckled. Christen obliged and she didn't know why. But she knew that it had something to do with the way Kelley was looking at her when she walked up.

”Where’s Rachel?”

“Oh she went to go find Allie. I’m...assuming you didn’t come here with her right?” Kelley asked.

She shook her head and pointed at Alex.

"You know that she's gonna end up going home with him, right?" Kelley asked with a smirk when she looked Alex's way. 

 "Does Al have a tendency to go home with them?" 

"Nah. She usually makes them work for it. She only goes home with Servando." 

Christen turned to get a look at the guy that Alex had talked quite a lot about. It was mostly about how stupid and frustrating he was.

But she could tell by the way Alex was leaning into him that she was in love with this guy. Christen could also tell by the way she was looking at him.

It was how Tobin used to look at her. 

She turned back around to look at Kelley. 

"So is it safe to assume that I can probably head home without her?" Christen asked with a smirk. 

"Uh yes...but please don't." Kelley said softly. The sudden change in her tone made Christen feel something in her chest.

She didn't understand her words until Kelley had reached for her hand, and right here in the middle of a bar with people Christen didn't care for, she felt the most unexpected sensation jolt throughout her WHOLE body when she felt Kelley's hand grab hers.

She was still reeling in to calm down whatever it was that paralyzed her when she looked down to see Kelley grab her keys from her hand. 

"You've been drinking." Kelley said gently. "I can take you home if you need to go now. I-I get off in like 15 minutes." 

Kelley's actions made sense. But it did nothing to calm Christen down. 

She had only felt this, whatever it was, once before. It was when Tobin said "I do." 

 

** 

 

"I...I can't drive stick." 

It was five long seconds of silence before Christen busted out laughing. She was super glad that Kelley had taken her keys from her because she could feel it now how buzzed she was. She just looked on at Kelley's defeated face and laughed at the fact that the woman who apparently knew how to do EVERYTHING, didnt know how to drive stick. Kelley eventually laughed too. 

"I can walk. My house is like two miles from here." Christen said when she grabbed the keys from Kelley's hand then put them in her purse before she opened the door and got out. 

"I'll walk with you." She heard Kelley say behind her. It was a statement but her tone made it seem like it more like a question.

"You don't have a car?" Christen asked as she headed in the direction of her house. She remembered the path, she remembered this town. 

"Nope. Can't really afford it." Kelley said with a shrug.

"Which reminds me...here." 

Christen felt a bill being stuffed into her purse. 

"Don't." Christen said gently. She was looking at this woman before her that somehow made it feel like they've known each other for a long time. It was a strange feeling.

"It's not charity. It's what I owe you by now for all the coffees and tips." 

She held eye contact with her when she put the $100 bill into the pocket of Kelley's jeans. She continued to walk.  

"Why are you really back here?" Kelley asked quietly.

“Channing doesn't say much about you so... and I know you’re sad. But I don’t know why a person like you would be so sad.”

Christen sighed. "I'm here because I had a breakdown and I quit my job and I divorced my wife, and I had nowhere to go. I can buy a house no problem with the amount of money I still have, but it would just be me in it. That's why." 

She knew that Kelley understood that this was the truth. There was no sabbatical.  

"Did you quit your job because it was boring?" Kelley asked with a chuckle. They both recalled Channing's joke from the night before.  

Christen would like to tell herself that she didn't know why she was telling this person the truth when she didn't even really know her, but she couldn't hide it from herself. She knew why she was telling Kelley. 

It had something to do with that moment when Kelley has grabbed her keys. 

"I quit because I'm 30 years old and that job... it made me feel...absolutely worthless." Christen said when she looked up to meet the freckled woman's eyes.  

"Why?" There was more pain in Kelley's tone than expected. 

"I'm competent. I mean I was great at my job. I-I did it well and I did it better than almost anyone else and for awhile I genuinely thrived on the fact that I was just better than other people at something." Christen shrugged.

"But then it got to the point where I had to choose between work and Tobin's games and...My biggest regret was that I chose work." 

She looked down at her feet for awhile. She hadn't told anyone else this. 

"Pretty soon, and I don't blame her, Tobin started falling out of love with the person she thought I was becoming. I...I don't think she even knew the person I was by the time we ended it. And then she found someone else." Christen said quietly. 

"But I...when she pointed out what was wrong with us, I started to really resent the time I wasted at work but also- I don't know- I threw myself even more into it because I didn't want to see her anymore. 'cause I could tell she found someone else." 

"I'm really sorry." Kelley said before she grabbed Christen's hand. Her forwardness was so characteristic and Christen was so buzzed that she just let this stranger hold it as they walked. 

"Don't be sorry, Kelley. My marriage didn't fall apart because of something you did. It fell apart because of things I didn't do." 

Kelley looked at her really sadly. 

"I knew she wasn't faithful but at the same time, I didn't fight back for her. And all at the same time I was starting to realize just how much of my work actually contributed to this world, and I don't know...I lost it. I burned bridges. I asked for a divorce. And I didn't want to listen to her when she begged me to give our marriage another chance. So...I'm here. Without a job, without a wife, but the shit that gets me the most...the reason why I feel worthless...is that I'm here without a purpose." 

Christen chuckled at the devastated look on the woman's face. 

"So I hoped that answered your question." 

 

** 

 

"I...I don't know what to say to that." Kelley said with a sad smile. 

"Nothing." Christen said simply. It was cathartic to put it into words and the breeze from the night was making her feel good. She couldn’t explain it but she was okay in this moment. 

Kelley looked to be quite the opposite. She looked like she wanted to say something. 

But it was at least half a mile before Kelley finally said it.

"Chris, I...I'm sorry if I..." she looked like she didn't want to swallow what she was about to say, "Bullied you in high school. I-I-I didn't realize that I was THAT to you." 

Christen just stared at her to let her keep going as they continued to walk. 

"I knew that Kristie was... A bitch... And that yeah...I - I didn't stop her when she did it. In hindsight, yeah, I was a bully. I just..." 

Kelley seemed to really be wrestling with something in her head. Her irritation with herself was becoming apparent.

"I had a very different narrative in my head about who I was to you back in high school. I mean, it's not an excuse. I can't go back and change it, no matter how strongly I want to." 

Christen nodded. 

"I'm just- I'm sorry." Kelley said with resignation. They were nearing Christen's house after the couple minutes of silence after Kelley's apology.

When they got to her driveway, she had a question pop up into her mind. It was a question that if answered, could explain Kelley’s behavior.

"In your head, who were you to me back in high school?"  

Kelley finally let go of her and rubbed her own hands together when she processed exactly how to respond to that. She looked like she didn’t want to say it,

But after a long tense moment, The freckled woman chuckled to herself for a little bit before she shrugged and then looked at Christen before she said: 

"The girl that loved you." 

 

 

 **


	3. The Girl that Got Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelations are revealed and unwanted ,yet undeniable feelings are acknowledged.

**

 

“Excuse me?” 

Christen felt the strap of her purse that was on her right shoulder fall down her arm when she asked that question.  

“I was in love with you back in the day.” Kelley replied. She said it with a gentle tone but a smirk was paired with it.  

“Again…excuse me?” 

Kelley chuckled and the ease with which she had just revealed something deeper than Christen expected made the former auditor feel like chuckling too.  

“I…” Kelley smiled again before she softly said, “just really liked you. I thought you kind of knew that.” 

“No.” Christen replied adamantly. She was amused at this answer and this revelation, but she was also very much in shock at what this woman before her was saying.  

“Oh. Well.” Kelley just shrugged.

“It was like 15 or so years ago. No big deal.” 

 _How could we have gone through the same events, but have such different experiences?_  

“Yeah but I’m still wondering how I didn’t know this!” Christen replied with an amused shake to her head.

“I really thought you and your friends hated me. I- Alex and I were Kristie’s punching bag. I-“ 

She stopped. Christen realized that she’d been over this part with the woman in front of her.  

“Why didn’t you tell me? I obviously had no clue.” She decided to ask instead.   

“I don’t know I think that I kind of thought I had.” Kelley said softly.  

“When?? How??” Christen asked, her eyes big with wonder. 

“I-I just thought that you knew that when I was talking to you, I mean… I always came up and said something to you when we were kids.” Kelley shrugged. “I mean before Kristie.” 

“You would look at me with a-a sneer and say something snarky to me in like middle school. How am I supposed to- what-“ 

“I thought I was being funny and a smartass.” Kelley said with a smirk.

“I don’t know, I think I was just trying to impress you.” 

Christen stood there and tried to replay anything in her memory bank that dealt with Kelley O’Hara. Maybe she could agree with middle school Kelley’s behavior, but in high school, it had been the opposite.  

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Christen repeated. This time there was a yearn for an explanation.  

“Does it matter?” Kelley asked softly. She leaned against Christen’s dad’s car. Christen copied her.  

“It probably would have mattered to high school Christen.” She replied softly as well.

Kelley nodded. She understood that part.  

“Well adult Christen, 15 years ago I was like head over heels for you. But I guess I just never told you. I never got the courage to tell you. So I, adult Kelley, would like to apologize. Obviously I had no idea what I was doing back then. It- you also weren’t out at the time. I guess I could just sense it.” Kelley said with a smirk.  

“Yeah well, it was shittier times.” Christen said.

They both stood there and let their age and the amount of seconds they’ve lived weigh down on them with both the bad and the good things that have happened since those shittier times.  

“Yeah. I’m glad I lived through it.” Kelley said with a nod of her head.  

“I’m sorry I didn’t know.” Christen said quietly.

She felt a strange wave of sadness pull at her and at high school Christen. In her mind she was still going through her catalog of high school memories. Shewanted to go back and replay every interaction she had had with high school Kelley for a sign. There were probably some that she was not equipped to decipher back then. She would be able to now.  

“It was such a long time ago.” Kelley voice was so soft that it was a whisper. “Don’t worry Chris, I moved on.” 

Kelley’s ease and laughter with that statement seemed to confirm that it was true, but her behavior may have indicated the opposite. It was a stretch, but buzzed, adult Christen kind of mourned the could-have-beens for her younger self. And it showed on her face.  

“I hope I didn’t say anything too-I mean we were kids. I-“ 

“I gotcha.” Christen said with a nod. She just smiled at herself and at this strange discovery and the heartache that it probably could have settled with Christen’s struggle with who she was back in the day. It was too late now but she hoped that in another universe, high school Christen was doing okay.   

“Is this what you were like in high school? Very kind and considerate, and I guess…usefully skilled at everything but driving a standard car?” Christen asked. It got a smile out of the woman in front of her.  

“I mean I didn’t know how to bar tend in high school but I sure did drink.” Kelley said with a nod to her head as she pondered.

“But if you’re referring to my chivalry and usefully good looks, then yeah.” 

Kelley’s soft smile confirmed what she didn’t say to Christen:  _I’m sorry I never showed you who I was._  

Christen took that answer with a smile and they both just looked at each other. She shook her head in disbelief and smiled brightly before she gave Kelley a playful punch to the arm when she said, “Wow. Kelley O’Hara. I never would have thought.” 

The woman just smirked.  

She was learning that the woman in front of her was not the girl she had an image of back then, so the freckled woman’s behavior started to make sense. It fit the narrative that Kelley was writing out for her.  

“So. You know about me and my messy life. What about you? Girlfriend? Wife? Second wife?” Christen inquired. She was glad it got another smile out of Kelley before she shrugged.  

“None of the above.” Kelley admitted.  

“You told me you moved on...” Christen said jokingly. They both laughed. 

“Well…after Kristie-“ 

“Ugh. Gross.” Christen interjected. Kelley smirked. 

“Yeah that was a trip.” Kelley said with an eye roll. “That was a lot of secrets and bullshit.”  

“After Kristie, I had a girlfriend in college and it kind of continued even after I dropped out. Did the whole long distance thing for a little bit. Then I met this girl maybe when I was 22? I met her when I was at the bar with some of my teammates and just…man…fell really hard for her. I think I was with her for like six years…” 

“What happened to her?” Christen asked.  

Kelley looked like it still was something she hadn’t gotten completely over.  

“Well…my schedule got busy. And I was hopping around the country for awhile and she said that I picked my work over her.”  

Kelley gave Christen a small smile because they both knew the result of picking work.  

“And I was devastated.” Kelley clarified. “I was a wreck for a long time. Because I thought I was going to marry her.” 

“So why didn’t you?”  

Kelley pondered it.  

“Same reason your marriage didn’t work out. I picked my lifestyle and my work over her. Only difference with you and I is that I look back and…I don’t regret it.” The woman said softly.  

“Who was it?” 

“Her name is Ann. She didn’t ever live here. For a time I would hop to New York and see her. I-just because I didn't regret it didn't mean that it didn't hurt any less.” 

Christen absorbed the tale of Kelley’s past. She knew that just because their actions were for the best, didn’t mean that the heartache would go away quicker.

“But my mom is the one that was almost just as sad as me when it didn’t work out. She worries that I’m not gonna get married.” Kelley said with an amused shake to her head. 

“Why is that? Okay, 30 isn’t that old!” Christen defended her. Because she certainly didn’t want to think that it was too late for her to find love again. 

“She just worries about me.” Kelley said with a shrug. “Says that she doesn’t think I’m gonna find someone that will understand my lifestyle. People are smarter in their 30s and willing to put up with less bullshit.” 

“I guess that’s true.” Christen muttered. 

“Do you agree with her?” Christen asked.  

Kelley’s shake to her head and her easygoing nature to that question was characteristic.  

“I guess I just don’t think about it? I’m okay right now. And I’m happy. Like really happy. So…I don’t know if I agree with her or not but, happiness is hard to find.” 

Christen knew those words to be true.  

“So I’m gonna ride this wave of happiness for as long as I can and enjoy every second of it whether I’m doing it alone or not.” 

They both let the power of Kelley’s words wash over them as the night was slowly coming to an end. Those words sounded like a conclusion. Christen could see Kelley shift her feet like she was getting ready to let Christen go for the night.  

“Anyways, I sh-“ 

“You should just crash here. It’s like one in the morning. No sense in walking at this time.” Christen said when she pointed back at her house. She didn’t know where the courage to suggest that came from, but she was sure that it came from their talk about regret.  

“It’s- I – the walk’s not that far Christen.” Kelley explained. “It’s not that much of a hassle.” 

The raven-haired woman just shrugged her shoulder and gave the woman across from her a small smile to say,  _well, I tried._

But there was an obvious and silent remonstrance to Kelley’s answer and the silence between them and Christen’s face was telling Kelley O’Hara that she had a choice to make.  

This conversation here and now, it didn’t have to mean anything or it could have meant everything. To both versions of the people they were back then and in this moment. Which way it went probably didn’t rest solely on what Kelley did next because Christen was in a weird time in her life and Kelley was hard to tame. But right now, or in the future of this night, which was something they had control over, Kelley’s decision could settle some old what-ifs.  

 _I’m asking you to stay over._  

“I guess it’s…It wouldn’t hurt to save the energy of the walk for tomorrow when we go get your car in the morning.” Kelley said with a shrug, an idiosyncrasy of hers. 

Christen held out her hand and she hoped that Kelley understood that this wasn’t a promise for something more, but it was at least appreciation for the things that could have been. When Kelley took it, she gave Christen’s hand a little squeeze to signal that she was prepared for it to be just what it was, not what it might mean in the future. 

Christen hoped that she was skilled enough to unlock the door quietly, but she was doing a horrible job. Just because she was doing a great one at keeping her low key level of drunkenness when it came to having a conversation, doesn’t mean that it didn’t show when she tried to physically do things. Kelley had to do it so that they wouldn’t wake up her family.  

Christen rolled her eyes and pulled Kelley by the hand when she made an attempt at a joke when she made way to the couch before Christen guided the both of them to her bedroom. The house was coated in darkness but there was enough light coming through her window to see Kelley watch her as Christen slowly and silently took off her outfit so that she wouldn’t be sleeping in this full-sized bed with clothes that weren’t meant to be slept in.  

She didn’t take her clothes off slowly and deliberately so that it could spark a desirous tension in the air, because that was obviously not something that needed to be stoked between the two of them. Because things changed, perspectives realigned for Christen with that hand grab of Kelley’s back at the bar. That didn’t mean that this was something serious, it was just something that she felt she needed to recognize and acknowledge to redeem the could have beens.  

It was nostalgic. 

Plus, this was how she usually slept, stripped down to her underwear.  

Kelley didn’t say anything when Christen walked up to stand in front of her sitting figure, and Christen didn’t speak either.  

No words escaped either of them when Christen saddled up in a position that landed both of her knees on the bed on the side of Kelley’s legs, and her head hovering above this woman’s face that was watching her every move.  

Since it wasn’t high school and there were many more girls they had both slept with since they last saw each other then they had fingers to count, this moment wasn’t hesitant or filled with naïve hesitation of their teenage years when Christen put her lips on Kelley’s. 

The hand on her jaw and Kelley’s arm looped around her back made Christen really wish that high school Christen would have experienced these lips and these arms back in the day. Her grip was so purposeful, and her hold was so strong, and her lips were so spellbinding that she quickly pushed aside the thought of the past and just enjoyed every second of the present.  

Because there was just so much to enjoy. Her hand in Kelley’s soft hair and Kelley’s mouth all over her body were things that this life was giving her right here, right now. Even though the alcohol gave her beer breath, it also slowed down this whole experience for her to hold onto.  

Kelley fingers trailed in places that haven’t been trailed in a really long time, and she had no patience when trying to cover every inch of Christen’s skin with her mouth. She felt herself unwind.

Christen felt herself let out a small moan, something she hasn’t done in more than two years, when Kelley had maneuvered their bodies so that Christen’s head was on her pillow, and the soft cotton of Kelley’s shirt was grazing her stomach when she felt the heat of the woman’s breath and her mouth on her neck.  

And it was that small moan that made Kelley slow down this nice, ten minute trip back to the past.

Christen just listened to the sound of their heavy breaths when Kelley unwillingly separated her lips from Christen’s body and let out a sad sigh and a quiet groan of frustration. 

“Well at least I know you’re a good kisser.” Christen said softly and kindly. She knew why Kelley had stopped it.  

The freckled woman chuckled.  

“At least I can die now that I know what you look like without a shirt on.” Kelley said with a small laugh when she hovered above Christen and just couldn’t believe that she was putting a stop to this.  

Christen traced the line of the woman’s eyebrow with her thumb to serve as a gesture that was asking Kelley to explain the halt out loud. She did so that her mind could sleep with ease and resolution to the pause of what could have been a really great night.  

“You’re drunk.” Kelley said softly.  

“And I get that this doesn’t mean anything serious, but I…I’d rather do this when you’re not and…I hope that’s okay, because I’m starting to think that I fucked this all up.” She chuckled sadly.  

Christen smiled and pulled Kelley in for a kiss, a sweet one to settle the old high school angst and the regret of present, mature decisions.  

“I don’t know what it’s going to be like tomorrow, and I’m actually really horny and frustrated right now-“ 

Kelley dropped her head in defeat and whined a little at the regret of her actions.  

“But I’m 100% sure that if you were like this in high school, that I would have fallen in love with you right back.” She said softly. She didn’t know how it came to be that she was certain of this.

Reading Kelley’s face told her that it almost seemed worth it for Kelley to stop whatever this was, just so that she could hear that statement. She picked up Christen’s hand and kissed it.  

It was an affectionate gesture. One that made Christen wonder if adult Kelley still could find love like she did back in the day, because there was so much love Kelley seemed to have. 

“Why?” Christen called out as Kelley relaxed her whole body onto Christen’s side and looked at Christen.  

“Why what?” Kelley asked. She was still holding onto Christen’s hand.  

“Why did you and Kristie write that letter? The one that you guys said Josh Wheeler wrote to me freshman year? I was fucking humiliated when he had no idea what I was talking about.” Christen explained. 

“Oh.” Kelley’s face fell. “The letter. Right.” 

“I mean I’m over it now, I just…that fucked me so far up when I told him ‘I love you too’ and he had no freaking clue.” Christen laughed.

It wasn’t painful anymore, quite laughable as an adult, but she remembered the way it kind of scared Christen off from telling anyone how she really felt for a long time in her life.  

“Chris I…” Kelley was not looking at her when she was mindlessly fidgeting with the strap of Christen’s bra. She looked just as nervous as she did before she gave her big revelation. 

“I wrote that letter for you.” 

“What?” Christen whispered. But she already understood. It all made sense now.  

“I… when I handed it to you…I panicked.” Kelley looked at her like it was the biggest mistake she’s ever made. “I just said it was from Josh.” 

Christen grabbed her so that she held Kelley’s face in the both of her hands.  

“I thought it was obvious, but…you were all I thought about as a teenager.” 

And the both of them just looked at each other while Christen pondered on the wonder of all the things she didn't know in this life. 

She wanted to end the night like this. Christen gave Kelley one last kiss for the night and put the woman’s arm around her so that she could snuggle into her side. It had been a long time since she’s done this with another person. Christen just wanted to enjoy how nice it felt. She had almost forgotten.  

And just like she used to do with Tobin, she let the sensation of the rise and fall of Kelley’s breaths beneath her arm lull her to sleep. 

 

** 

 

“Thanks for the ride.” Kelley said when she bent down to look at Christen through the passenger seat window.  

“Sure thing.” Christen nodded. But she didn’t drive away because her one night stand was still leaning on her car.  

“Say it O’Hara.” Christen ordered with a smirk.  

Kelley rolled her eyes but she smiled nonetheless.  

“Just know that I’m not putting an expectation on you one bit. I-I know where you’re at right now and I know that last night was just time travel to the past. So…I guess what I’m saying is that-please don’t think I- my draw to you- my actions before last night weren’t just because I wanted to score on the girl that got away.” 

Christen smirked at that.  

“I can tell that you’re going through something. And that you’re dealing with something. And that you need a friend. So my kindness doesn’t have another intention beneath just being a kind person to you.” Kelley said softly.  

“Are you saying that you had a nice time last night but you don’t want to go steady?” Christen asked. She smiled when Kelley realized it was a joke.  

“I understand, Kell.” Christen said softly. “I could really use a friend right now. I don’t have many of those.” 

The woman nodded slowly before she just gave her another one of her long stares.  

“Did you mean it?” Kelley asked, a little moment of seriousness creeping in.  

“What you said about falling in love with me back as a kid? Did you mean it?” 

Christen put her car in park.  

“I’m a lot different now than how I was back then.” Christen said to preface her reiteration. It was another warning she wanted to give.  

“But yeah. I meant every word.”  

She obviously didn’t know all there was to high school Kelley, but their trip back to the past gave her a glimpse of this girl that would have probably shown her the world.  

“Nothing I can do about it now, huh?” Kelley asked with a sad smile. 

She shook her head in response. It was impossible. 

She spent many nights dreaming and wishing that she could go back in time and change the day that Tobin had a championship, or when she got awarded player of the year and Christen was in another country for a client meeting. Or go back and tell her wife what they needed to do so that they would still be together. So that they would still be in love with each other.  

But she couldn’t do that.  

Not with Tobin. Not with Kelley.  

For a second, the smallest of seconds, she swore that she blinked and she saw 15 year old Kelley O’Hara leaning into the window of her car, asking her to go out with her.  

She blinked again and the vision faded away.  

And looking at Kelley O’Hara look at her now, reminded her that as hard as it was to do it, she shouldn’t waste her time thinking about the past. Because the future was unpredictable and beautiful in that sense. 

“But maybe you can show me who you are now?” Christen suggested. “Because you seem like a really beautiful person, Kelley O’Hara.” 

The freckled woman’s softened expression told Christen that what she said was the right thing. What she felt, what she suspected, was the right thing.

“I’d like that.” Kelley nodded.  

She straightened back up and went into her apartment before she said, “See you around, Christen Press.” 

 

** 

 

“You fucking harlot. Who knew Christen Press was a lady of the evening?” 

Christen watched Alex throw up a stress ball into the air and catch it over and over again as they both laid on her bed looking up at the ceiling and the flight of the ball.  

“Yeah but nothing happened.” Christen said.  

“Why not?” Alex said when she caught the ball and turned to look at her. “Was she…ya know…impotent?” 

“Oh my god. I love you. How do you manage to say the weirdest shit ever?” Christen said with affection as Alex laughed. She didn’t know how she spent all these years without this woman by her side.

“Wait.” Alex sat up. “Did you guys attempt to, but not successfully, fuck right here? Why am I so turned on right now?” 

Christen pulled Alex down to make her lay back down and relax.  

“It was…nice. I don’t know, I didn’t know she was just so nice.” Christen said.  

“Kell is like the nicest person I know. It’s kind of irritating.” Alex said.  

“Which is probably why she has so many customer service jobs.” She said with a chuckle.  

“Is- are you going to see her again?” Alex asked when she resumed her throw and catch.  

“Like that? No.” Christen replied.  

“Why not?” Alex said when she threw the ball at Christen’s stomach to signal her disapproval.  

“Because I’m in a shitty place right now and in a shitty location.” Christen sighed.  

“Yeah but you don’t have to be…”  

Christen thought it over for a little bit. “I’m not going to see her again like that. I don’t want to rope someone else into this mess. I can do it to you because I don’t give a shit about you and you already know how crazy I am.” 

“But I do want to be her friend. I actually opened up to her about Tobin and everything.” 

“Boo! That’s so boring.” Alex responded.  

“Uh. So when am I going to meet Servando?” Christen said with a raised eyebrow.   

“Um never because we’re not a thing.” Alex hushed.  

“Uh huh.” Christen replied. She found Alex’s weakness.  

“It looked like a thing.” Christen responded.  

“So did you and Kelley.” 

“You didn’t even see us. You were too busy sucking face.” She said with an eye roll. 

“Whatever. I believe you and as much as you believe me about Serv.”  

They laid there for a little bit while Alex dwindled in and out of sleep and tried to cure the little hangover she had in the clothes that she was wearing last night and Christen got the urge to write down something.  

“You still do that?” You and your scribbles?” Alex inquired sleepily.   

“Nah. I just picked it back up again.” Christen said, her thoughts far into the words on the page.  

“What’re you writing?” 

The former auditor absolutely refused to let Alex see her notebook.  

“Fine. Whatever. But you might as well hide that because if Tyler gets a hold of it today, she is going to tell on you to mommy and daddy about you writing about how much you hate her. Because how can you not…?” Alex asked when she turned over and hugged Christen’s pillow so she could sleep.  

Christen’s best friend stayed for two more hours until the family got the signal that Tyler had landed.  

“I’m out. I don’t need drama in my life.” Alex called over her back before she exited Christen’s room.  

 

** 

 

"Hi." 

She didn't know how someone with no money could have such a perfect set of teeth that shined so white from her smile.  

"Uh, you know that this food is like...really bad for you, right?" Kelley asked with a smirk. "I don't think Alex would appreciate it." 

"You told me you don't have any more deliveries, right?" Christen asked in a hushed whisper. 

"No it's my last... What's up?" Kelley asked. 

"Can you please hang out here? I'm about to fucking murder my sister." Christen said with an eye roll. 

"Channing? Just give her a fry and she'll be fine." 

"No. Tyler." 

"Oh." 

Kelley didn't really need an explanation. She knew about the difference in personalities enough to know that there was probably discourse in the Press house amongst the sisters. The whole family was home on the fourth day that Tyler had been here, and it was obvious from the way that Christen was sitting away from everyone else that there had been venomous words thrown at each other. 

Channing and Kelley eased the tension a little with their wit and banter as they played video games in the living room and Tyler just sat on the couch and watched them, while Christen sat next to Kelley. It was a nice distraction from the agitation that usually creeped up Christen's neck when it came to her older sister, to just kind of sit back and watch Kelley be an asshole when it came to video games.  

It was clear that she was good at everything. By the third time that Channing had groaned of frustration and almost chucked her controller across the room because of her third loss, Kelley was already hyped up on herself and Christen saw the competitor that Kelley was. She was ruthless. 

Until it was time for Christen to play against her. Kelley had managed to annoy Channing, Tyler, and her dad enough that they pushed this burden onto Christen, who felt like an unsuspecting victim. When she grabbed the controller, she thought to herself that this would definitely get rid of any attraction to Kelley she had if the woman acted like she was acting the whole night against her family members. So she agreed to it. Because she knew this shouldn't be a thing. 

But Kelley was Kelley. And it wasn't that Christen knew everything there was to know about her, because it had just been a short amount of time that they considered each other friends, but Kelley couldn't hide who she was. She couldn't hide that she had a soft spot for Christen, and that she always had.  

First, it was a race in which Kelley's car flipped over many more times than she's had before that resulted in Christen winning it at the last second. Second, it was some kind of fighting game that, according to Channing, Kelley had picked the weakest fighter that ended up losing to Christen's character. And third, it was some kind of shooting game that was a blatant pity play by Kelley.  

Kelley pouted, while Channing rolled her eyes, and Christen excitedly yelled and cheered all throughout the house. Tyler just watched it all. 

O'Hara: u kno u don't have to get Channing to order delivery to see me 

Christen rolled her eyes when she saw the message come in while she laid on her bed. Kelley was hanging out with Channing in her own room, watching a scary movie on Netflix that everyone voted to be watched in Channing's room since the Press' don't do scary. Tyler was in the guest room, and the parents already passed out for the night. 

Christen: Who said I wanted to see you? 

She smirked at that message. 

O'Hara: Guess it was just me wishing that you wanted to 

It was just the way Kelley responded to things with honesty and vulnerability, that made Christen's hard edges soften just a little. Alex was right, Kelley was the nicest person (except when it came to competition apparently) and it was a little irritating. Why was Kelley so disarming? 

Christen: Just tell me you want to see me. 

She didn't get a response back the whole night. Christen can hear through the walls, so she knew that Kelley was still in the room ridiculing Channing for jumping at some scary parts. But she remembered that this wasn't high school and Kelley was obviously busy and engaged in something else to reply. So Christen started writing. 

She wrote about a girl that got visions of people she knew in her past, and the most important moments she had with them back in the day. She wrote a happy ending for that girl. 

It wasn't until two AM that she heard Kelley say bye to her sister and she heard the front door open and close. 

O'Hara: I want to see u.  

The message came very quickly after she heard that door shut, but it wasn't quicker than the speed at which Christen put on some shoes and slipped out of the front door. It wasn't quicker than the way Kelley had her pushed up against the door and moaning into a kiss that felt indecently impassioned. This was something that wasn't serious and that was made very clear, but Christen could tell that these four days that she hadn't ran into or messaged Kelley was the power behind her lechery. 

"I'm sorry." Kelley said when she had broken away for breath. "I just haven't see you." 

"Does my sister know what happened a few days ago?" Christen asked while her chest heaved from the aggression of that kiss. 

"No." 

And that was the answer she wanted before she unlocked her car in the driveway with the key that she had strategically placed in her pocket, and pushed Kelley inside of it.  

And they spent hours in there, doing something that Christen most definitely would never want Channing to ever know about. 

 

** 

 

Christen was getting better at her mile time. She was really surprised that she lost Alex on mile five instead of mile three.  

But she wasn't surprised when she saw Alex standing inside Indy with two to-go in her hands, talking to Kelley at the bar. The sight sort of made her feel a little anxious, not knowing what Kelley was telling her, and feeling like she wanted to be the one to tell Alex what she had done earlier that morning. 

"Hey...you kept up today." Alex said with a smile.  

"I'm gonna catch up to you one day." Christen responded. 

"Yeah, yeah. Then you can join Kelley in the exclusive club of being fitter than me. You two must be made for each other." Alex said. Christen hated the way Alex held her stare longer than normal. 

"Sure." Christen said slowly while she gave her best friend an expression that warned her that she would pay for that. 

"Anyway. I gotta go. Are you going to stop by today?" Alex asked when she handed her coffee to Christen and made way for the door. 

"I don't know. You want me to?" Christen asked.  

"Yeah. I want you to." Alex said with knowing nod before she went out the door. Alex Morgan knew. 

Christen didn't really say anything when she watched Kelley prepare everything she needed for the morning rush. But she was getting really good at keeping eye contact with the woman in front of her since she knew what it was all about now. What it was always all about. 

“I had a really good time last night.” Kelley said when she leaned her elbows onto the bar so that she could be just a little closer to Christen.  

“Of course you did.” Christen said with a smirk.  

She watched Kelley pour herself a cup of coffee and take slow sips of it before she said, “So what did that mean? Because I haven’t forgotten our conversation about being friends.” 

"It meant what it meant in the moment." Christen said with her lips pursed to the side. She didn't know how Kelley would react to that and she knew that she also didn't have the ability to hide her feelings. 

"Okay." Kelley said with a smile and a gentle nod. 

"Well, have you seen Tyler this morning?" Kelley asked, shifting out of the weighted moment. 

"Ugh, no. And I would like to keep it like that today." Christen said. 

"Have you guys had the blow-up conversation? Has it all come to a climax in the Press household?" 

"No, not yet. And I would like for it to not ever happen. Because I will rip her head off."  

"Whoa. So much anger." Kelley said as she downed her coffee. "Well, let me know if you need someone. To be a distraction or just to talk." 

"Are you working tonight?" Christen asked diffidently. She didn't know why that was so. But she was kind of hoping that she wouldn't get a rejection. They were friends, but this was fun. 

"I work most nights." Kelley said with a smirk.  

"Oh. Yeah. Right." Christen said with a shake of her head. Normal people worked every day. She felt another wave of self-deprecation wash over her. 

"I...I get off at like two in the morning." 

"When do you sleep?" 

"I manage." Kelley said with an unconvincing amount of volume. 

"Well...if you need a ride home or something like that, you can just call me." Christen said a little timorously.  

"I will." Kelley said softly. And in the silence that followed Kelley was looking at her and she couldn't really read the emotion on the woman's face. The moment went interrupted when the first customer of Kelley's arrived. 

"Well I guess just tell me if you need me to give you a ride or something before work I-" 

"Just tell me you want to see me, Christen." Kelley said with gentle smile but intense eyes that fed Christen the same amount of authority that those words were given to Kelley the night before. 

 

** 

 

"What the fuck has happened between the two of you?" Alex said with suspicious eyes when Christen had knocked on her office door. 

"What are you talking about?" She replied when she closed the office door. 

"No. Don't. I know you like the back of my hand, Christen. I saw the way you looked at her this morning. Something happened." 

So Christen told her. And she did everything in her power to get the point across to Alex that this wasn't a serious thing and it wasn't something that had to be made a big deal of. Kelley was a friend, of whom sometimes Christen would like to indulge in. But she wanted a friend, needed one in this time of her life. Kelley felt like she could be one. One as good as Alex. 

"Alright." Alex said, unconvinced.  

They established that she didn't have to lie about her knowledge of the situation to Kelley, but if it was anyone else, they weren't to know. Christen didn't need the town gossip on her to be inflamed. 

They heard a knock on Alex's door. 

"Sup bitches. I knew you two would be in here making out." Allie Long said before she stepped into the office. "We going out tonight?" 

"No." Alex said. 

"C'mon. Us and Rachel. Kmew is going to some school play function shit I don't know tonight for her hubby's niece or some shit. It's like a Monday night, we aren't gonna get crazy." Allie reasoned. 

"Does that mean Rachel is paying since she's the big bucks other than Christen and she owes me for shit of shit I served Kristie?" Alex inquired. 

"Why not?" Allie said with a shrug. 

"You in?" Alex asked when she looked Christen's way. "It'll be a reason to not be at home with Tyler." 

"I'm in." 

 

** 

 

O’Hara: I made like 17 billion mocha lattes today.  

Christen: you didn’t make one for me : ( 

O’Hara: yeah I did.  

She didn’t get it at first, but then Channing had walked into her room with a to-go cup in her hand with Christen’s name written in it and a suspicious stare. Channing sought refuge in her older sister’s room in order to avoid Tyler, so the topic of Kelley had been brought up when the sister inquired about the way she had gotten a to- go delivery from Kelley because that place didn’t deliver drinks. Channing remained suspicious of her answer but she dropped the topic for now.  

“Can I go to the bar with you?” Channing begged when Christen told her of her plans.  

“I won’t even drink or do anything, I just need a reason to not be home. Tyler’s a nightmare.” The youngest sister reasoned.  

So that’s how she ended up at the bar with her little sister, her best friend, and two women that bullied her way back in the day, having a really good time. There were beers in their hand, courtesy of Rachel’s pay day and they were playing beer pong on the patio. Christen opted to stop after the one beer because Channing totally lied and she started drinking. Someone needed to drive them home.  

“Kmew going to hang out with you tonight?” Allie asked when Channing had left to get some more drinks.  

“Nope.” Rachel said with a shake to her head.  

“No? Isn’t tonight her “busiest day of work” for the week? She’s not pulling that crap with him anymore?” 

Rachel grimaced. She explained that Kristie wasn’t coming over to have sex with her because Rachel told her not to. Everyone was a little impressed, but Allie was a little wary of the texts she was gonna get from the married woman. Kristie Mewis was still all about the drama.  

“How did she respond? I mean its kmew, it didn’t go down that easily.” 

“I told her I was seeing someone else.” Rachel said with a chuckle. 

“Who??” Alex demanded.  

“No one.” Rachel assured. “I just said it.” 

Channing finally came back with a huge amount of shots in her hands that she passed for everyone else to take with her.  

“Uh… where did you get all that money to buy these?” Christen asked.  

“I didn’t pay for it. Kev’s at the bar.” Channing shrugged. 

Once everyone but Christen downed the two shots they had for each of them, Alex asked Christen to get her a beer to wash down the tequila. She ordered Christen to take her time in picking out which beer she was going to pick for her.  

She just shook her head at Alex’s very considerate and funny ways at being a really good friend to Christen. She just chuckled and nodded before she went to find a bartender that could help fill Alex’s request.  

There were more people in the bar than she expected to be there on a Monday night. It was mostly just men that were up on the bar to watch a football game that was playing on the few TVs spread out in the indoor area of the whole place. So it didn’t hit Christen really quickly because of the barrage of people blocking her view, that there was another bartender holding onto Kelley’s fingers as they conversed.   

They weren’t straight up holding hands, but this woman was a short blonde with really short shorts and she was playing with Kelley’s fingers while Kelley seemed to be telling her a story. 

The way this blonde was looking at Kelley made Christen wonder what kind of story it was.   

All of the patrons seemed to be taken care of, so Kelley had all of her attention devoted to this woman that would make any woman insecure when they were up for comparison to her.  

Christen turned back around.  

“Sorry, Al. They didn’t have the beer I wanted to give you on tap.” She said gravelly.  

“Oh…” Alex furrowed her brow. “Do you want me to get you something? I’m just gonna go get something random for myself then.” 

“Uh. Sure.” Christen replied. She tried to not be put out. She tried to push the sight she was thinking about away when Alex was gone. She even played a round of beer pong against Rachel to distract and remind herself that she was human.  

 _Of course you’re gonna naturally feel that way at first. But remember the deal and remember the way you need things to be in your life right now._  

She kept reminding herself all throughout the night after Alex came back and gave Christen a sad look. She needed to not be inside and try to enjoy the friends she was making. 

“Hey I’m gonna chill with Kev for a little bit.” Christen’s sister called out when some guys had come over and challenged Rachel and Allie to a game of corn hole.  

“Okay. Be safe and don’t let a guy take you home sweetie!” Alex called it sarcastically.  Channing just chuckled.  

“Oh hey! Who’s that hottie that she’s working with today? Maybe we can set her up with Rachel.” Alex asked when Channing was about to leave.  

“Oh. Um it’s a chick in one of my classes. I forgot her name.” 

“Is she older than you?” Alex asked with a furrowed brow.  

“I don’t know. She went back to school. She could be like 26 or something like that.” Channing shrugged. 

“Uh. No thank you.” Rachel said when she grabbed the beanbags needed for the game she had been challenged to.  

“Why not? Perfect way to get over kmew.” Allie reasoned.  

“Uh because of the obvious way Kelley’s marking her territory on her.” Rachel said with a chuckle.  

“True.” Channing said as she started backing away towards the inside of the bar. “They’ve been out a couple of times.” 

“See.” Rachel said with satisfaction.  

"But Kelley has slept with everyone Rachel." Allie said with an eye roll. "You can't get too picky in this small of a town bro." 

"That's also true." Channing said with a smirk. 

"Give it a week, Rach." Channing suggested. "Kelley will be talking to someone else." 

 

** 

 

“Hey guys!” Christen heard Kelley’s voice behind her and she instantly found Alex’s eyes for help. Christen was engaged and kind enough to participate in her group’s conversation with the bartender, but she felt the pressure of Alex’s analytical stare, and the paranoia that people could read her mind and tell that she was mentally battling herself.  

She was reminding herself every five seconds.  

“You just have to convince her. You don’t have to convince yourself.” Alex whispered into her ear when she led them to go back inside that bar.  

Christen nodded. She didn’t need Alex to elaborate. But she was questioning why she was leading the group indoors.  

"Okay, me and Allie versus you and Rachel. Loser has to do whatever the winning team says." Alex says when they're all standing by the pool table.  

"I don't know how to play pool, Al." Christen said with a sigh. 

"Yeah." Alex said while holding her stare. "That's why Rachel is gonna teach you." 

 

** 

 

Seeing Kelley 's obvious dismay that was powerful enough for it to be felt across the bar at the way Rachel was helping Christen on how to strike a ball with the stick, made her feel a little immature to be willingly going along with Alex's ploy. 

"You're not holding it right. Rachel, show her again." Alex said with theatrical exasperation. Her best friend really was something. 

"Hey do you guys need anything? Any drinks?" Kelley said when she had come over to their corner of the bar. 

Allie was obnoxious enough to order three drinks just for herself, Alex a beer, and Rachel a craft beer that sounded really disgusting when she explained what it tasted like when Alex inquired. 

"Chris, do you want anything?" Kelley asked with a different type of stare that was bordering on sadness and eagerness to please. 

"Um...I guess I'll just try whatever Rachel got." 

Alex choked on her beer, Allie had to pat her on the back so that she could recover. 

"Um. Okay." Kelley said, the defeat in her step was subtle. 

After Kelley had brought their drinks to them, Christen opting to not get her drink on the table Kelley had set them on an empty table nearby, right away. Kelley didn't come back to their corner again. 

Christen and company spent the rest of their night at that pool table, and she was actually getting pretty good at it. She sipped on the beer that Rachel had gotten and she found that it was surprisingly good. Every once in awhile she would look over at Kelley and see her talking to the blonde during their dead time, but there was no touching between them now. 

And there was a point in the night when Rachel had innocently picked an eyelash off of Christen's cheek, and she saw the sad gaze of Kelley's that wasn't aimed at her, but just in their general direction. Christen had to admit that this organic moment of perceived intimacy between her and Rachel Daly must have seemed like a dick move. 

O'Hara: Are you talking to Rachel? 

Christen didn't look at the text until it was time for them to call it a night because everyone but Christen had a job or class to get to the next morning. So she excused herself to head to the toilet for the last time that night. 

She had just read the text on her way to the bathroom when she looked up to see Kelley leaning on the wall by her destination, and she knew that this interaction was going to happen. But she wanted to resist having it. They were friends. Kelley was allowed to have someone else, and they had just slept together once. Her resistance was because of the stubborn notion that if she  _appeared_ okay, then she would eventually _genuinely_ be okay. 

But she knew that she wasn't doing a very good job at it when she tried to walk past Kelley without acknowledging her. 

And Kelley's disarming disposition was more powerful than Christen's resistance. Her resistance met its match when she felt Kelley's hand grabbing hers when she walked by her, and gently pulled her back. 

"Hey."  

"What's up?" Christen asked, trying to keep a neutral face that she wasn't sure if she was pretty good at. 

"Um..." Kelley looked down at their hands. "I-I...I just uh wanted to know if you were talking-talking to Rachel. I mean I'm not- I know that you're going to be talking to other people...I just wanted to know." 

Christen didn't know how Kelley was able to just put her vulnerability on her sleeve just like that. Christen couldn't even do that for her ex-wife when they were going through their last days. 

"Um..." Christen furrowed her brow, "And why is that something you would need to know?" 

"I don't know." Kelley whispered, and she was practically begging Christen to not make her answer that question. Because it wouldn't be good for the both of them. 

"I just...I just do." Kelley said with a shrug. 

Christen let go of Kelley's hand because this was on the borderline of being complicating, and it she found herself here a lot quicker than she thought was normal. 

"Kelley. I don't care who you talk to or who you're with." Christen said adamantly. Even though it wasn't true.  

"I know what you're all about. So don't worry about what I'm all about." The raven-haired woman said. 

"What does that mean?" Kelley asked, looking just a small fraction of heartbroken.  

"If you want to be my friend, don't text me asking me if I'm with someone." Christen said when she stepped closer to the bathroom. 

But Kelley pulled her back gently. 

"I want to be your friend. I-I I'm not trying to be a jealous girlfriend-" 

"Then don't act like one." Christen challenged. This crossed the line of complicated. She fucked this one up already and she was already putting another guard back up at the sight of someone she liked with someone else. Gave her flashbacks of a failed marriage. 

"Christen." Kelley said when she pulled her back another time.  

"I'm still insanely attracted to you." Kelley admitted a little desperately, "I won't- I know not to expect something more out of you and I, and I know that you're free to do whatever. It was just a knee-jerk reaction. I don't have those kinds of feelings for you." 

Christen hoped that she was still good at keeping those walls up and her faces unreadable. 

"Good. Because I don't either." Christen said softly before she made her way to the bathroom. 

 

** 

 

Christen was glad that Alex was still very tactful in the way that she didn't bring up the subject and she didn't push any conversation when Christen cited her silence with exhaustion when Channing asked. 

"What are you her boyfriend now?" Channing asked when Alex had walked the both of them to their door and Christen had stayed at the entrance. 

"Yep. Better put your ear plugs in Chan." Alex called back with a devilish grin. 

Christen turned to Alex once her little sister had closed the door to her bedroom. 

"Are you gonna be okay?" 

"Yeah." Christen said with a nod. "Just thrown off a little. But I'll be fine." 

"You know it wasn’t news to me that Kelley slept with a lot of people, right?" Alex said seriously. "I mean she's fucking charming." 

Christen nodded along because she didn't know why her best friend was telling her this right now, and she didn't know what to say, so that's all she could do. 

"And I know that you're fucked up about Tobin, but there's a reason I didn't try to give you a hard slap in the face at the idea of Kelley..." 

"It doesn't matter, Al. This was never a thing. I'm not making it a thing. So don't make it a thing." Christen said weakly. 

"Fuck off, Chis." Alex said softly. "If it's not a big deal, then stop making it a big deal. But if it is..." 

Christen sighed. 

"Kelley's not a liar. She doesn't know how to lie." Alex explained.  

"She said that she doesn't have feelings for me." Christen shrugged. 

"Because you basically told her to say that." Alex said knowingly. "But what she said to you at first, whatever she said to you when she first saw you, I'm pretty sure that was the truth." 

 

** 

 

Christen really shouldn't have expected anything less from Alex. 

She still forced Christen to do their morning run the next day and she deliberately hung out inside Indy to power play Christen into confronting things that she didn't want to deal with. 

So in an effort to appear like everything was okay, she acted like they hadn't had that conversation last night. And Kelley was apprehensive of her arrival. Christen met Kelley's timid glance at her and she maneuvered through Alex's direction of conversation and expertly managed to exit the conversation in a way that made it seem like nothing was wrong and she was just going to leave when Alex left. 

O'Hara: I have feelings for you 

Christen read Kelley's text that was sent just a few seconds once she left the shop. She walked home while she read and reread it. 

O'Hara: U know I lied to u about that 

O'Hara: I panicked.  

O'Hara: I promised myself I would never do that again but I did. And I'm sorry 

O'Hara: I still want to be ur friend. I still don't have the expectation of more than just that 

Christen was already an adult. She breathed in and out and she let herself be mad for a few seconds and she let herself relax for a few hours while she came to a calm place. Because this wasn't high school, no matter how much of this all felt like it was. 

She waited for the appropriate hour in the evening, before she ordered some food to be delivered. 

 

** 

 

"How is it possible that you knew all those things about me?" Christen asked, still in disbelief. 

"You repressed high school, I swear." Kelley said as she put a large amount of fries that Christen had ordered into her mouth. "You and I were lab partners for two years." 

"Yes, but you spent any time before or after class talking to Kristie in the back of the classroom." Christen replied with a playfully bitter eye roll. 

"Yeah, in the back of the classroom so I could stare at your ass." Kelley shrugged. 

"Fine." She was okay with that answer. 

The two of them spent the evening on her bed chowing down on food that she wasn't going to tell Alex about, with her door closed. Maybe it was a bit juvenile, but she didn't want anyone to know that Kelley was over at the house when Channing wasn't there. She instructed Kelley in her Delivery notes to park whoever's car she was using to deliver (her dad's), not in front of the house. 

Her parents were the only ones home since Channing was doing something for school, and Tyler was out visiting friends. Her dad was home but he never went into his daughter's room and her mom was watching TV, so hiding Kelley like a stowaway was possible. 

They spent the whole night telling stories of their lives that were important to fill in the things they missed because Christen had left town, but also the things they missed when she lived here. 

Like the time Kelley and the soccer team won some kind of championship in the state and she had worn the shirts that adorned their title, and waited for Christen to ask about the game or just acknowledge it in lab. 

"I even asked you what you thought about my shirt, and you were like 'um, I don't know it's a shirt.'" 

"I was stone cold." Christen chuckled. 

"You're just hard to read sometimes." Kelley said when she took the burger out of Christen's hands and took a bite out of it. It was to warm the frozen posture of the girl who stopped mid bite at the sound of those words. 

"Are you okay?" Kelley asked when she gently squeezed Christen's knee to get her attention. 

"That was what my ex said was the biggest problem in our relationship. That I was hard to read and that I didn't let her open the book for a long time." 

Kelley moved all of the paper bags and the food off of the sheets and onto the nightstand before she laid back down and signaled Christen to lay down next to her. 

"Why don't you want people to know how you feel?" Kelley asked as she laid with her elbow propping her up so that she could look at her. 

 "Because most of the time I don't  _fee_ l very good about myself. Why would I want people to know that?" 

"I want to know that." Kelley said sadly. 

"Why on earth would you want to know that?" Christen chuckled. 

"Because I'm your friend." 

 

** 

 

Kelley texted her dad that she probably wouldn't be able to bring back the car tonight. 

"Oh he's used to it, he knows that I'm not coming home when I..." Kelley curled her lips in when she realized that she was the biggest fucking idiot for divulging that piece of information when she was laying in Christen's bed. 

"When you're sleeping with a girl?" Christen asked. 

Christen could see the 'oh shit I fucked up' look on Kelley's face. 

"I know you're talking to other girls, Kell." She said with a shrug. "That's none of my business." 

It was true that Christen knew it was none her business. But it didn't mean that she  _felt_  rationally. No one felt rational, people just think rational. 

"I've been on a few dates, I mean even before you came into to-" Kelley defended. 

"I know. None of my business." Christen said again. 

And they finally circled back to what they were supposed to talk about. The reason Christened ordered food. 

"It doesn't have to be your business, but it can be if you wanted it." Kelley admitted. 

"That sounds like a relationship." Christen said when she looked away from the woman that was holding her with one arm like she was the only one she wanted to do this with. 

"I'm not saying you have to tell me what you're doing or who you're with- I did that with Rachel, and I won't ask again." Kelley said quietly. 

"I'm just saying that if you wanted to know, I'll tell you." Kelley reassured. 

Christen thought about that line of complication that she had been on the both sides of last night, and the intensity and pace at which this was all going. 

"Look, I can't read what's on your mind. You're just going to have to tell me." Kelley said simply. 

It was a long time before Christen said, "I'm not talking to Rachel. And sometimes I want it to be my business, and then sometimes I really truly don't. Really. I want to know who the person that loved me back in the day really is as a person, because you seem like a good one, but I don't want to spend my time here thinking about what you're doing or  _who_ you're doing. 

"Kell, I don't want to see you with another girl, but also don't want you checking up on me if I do happen to see you. Because it occurs to me that I really don't have to see it.

"I have to figure out my life, my career, my purpose.  

"I-I couldn't give myself, like all of it, to my wife. My wife, Kell. And that's because there are things I haven't figured out for myself, or by myself. 

I think that it's really crazy and kind of amazing at the same time at how much I like you. I really do. And for the time I'm here or even if I get stuck here, right now I just want to ride that wave of happiness with you, and it be okay knowing that it may crash. Because that's what waves do. And I don't want you and and I to drown." 

Kelley just smiled at her softly. 

"I would have never read that by myself. I needed you to read it aloud." She said with a chuckle. 

Christen copied her. That was kind of a lot to say and a lot to expect of someone to know. 

"I-Because of my lifestyle and the jobs that I have and the instability and craziness of what I do, I get it." Kelley said softly. "I really do. I get wanting to go with the flow with someone and take it for what it is now. I've- I mean I've wanted to find someone who gets that." 

 _She understands. She knows._  

"I want to ride this wave with you. I want to go with the flow. And well, I'm a lifeguard, Christen. I won't let us drown." 

Christen stared back at this person who, for once in her life, made her feel like she was wholly known and understood in that moment.  And she wanted Kelley to  _know_ how amazing that felt. How amazing Kelley could make her feel. 

So she showed her how she felt. At least three times that night. 

 

** 

 

Christen watched from her window the figure of Kelley swinging the keys to her dad's truck on her finger as she walked to it a couple houses away. 

There was just something about Kelley. 

Christen didn't know what it was. But that rollercoaster she went on in that two day time span made the sight of Kelley smiling at her before she drove away, enough to make Christen spend the next four hours applying to jobs right here in her hometown.  

 

**


	4. Kelley Unfiltered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen and Kelley figure out their dynamic as adults and if this thing is worth pursuing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a liar. There's a lot of angst.

  ** 

 

It's when Christen gets waken up by the sound of Alex's scandalized voice through her groggy haze saying, "I fucking knew that this was gonna happen when you told me that you were at a 'family dinner'" that Christen realized that she wouldn't be able to hide whatever this was with Kelley for long. 

She really did have a family dinner last night, but she had forgotten to tell Alex that she wasn't going to participate in their morning run because Kelley's mouth had kept her occupied until it was three AM and she had passed out. 

Christen groaned and she heard Kelley chuckle. 

"Are you guys naked under there?" Alex inquired impatiently. 

Her eyes weren't fully open when she felt the blanket being lifted off of her body slightly and then heard Kelley's voice, "Definitely." 

"I'm traumatized." She head Alex's dramatic statement. "Make me coffee." 

"It's my day off, Al." Kelley replied. Christen could feel the bed move when her bedmate was searching for her clothes.  

"Uh so? Buy me one then. There's no coffee in this house, I checked." 

"Did you ask Channing?" Kelley whispered. 

And with that statement, Christen shot straight back up, taking the blanket it with her so that she was moderately decent when she stared at Alex with frightened eyes. She wanted to hide this from Channing for as long as she could. 

"Is my sister still here?" Christen whispered.  

"Yeah she's in the kitchen, why?" Alex asked with a furrowed brow. 

The panic settled in. 

"Why didn't you wake me up?? You're usually out of here by now." Christen turned to Kelley when after she reached for Kelley's phone to check the time. 

"Uh hello. Day off." Kelley reiterated. 

Christen groaned. She abandoned the task of trying to hide her body from Alex because she had seen her best friend naked and vice versa many times throughout their life, when she climbed out of bed to find an outfit to change in. 

"That's what I like to see in the morning." She heard Alex say when she sat down on the bed next to Kelley. 

"Are you sure you don't like women?" Kelley asked. 

"I wish I did. Every. Damn. Day." Alex replied. 

"Alex, can you like check on what my sister is doing?" Christen asked. 

"Nah dude, I was just kidding she's not here. She probably already left for class. There's no one here. We're the three best friends that anyone could have!" She sang.  

Christen wanted to strangle her. 

"You're mad, whatever. I want coffee and a bagel on top of that. I deserve a free breakfast for having to be subjected to all of this." Alex said when she pointed at the both of them. 

"Fine. We'll feed you, child. I just gotta brush my teeth." Kelley said before she got up and checked the hallway to test out the truth of Kelley's words before she crossed the hallway to the bathroom. 

Christen started looking around for her phone so that she could start getting her stuff to go out for breakfast. 

Channing: Hey I know this isnt any of my business... 

Christen's heart beat fast. She could see the three dots on her conversation with her little sister. 

"Kelley has a toothbrush over here?" Alex asked. 

Christen barely just registered her best friends question while she was preoccupied by those three little dots. Her fear of Channing finding out about Kelley's late-night visits was going to become a reality. 

"uh...huh?" 

"Kelley. She has her own toothbrush here?" Alex inquired again. 

"Oh. No,she just uses mine." Christen sat distractedly. 

"Gross." 

Channing: But the US game is going to be on TV a week from now. I just saw it on Instagram. Idk if you wanted to know but just in case you wouldve wanted a heads up 

Christen's heart sank. But it was for a different reason than the one she thought would be the worst one she could think of. But she was wrong. 

"You okay, Chris?" Alex asked gently.  

 

** 

 

 "Eh. I have to go in early. Good thing I didn't run." Alex said as she gave Kelley a tap on the shoulder. 

"Whoa wait, are you- what happened? I thought we were getting coffee?" 

"Some of us have real adult jobs, Kell. Oh. Sorry Chris...anyway I have to go take care of something at the gym." Alex said before she got out of there. 

Christen watched as Kelley just shook her head at Alex's figure and then leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek before she started the search for her phone. But Christen's stillness tipped her off. 

"You okay?" 

Christen turned to look at Kelley, who looked concerned. The concern was growing with every second that Christen was quiet. She just stared and she was assessing how much of her feelings, her thoughts, how many pages that were rapidly being written in the seconds of her life, she wanted Kelley to read or know about. 

"Can I just not talk about it? Can that be okay?" Christen subtly begged, it was a soft request. 

Kelley nodded. "You can talk to me though. If you wanted to." 

That was the last thing she wanted to do. Because she was Christen and the thought on her mind was big enough to debilitate her and leave her a little numb for awhile. 

"Do you want me to go?" Kelley asked.  

Christen didn't reply but she just slowly brought Kelley closer to her by the hand and brought her onto the bed so that Kelley was laying back down with her head on the pillow. Christen started pulling down Kelley's shorts. 

"Hey." 

Christen looked up when she felt Kelley's hand stopping her. 

"I'm good for things other than that too, you know?" It wasn't harsh, but it was a small dose of hurt and concern. 

Christen tried to look anywhere else but at the woman in her bed that was pulling her in closer, signaling that she wasn't going to have sex with her when Christen was like this. 

"You said that I didn't have to talk about it." 

That only made Kelley's two arms looped around her tighten. 

"You don't." Kelley said quietly. "It's okay if you don't want to tell me what you're feeling. You don't have to. But I'm telling you how I feel. I don't want to do that with you when you're like this." 

Christen sighed. This was what she didn’t want.  

“This isn’t our happy wave.” Christen commented, the irritation settling in. 

“I’m not trying to make this anything.” Kelley said. “I’m not trying to pick a fight with you. I just want you to know that that that’s not something I want to do with you. Because you’re not thinking about me if we were to do that right now.” 

“Why does that concern you? I don’t care that you don’t think about me when you’re sleeping with someone else?” Christen asked. She bitterly recalled when she got a text from Alex that Kelley had left the gym with that blonde the other night when her and her family were watching movie at the theater. She remembered texting Alex to never give her that kind of information again. Alex didn’t need an explanation.  

She felt Kelley’s arms around her loosen as she saw Kelley eyes search her face.  

“Because I still have feelings for you, Christen.”  

Christen blinked. It seemed like déjà vu. But then she realized it wasn't. A memory of her ex played out before her eyes of her wife saying the same thing to her a year and a half ago when Christen asked why she should take her back to save the marriage.  

Then she remembered the heartbreak she suffered when she never told Tobin those words again even though they were true for her too.  She still had love for her wife at the time, but the pride and the anger just took over her mind and soon those emotions were stronger than her love. And when Tobin was gone, when Christen finally took off her wedding band, she 's never suffered more. 

Christen slumped in Kelley’s hold. She buried herself in Kelley’s chest.  

“I have feelings for you too.” Christen said quietly while she held onto the woman she woke up next to.  

 

** 

 

As Kelley promised, she didn’t ask Christen about her sadness that morning again. She just held Christen’s hand a little tighter than usual when they were walking to her car so that they could go catch the matinee, a thing Christen hasn’t done since she was a little kid.  

“You know what.” Christen stopped in her tracks. She looked at Kelley. “Here. You drive.” 

“That’s not funny.” Kelley said with a pout.  

“No! I’m gonna teach you.” Christen said with delight. 

“We aren’t gonna make the movie.” Kelley reasoned. 

“It’s not that hard. It’s not going to take that long for Stanford to get the hang of it.” Christen said, the smirk threatening to form on her lips.  

It took a long time of Kelley grumbling before she admitted that she didn’t like to fail at things in front of someone she wants to impress, before Christen found herself clicking the passenger side seat belt into its place.  

“You ready?” Christen asked with a grin.  

“I got this.” Kelley said confidently.  

They missed the movie. After the fact, it was actually a really great experience because Christen learned that she was not a good teacher and that she had the shorter fuse when it came to failure. She also learned that Kelley’s capacity for patience far exceeded Christen’s and that the freckled woman needed to hear instructions, be given an amount of time alone to learn it and not be pressured, in order for her to take the training wheels off.  

It was at hour two when Kelley suggested that Christen go by each step on how and when to shift gears, then she kicked Christen out of the car so that she could try to learn it herself.  

Which was all good for Christen. Because her frustration was making her irritable. And Kelley’s day off was quickly turning into a bad one.  

Christen sat on the sidewalk in this empty parking lot and pulled out her phone to busy herself when Kelley was in the car, sitting still with the car parked for five minutes. She promised Kelley that she wouldn’t interfere and that she’d stay on the curb. 

She only looked up when the car started moving very slowly. It was slow, but it hadn’t stalled by the first turn at the edge of the lot, and it kept going and pretty soon Kelley did five laps. And Christen was cheering when she noticed the car picking up the pace. Then it was two minutes later when Kelley drove out of the lot and out of sight.  

She left Christen there. And she didn’t come back until ten minutes later to find a very pissed off woman.  

“It was a joke!” Kelley called out from the driver seat window when she followed Christen as she walked down the sidewalk when she said that she would walk home without Kelley.  

“C’mon it was funny!” Christen didn’t want to admit that if she wasn’t the victim, it was actually really funny. But she kept her straight face on.  

“Babe. Stop.” Kelley pleaded.  

Christen stopped. It was the first time Kelley had used a  term of endearment to address her. She hadn’t been called ‘babe’ in a really long time. Certainly not within the last year of her marriage. She didn’t know how she felt about it because they weren’t in a relationship, but when she looked at Kelley looking at her with a sad face that begged her to hop in, she found that she was okay with it.  

“You’re an asshole.” Christen said before she got into the passenger side seat. But she couldn’t help but melt when Kelley kissed her and then smiled at her.  

“You’re driving me everywhere now.” Christen said with a shrug.  

“Aw. I’ll drive 50/50.” Kelley countered.  

“I taught you for the sole purpose of you being my driver.” Christen said sarcastically.  

“Yeah but you’re so hot when you’re in control.” Kelley said quietly when her hand moved from the gear shift to Christen’s thigh.  

They missed the second showing.  

 

** 

 

“No. You bamboozled me.” Christen said with a shake of her head.  

“You said to get ‘whatever’ so I did.” Kelley said with her arms crossed.  

They were at a stand-off right in front of the theater.  

“Babe. You taught me something, I’ll teach you something.” Kelley said, giving into the silence.  

“You can’t teach me how to watch a scary movie.” Christen threw back when she stared at the two tickets that Kelley had gotten when Christen trusted Kelley to buy the tickets when she was on the phone with Alex.  

“Okay well apparently you can’t teach me how to drive either.” Kelley said with a smirk, referencing how little Christen’s influence on her newfound talent was.  

“I. Don’t. Like. You.” Christen said with a pout.  

“I like you a lot.” Kelley said with a pout that matched Christen’s and she kissed the defiant woman and held her because she knew that she was going to break and give in.  

“I’m going to be next to you the whole time.” Kelley said encouragingly. “And during the scary parts you can just just hold onto me.” 

“This feels like a trap.” Christen said. But she begrudgingly let Kelley drag her into the movie for a day showing of ‘Insidious’ because Kelley promised that she would warn her when there were jumpy and scary parts.  

“I’ll buy the popcorn.” Kelley offered in exchange for Christen’s submission to participate in this torturous activity that Kelley’s weird mind liked.  

“You don’t need to. You can just use the money you get when you return my ticket.” Christen said with a shrug when she stopped them before they reached the guy that was taking the tickets. 

She saw Kelley really defeated, like a genuine moment of sadness, and she could tell it was genuine because Kelley couldn’t hide anything and when she tried to, it just amplified the emotion. 

“Okay. I’ll exchange them for something else.” Kelley said when she put her head down and walked back up to the teller.  

“Fine.” 

Kelley stopped in her tracks.  

“Popcorn AND a slushy AND sour patch kids.” Christen said with a sigh.  

Christen put her head down on Kelley’s shoulder when the movie started and she had both of her arms looped around Kelley’s midsection three minutes in.  

The only reason she was still talking to Kelley after the conclusion of that movie was because she delivered on her promise to warn Christen about the jumpy parts, and in addition to the food demands, Kelley bought a her a box of skittles that they shared. It was Christen’s favorite and she didn’t tell Kelley that it was because she was just impressed with the intuitiveness of the woman holding her.  

“It wasn’t too bad, right?” Kelley asked when they were walking back to the car.  

It was bad. Christen was scared out of her mind even when they were out in the daylight in that moment.  

“It gets easier and it’s fun to watch it with you because you’re snuggly.” Kelley said when she kissed Christen before they drove away from the theater. 

Christen knew that she must really like this woman if she was trying to think of ways to prepare herself for the next scary movie she was going to have to endure. 

 

** 

 

It was Christen’s turn to pick something for them to do.  

So she picked the beach. She always would.  

Seeing Kelley go and crash a game of beach soccer with these 12 year old boys that were clearly impressed by her foot skills and the way the boys were sad when she said she had to go back to Christen who was just watching fifty yards away, well it brought on a very weird feeling.  

It felt like California again. But this time, it  _really_ felt like California.  

She couldn’t tell apart the beach she was on now and the one that her and Tobin spent on many days in her past.  

The only difference was that she was staring at a different woman that looked like she was meant to have a soccer ball at her feet.  

When Kelley was walking back to her, she got that same feeling that Tobin used to give her in the pit of her stomach at the sight of the sun revealing the most beautiful vision of a person that they could ever produce on this earth and in time.  

She always kept this picture of Tobin on the beach when they were on their honeymoon and she kept it because in the picture the sun was just right and at the time the woman was just right. Her ex knew that it was her favorite photo of Tobin, but she never told her why that was her favorite photo of her. 

She didn’t have a camera with her now but she wished she did. She really wished she did.  

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Kelley said with a chuckle when she stopped ten feet away from her.  

“The way the sun is hitting you right now,” Christen said after a long look at Kelley after that question, “I won’t ever forget you like this. I promise.” 

Kelley stood there for a long time while she looked at Christen.  

“What’s up?” Christen asked. She didn’t understand Kelley’s reaction to her words.  

“The way you’re looking at me right now.” Kelley said. “I won’t ever forget  _you_  like this.” 

 

** 

 

It sort of felt like they were teenagers as they sat on the deck of the lifeguard tower that Christen usually sat by, their legs hanging off the edge, and their hands holding the one of the other.  

She had met some of the other people that worked as lifeguards when they came by and spotted Kelley hanging around there. They were mostly beautifully tanned people that smelled like sunscreen and most of them probably too young for Christen to have known them growing up. 

It was when one of her and Kelley’s classmates, one of the older people that was a lifeguard approached them and she felt Kelley stiffen when she came closer, that Christen remembered that the beach didn’t hold memories of past lovers for just her. They did for Kelley, too.  

Christen naturally felt the jealousy rise, but she also let it fall when this other woman asked her how California was and if she missed anything about their hometown.  

“Well, there’s a lot of things I missed, because I never had them. But it’s nice to have them now.” Christen replied.  

She didn’t want to think about how many times she would have these encounters with people that Kelley has slept with, or if she would ever be in the same position of this woman now, talking to someone that Kelley called ‘babe’ at the time.  

“Hi.” Kelley said. Christen realized that she had been quiet for a long time after their classmate had left.  

“Hey.” Christen said when she came out her thoughts. She looked to see Kelley leaning her head on the wood of the railing that surrounded the tower they were on, observing her.  

“I’m happy. With  _you.”_ Kelley said softly.  

Christen understood that Kelley was trying to say and the reassurance she was trying to give her without saying it.  

“Out of all the waves out here right now,  _this_ is the one I want.” Kelley said when Christen didn’t respond.  

Christen turned back to look at the ocean in front of them and the sun sitting high in the sky. As she watched the Earth revolve, she realized that the ocean was a big place. There were a lot of waves, more than Christen would ever be able to count. She had to remember that. She had to remember that there were always going to be other waves to ride on.  

But when she felt Kelley squeeze her knee after another long moment, she realized that Kelley wasn’t looking at the view. And she wasn’t looking at the waves.  

She was just looking at Christen.  

 

** 

 

"You work here, too?" Christen asked in disbelief when Kelley walked back to her car and signaled Christen to drive past the gate that was automatically lifted for her, without paying. Then she corrected herself in her head because she remembered that this woman was who she was. 

"Yeah! You get a lot of tips at a car wash. Especially when my shorts are too high." Kelley said with a wiggle to her eyebrows. "Because I'm technically not supposed to wear shorts, but I haven't gotten one complaint from him." 

"Ew." Christen said when the guy who looked like the manager winked at her and Kelley. And she just  realized that Kelley wasn't just charming to women. She didn't know how she felt about that. She watched from inside the little building as a bunch of guys detailed her car for free because apparently sleazebag manager owed Kelley a favor. 

"Kell. Are you sure that working here is worth it?" Christen asked as she observed the large amount of men, and only men working here. 

"Yeah!" Kelley said when she pulled Christen down to just take a seat and relax because she looked very tense. "I think I get the second most amount of money from here. Totally worth it." 

"Because you wear short shorts and you're wet all day?" Christen asked with a tone of sarcasm that she hoped would hide her real feelings that she kind of was surprised at herself for feeling. 

Kelley smiled sort of big with her mouth wide open like she was in genuine playful shock at Christen. "Are you...jealous of the attention that I get here?" 

"No." Christen responded a little too furiously and a little too quickly. She crossed her arms and picked up a magazine from the stack that was laying on the table next to her for people that were waiting while she pretended to not see in the corner of her eye the smirk that Kelley had on her face. 

"Okay, good. Just making sure. Because if I'm being honest I do get asked for my number here a lot." Kelley said when she picked up a magazine for herself. "I mean, if I'm gonna get a big tip I gotta give it out." 

The thought really made Christen feel confusing thoughts. She forgot that the male population existed and she forgot that they could see Kelley, too. Kelley dressed pretty neutrally but she also knew that Kelley worked out without a shirt on and according to Channing, she didn't have a problem taking her clothes off for a lot of women. So she knew that Kelley knew she was hot. 

So she sat in her seat while she silently wrestled with the natural jealousy that was spiking. That was until Kelley kissed her on the cheek to get her to pay attention to her, something that Christen was not ready to give because she was still struggling. 

"Why is it that the one person's attention I want in this place, won't give it to me?" Kelley asked with a smirk on her face. Christen wasn't really good at hiding this emotion, apparently. 

"Good thing that there's other people here who can make up for it." Christen said without looking up from her magazine.  

"Christen." 

The tone of Kelley's voice was so soft that it made Christen buckle and look at her. 

And the woman was giving her this expression that said 'C'mon you're being ridiculous' and it was clear that even though Kelley was enjoying this, she was still trying to ease the obvious tension that Christen was experiencing. 

"Why do you have to work here?" Christen pouted.  

"Because this and the other temp jobs I do fund the life I want. I gotta do what I gotta do. You know that. Plus, Tobin would understand so I would think that you would understand, too." 

Christen narrowed her eyes at the reference to her ex-wife. She didn't understand. 

But she didn't ask about it because she really didn't want to talk about her ex, and because Kelley's manager came in to tell them Christen's car was ready. 

 

** 

 

“Well, why don’t we just go to your place? We can take a nap until my family goes out tonight for whatever they’re gonna do.” She suggested.  

“Mmmm. We can go to the bar or stop by to see Alex..?” Kelley offered.  

“I don’t want to drink Kell. Plus Alex is working and I don’t wanna workout.” Christen shrugged.  

“Food?” 

“I’m not hungry. I ate so much candy.” Christen responded.  

“I mean we could go to a park or go shopping or-“ 

“Kell, I’m tired. Just a little nap?” 

“Well then let’s go back and lay on the beach.” 

“Why don’t you want to go to your apartment?” Christen asked quietly. The engine to the car was on and she could only hear the rumble of it as Kelley stared outside the window.  

Christen turned off the car when it was obvious that Kelley was avoiding. She couldn’t lie.  

“Kelley.”  

“Chris, I don’t care where we go, just pick.” She said when she crossed her arms and looked out the passenger side window.  

“Fine.” Christen said when she turned her car back on. “I’m going to your apartment. I’m driving. I’m in control.” 

She never had the intention of driving there if Kelley really didn’t want to bring Christen there.  

“Don’t.” Kelley begged frustratedly. 

“Why not?” 

“Because I live in a shithole Christen.” Kelley said when she finally looked at her.  

“What are you talking about…?” She inquired. She remembered that she had driven Kelley to her place the day after they first kissed. She didn’t remember making any sort of assessment of the place like Kelley just did. 

"I don't live in a nice home like the one you had with Tobin in the freaking Hills of LA. I mean I'm dirt poor. I don't-I've never had a maid my whole entire life, Chris. The job of mine that makes the most money probably makes $17k a year." Kelley said pointedly. 

Christen curled into herself, recoiled a bit, at what she thought Kelley was trying to say and the sort of quick way this topic between their differences popped up. She didn't ever think that this would be a thing. And the only way Kelley would have known to make that 'maid' reference was that Channing had told her. And that meant that the topic of Christen's affluence was a thing for Kelley.  

"So...?" She asked quietly. 

"So I don't want to take you there." Kelley said defeatedly.  

Christen sat still for a long time. 

"Kelley...do you think that I'm gonna look down on you or something because of...?" Christen didn't really want to finish the question. She didn't want to know the answer the question on her mind. 

But Kelley's timid face revealed that she didn't want to answer that question either. 

"Do you think that I care about those kinds of things?" Christen finally asked. 

"Chris..." Kelley sighed. "Look at the car we're in. Look at the clothes you have on. Look at MY clothes. Look at my life and my jobs. I don't even have money to buy us dinner after buying all that candy at the movies." 

Christen's shoulders sagged. 

"I can't give you even a fraction of the life you had-have." Kelley said with defeat. 

"I'm not asking you to give me a life." Christen retorted. 

This had never occurred to Christen. Not once did she ever think about the difference in their 'status' when it came to wealth. It was definitely a topic and a social construct on everyone's mind in the city she used to live in, but she hadn't carried that over when she moved back home and applied it to Kelley. Sure, she definitely looked down on some of the people that never got out of this town and stayed stuck, but she hadn't thought that it meant that she was also looking down on the fact they didn't have the money she did. 

Now she realized that maybe that's exactly what she was doing. And that's exactly how everyone thought about her.  

But it wasn't how she thought about Kelley. And the fact that she was probably making the woman across from her feel that way, saddened and sort of wounded her.  

"You must really think I'm snobby and self-absorbed." Christen said sadly. It was especially sensitive to Christen because the selfishness and the lack of consideration for others was something she accused Tobin of when the affair was revealed. 

"No." Kelley said. She sighed with disappointment when Christen moved her hand away when Kelley reached for it. 

"I'm-Chris I'm embarrassed." Kelley admitted.  

"Why?? I don't care about those things." Christen said, the hurt was evident by her expression.  

"You have to know that Kelley." Christen said adamantly. "I mean, shit I don't even have a job right now. I spend my days doing nothing. I'm not defining how great of a person you are by the clothes you wear." 

"Tobin is like a fucking Nike Model." Kelley threw back with a bite. And for Kelley it wasn't that she was trying to refute Christen's statement, it was just that she was just trying to deflect the insecurities she harbored.  

"Oh yeah? And I'm not married to her anymore now am I?" Christen felt the anger in her rise. 

The whole ride to Kelley's apartment was silent and Christen didn’t even turn to look at her when she stopped the car in front of it, and didn't put the car in park, signaling for Kelley to get out. 

"I didn't mean it with that Nike comment." Kelley said when she didn't make a move to open the door. 

"Kelley just get out of my car." Christen said defeatedly, still looking straight ahead. That usually worked when her and Tobin had a fight and she just didn't want to deal with their problems. Tobin was an elite athlete, she could run the whole way back to their home no matter where they were. 

"No." Kelley begged and she reached for Christen's hand. "I don't want you to be mad at me, Chris. I'm- Can you understand that this is something that doesn't make me feel really good about myself when I think about us? I don't want to admit that, but I'm just...trying to talk to you about it." 

"But how is that my fault? What have I done or said to you to make you feel like you should feel that way?" Christen defended. 

"Nothing!" Kelley said when she put her other hand on Christen's face. "It's just me." 

Christen sighed. 

"Kell, I may be in a higher tax bracket but I'm fucking miserable!" Christen said with strength. The tears starting to well up.  

"I wake up everyday feeling like I have nothing. And I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. A-and you are SO happy. Stupidly, annoyingly, fucking happy. How the fuck do you think that I have more than you??” 

The breath left Kelley’s body when she let Christen words hit her. After a second she nodded in understanding to those words and the multi faceted insecurities it held for them both.  

“You’re one of the reasons I’m happy.” Kelley said softly as she repeated the same thought as she did earlier that day. She removed her hand from Christen’s face because she didn’t know if that was too much for the woman, but she still held onto her hand.  

“I know I’m not- I know that this isn’t what is going to define you or what happy means to you, but I-I hope that I can… I don’t know, make you happy for just a second?” Kelley said quietly.  

Christen nodded, the frog in her throat preventing her from saying anything, while she wiped the tears that were threatening to spill. She didn’t like revealing her insecurities either.  

“Can you park? Can you come up and lay with me?” Kelley asked in a whisper.  

Christen felt herself hesitate. She was in a limbo of wanting to get away to put herself back together from the tear this conversation made in the fabric of her being, but she also wanted to make Kelley know that she understood what she was trying to say. Christen hadn't quite learned yet how to let someone in when she was struggling. It was an issue in her marriage. 

"I don't want you to leave." Kelley said. 

But she did learn that she just needed someone to say that out loud for her to finally begin to learn how to let someone in that wanted her to stay. 

Christen nodded. She did what Kelley asked, and she let Kelley hold her while they napped on the futon that she had in lieu of a bed. 

 

** 

 

"Hey. I've been meaning to tell you since this morning..." Kelley said as she ran her fingers through Christen's curly hair. 

"What?" 

"I won't be in town this whole week. I leave tomorrow in the morning, and think I get back next Monday. I got a bunch of visits to make and places to be and...decisions to make." Kelley said with a sigh. 

Christen kind of felt like Kelley's wording was intentionally cryptic, and it made her very curious as to what job Kelley was doing this for, or if it was even for a job. She recalled the times Kelley referenced that she travelled to a lot of places. But she didn't ask. She wasn't Kelley's girlfriend, and if she wanted Christen to know, she would tell her. 

"Okay." Christen replied. 

"And...I won't have my phone on me really much at all. So... I'm not a dick that’s ignoring you. I'm just gonna be busy." Kelley said with a frown.  

"Who says that I'm even going to text you?" Christen asked, her smirk trying to abate these feelings that were surfacing. 

Christen held onto Kelley's arms that were so strong and a low-key favorite part of this woman that was laying next to her, because she was realizing that she was probably really going to miss her. They had been doing this 'thing' for a few months and it wasn't a relationship, but she would miss her friend's presence. 

"Fine." Kelley said with a playful shake to her head. "Even if you don't, I'll text you." 

Christen just shook her head in a low amount of awe at the woman's charm. 

"Whoever you end up with, they're going to be really lucky to have you." Christen said. 

Kelley looked like she wanted to say something to respond to that, but she didn't. She just kissed her and didn't stop until it was time for her to start packing for her trip. Christen just watched her pack and tried to tame the nice feeling of domesticity that she felt in this 300 sq. Ft apartment. 

 

** 

 

Christen woke up to a text message from her mom asking where she was and if she was okay, and she replied that she was okay and that she had slept over at Alex's. Christen felt like a teenager. 

She watched as Kelley roamed around the small apartment for some last-minute things. 

"You can stay here if you want. The futon's not at as soft as your bed but if you needed a place to get away." Kelley said kindly when she came up from putting the few bags she had into the small trunk of Christen's car and came back to fetch her. 

As much as she wanted to lay on this piece of furniture that smelled a lot like Kelley, she also thought about the amount of women that had probably slept and done other things on this futon. She didn't forget about that part of their dynamic. Christen settled for stealing a t-shirt of Kelley's for her to keep a piece of this apartment with her in her absence. 

She remembered that she wasn't this woman's girlfriend and that she should dial down the sadness of their goodbye when Christen dropped her off at the small airport this town had.  

"So I can text you when I'm gone or is that too relationship-y?" Kelley asked. 

"You can text me." Christen said with a chuckle. "I'm gonna give you space to do your thing." 

"You know I'm not asking for space, right?" 

Christen didn't respond and Kelley didn't expect her to. 

"Can I say that I'm going to miss you?" Kelley asked, the question a lot serious than her previous one. 

Christen nodded while she looked down at her hands. 

"I'm going to miss you. A lot." Kelley said when she tried to make Christen look at her. 

And Christen knew what she was feeling, and she knew what she should be doing, so she met her conflicting thoughts and desires by just giving Kelley a kiss that she hoped would say without words:  _I'm going to miss you too._  

Because for now, saying that would be too intimate, no matter how true they were. 

 

 _**_  

 

Christen stopped when she walked into her room to see Channing sitting on her bed, waiting for her.  

“I think you’re forgetting that this is a small freaking town dude. You can’t hide who you’re sleeping with.” Channing said to her.  

Christen closed her eyes in defeat. She didn’t want her sister to find out just yet.  

“Fuck. Who told you?” 

“The other girl Kelley sleeps with. That blonde.” Channing replied. Christen didn’t like that her sister’s response struck an emotion in her that she didn’t want to deal with anymore.  

“She came up to me because she knows you’re my sister and that I hang out with kev. She asked me if Kev had a girlfriend because she saw you two at the beach.” 

Christen sat down next to her sister. "Are you mad?" 

She felt her little sister grab her hand. 

"I want you to be happy. I can see now that you've been here for more than three months or so and that you're not happy. I think when you were gone, that I didn't really understand how shitty you were feeling because of the divorce." Channing said sadly. 

"So if she makes you happy, then I'll be happy. But I just want you to be careful with this whole thing." 

"Why?" Christen asked.  

"There's four things I know: 1. Kelley is good with the ladies but she's also horrible at telling them that she's over them. That's the reason why I call her Kevin. 2. You're my sister and she's probably my best friend, so I don't know if I should get involved if something were to happen. 3. The reason why I'm not totally against this is because I know how much she really does like you." 

"How do you know how much she likes me?" Christen inquired. 

"She talked about you like all the fucking time when we first started hanging out. I actually learned some stuff about you from her that I never knew." Channing said with an eye roll.  _So she really did love me back in the day._  

"And when she came over that day when she delivered your food," Channing rolled her eyes again, "She was so annoying." 

Christen chuckled. 

"But the fourth thing I know: Is that you just had a divorce." 

That was something both of the people in this room knew. Christen nodded before she laid down on her bed. Her little sister eventually copied her. 

"Are you gonna send some to her next Monday?" Channing asked. 

"I don't know. Do you think I should?" Christen asked when she turned her head to look at her. 

"Only you can answer that question dude. But I know that you married her so at some point you really believed she was the one. You don't forget that." 

They both looked up to see their mom walk into Christen's room with the biggest smile on her face. 

"You can't keep secrets from me, Christen." Stacy said, her smile getting even bigger. The two daughters looked at each other in panic because they didn't know that their mom probably overheard them. 

"A little birdie told me that your application got picked for an interview at the firm!" 

Christen really hated that this was a small town. She wasn't ready for either one of these people in her room to know about that. Especially since she wasn't sure how serious she was about finding a job here just yet. 

“I’m just so excitedly for you! I’m happy that you’re taking steps! I mean baby they probably won’t pay you as much but…” 

Christen tuned her mom’s words out.  

 

** 

 

“Yeah but it’s like none of my business.” Christen said when she put down the weight that was in her hand.  

“But that’s like pretty much bullshit. Am I right?” Allie Long said as she did her set of lunges.  

“Allie doesn’t lie.” Rachel said, who was doing the same set as the blonde next to her.  

“I’m not ready for commitment. And it sounds like she isn’t either.” Christen defended. She placed the weight on the rack a little too forcefully.  

“She basically told you it’s your business.  She wants commitment.” Allie said.  

“So then why would she still be sleeping with other people?” 

“Because you’re telling her to. And I mean at the same time she’s pretty young. Why wouldn’t she? That chicks hot but I’m surprised I don’t know her name.” 

“I don’t want to know.” Christen said quickly.  

They were making great points that she had already heard from Alex thirty minutes ago when she was in her office. But Christen still resisted it. Her and Kelley had a connection through their circumstances. Neither of them could commit to something. That’s why it worked so well. There was no pressure. She didn’t want to change that part, no matter how shitty it felt to see that blonde Kelley was sleeping with too, across the gym staring right back at her every once in awhile.  

“Well if it’s bothering you, just sleep with other people too.” Rachel said with a shrug. “It sort of worked for my situation.” 

“It’s such a small town guys. I mean it’s gonna get back to Kelley if I’m hanging-“ 

“But that’s none of her business. Right?” Alex asked. They all turned to see the gym owner sipping on some smoothie. 

“Why not Chris? You don’t want commitment, so then use that time to find out what you like, what you don’t like, who you like.” Alex said with a shrug. Allie and Rachel nodded in agreement.   

“Just think about it Chris.” Allie said with a shrug. There were a lot more people calling her Chris nowadays. It was a strange feeling. Not a bad one, just a strange one. 

“Al and I are going to go out to find a girl for Rachie over here since she’s apparently officially dropped Mewis.” Allie said with an eye roll.  

"Allie, I'm confused. Are you friends with Kristie?" Christen asked with a chuckle. 

"I am." Allie nodded. "The shit I talk about her isn't something I haven't said to her face that day. She knows she's a fucking bitch, but...she's...there are some redeeming qualities to her." 

Alex snorted. 

"Rach is pretty level-headed. And she liked Kristie, right?" Allie asked when she turned to her friend. 

"Whatever. I'm ready to go out and meet someone else." Rachel said. "Chris wanna come? Tomorrow night?" 

 

** 

 

The next time Christen saw Kristie Mewis was when Alex and her were on their morning run. They deviated from the usual path since Kelley wasn't going to be there to give them free coffee, and they had made a turn down the street that their old high school was. Christen had been in a great mood since she was actually keeping up with Alex up until the point that they reached high school, but it was dashed when Alex started slowing down. 

"What?" Christen asked, hating that her flow was interrupted. 

"Mew Mew is staring me down and I can't NOT engage." Alex muttered as she stared on at the blonde woman that was in fact staring at them. She was standing by her car that was parked in the school parking lot. 

"What the fuck do you want Mewis?" Alex called out, not caring that there some teen students loitering about in the parking lot too. With that question, Kristie made her way to them, her march indicating that she was angry. 

And it wasn't until Kristie was close enough for Christen to see Kristie's eyes that she realized that this woman wasn't staring down Alex. She was staring down Christen. 

"Fucking stay away." Kristie said, the anger in her voice was making her voice shaky. 

"You can double dip with O'Hara all you want, but stay away from things that aren't yours. It's actually pretty sad that you keep chasing girls that have already been with me." Kristie said in Christen's face. 

"Hey. Walk away, or a bunch of your students are going to see me beat your ass." Alex said in a growl when she stood in between Christen and was pushing the blonde away slowly. Christen just stood there confused to what Kristie was referencing. 

"Suck a dick, Morgan." Kristie said when she finally backed off. 

"You do enough of that for a lesbian, don't you?" Alex said with her eyes warning the cheerleading coach to walk away. There were a handful of students watching the from afar. 

Christen watched as this woman who was just an older version of the bully Christen remembered in high school walk back to her car. She wondered what Allie meant when she said that Kristie Mewis had some redeeming qualities. She thought she may have seen a glimpse of a human being in the way she accused her of stealing something of Kristie's and her anger was because she was hurt. High school Christen may not have not detected the bruised and childish actions of this bully, but adult Christen she wondered who hurt Kristie Mewis this time, and back when she was a kid. 

"What is she talking about, Al?" Christen asked when they started running again. 

It wasn't until they ran past the whole school and got onto another street when Alex slowed down to a full stop. She never stopped until they reached their full destination. The woman wiped the sweat from her face. 

"This town is small, I think you're forgetting how small." Alex said. Christen was quite impressed with how less winded she was than Christen. 

"I don't think I've forgotten." Christen responded when she thought about how her mom had found out that she was applying for jobs here. She had told the firm that she was going to consider other options before she went in an interview, a stunt she could pull since her resume was something to boast about.

"Then you're probably not surprised that people think that you and Rachel are a thing..." 

Christen furrowed her brow. 

"Kelley thinks you guys are..." Alex said when she continued walking. 

"And you didn't clarify that I wasn't?" 

Alex continued walking. 

"Why not, Al?"  

Alex sighed. "Because Chris. I don't want you to have the weaker hand. I want you to be in charge of your future. And I don't know what that's gonna look like, but I don't want people to be thinking that your just another one of Kelley's girls. And I don't want Kelley thinking that you're easy! Because I know that's not true. Kelley really does like you, and you're so much more than just another chick." 

Christen didn't know if Alex's actions were right or not, but she wanted to think about the good in her best friend's intentions. 

"Plus...it helps Rachel out too." Alex reasoned. "Which, she doesn't know about the rumor of you guys either, so...I mean do what you want with that information." 

"I'm guessing that there's talk about Kelley and I?" If she thought about it, she wasn't exactly hiding how affectionate she was to Kelley. Her parents were bound to find out. 

"Chris. There's a lot of talk about you." Alex said with a sigh. "I can't even keep track anymore. Cause I know the truth and I don't listen to most of it anyways. Just the interesting ones. Like that you ordered flowers to be delivered to miss what’s her name…” 

It was Christen’s turn to walk on silently for awhile.  

“That’s not just talk is it?” Alex inquired.  

“How do you know that?” 

“Your family is pretty much an open book. Except you.” Alex shrugged.  

 

** 

 

O'Hara: don't know what ur up to but idk im thinking about u. sry if that’s too much 

The first sign that Kelley was still alive had been four days into her trip. Christen didn’t know if Kelley really was serious about her busy schedule, but she kind of hoped it was true if it the first message she got from her took that long.  

Christen just read the message and stared at it for a long time as she sat at the bar that was a step above the one Kelley worked at, and more people went to. Christen didn't ever remember this bar being here when she was a kid.  

Christen: if it’s the truth its not too much 

O'Hara: are you thinking about me?  

It was such a vulnerable question and it warranted a vulnerable answer. Christen sighed. She looked up to see Alex staring at her, and warning her to not have her phone out the whole night.  

Christen: Yes 

O'Hara: what are u doing? 

Christen: sent a photo – it was a pic of Alex and Allie leaning over to see if they could spot a woman for Rachel. 

O'Hara: Cool. Are u hanging out with anyone else? 

She narrowed her eyes at that text. She knew what it was asking. And she recalled that Kelley promised that she wouldn't ask her about that anymore. She answered it anyway. 

Christen: Rach is buying us drinks 

Christen: A and A are trying to find a girlfriend for Rach 

O'Hara: and what are u doing? 

Christen: talking to you. 

O’Hara: I can let you go if u want me to 

Christen: do what you want Kell 

O’Hara: I don’t want to let u go. But I will if u don’t want me to ask who ur gonna b with later tonight 

Christen sighed. She put her phone away. She tried to be present for the search for this woman that could meet Rachel’s standards. Personality was pretty low since she could stand Kristie’s, but looks was pretty high because she was fucking Kristie. All of them pretty much had to go through people they already knew were into women just so that they could filter the population in the bar.  

Christen didn’t want to think about the fact that they’ve all probably slept with the woman she was texting on the phone that she wanted to stay buried in her pocket.  

But she didn’t anticipate it to be an easy task for that night because she didn’t anticipate the arrival of Kristie, sans husband. It was sure to cause something that Christen would not want to miss because she was looking at her phone.  

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” The four of them just stared with an open mouth when Kristie had marched up to the table to Rachel. 

“Christen Press?” She spat.  

“What do you want?” Rachel asked. Her voice was a lot lower In volume and a lot more tired than the woman who was yelling at her.  

“I want you to tell me why you’re doing this! Why her?? Ms. Pretentious over here doesn’t even know you!” The blonde demanded.  

And then that’s when Christen really felt sorry for the actual pain that the blonde must have really been feeling. She didn’t care that this was the woman she hated. Kristie looked more hurt than angry.  

“Stop. You’re making a scene.” Rachel instructed.  

“I don’t care! Why are you talking to her?” Kristie asked. The three other women sitting at the table could see the flash of understanding that blazed across on Rachel’s face. She just realized what Kristie was accusing her of.  

“Umm..” 

“Answer me.” The blonde demanded.  

Christen reached under the table and gave Rachel’s knee a squeeze. It was permission for her to go along with it.  

“It’s none of your business, Kris.” Rachel shrugged.  

“Yes it is.” She said.  

“No it’s not. You have a husband. A  _husband._ _”_ Rachel stressed.  

The woman who was standing above them all looked…broken. Christen could tell because she’s been there before. And Rachel Daly looked like she was broken in a very different way, but the pain was just as much. Christen didn’t want to think about how much of her life could end up being a replay of this.  

Kristie stormed out of the bar, just liked she had stormed in. And Rachel followed her at the protest of Alex and Allie.  

It was 30 minutes before they saw Rachel walking back to their table.  

“Hey. Thanks by the way. You didn’t have to go along with it.” Rachel gave her a smile.  

“I cannot say that it wasn’t a pleasure.” Christen said with a smirk.  

When asked if she had resolved it with Kristie, Rachel just said that she was sitting here at this table and not with the blonde for a reason.  

It took the group two hours of drinks (Christen didn’t drink) to process and gossip about what just happened.  Christen finally took out her phone when they got ready to leave.  

O’Hara missed call 

O’Hara missed call 

O’Hara: that wasn’t me asking 

O’Hara: I won’t bring it up again 

O’Hara: call me later. I’ll wake up to the ringer  

Christen wondered if this was the upper hand that Alex wanted her to have.  

She didn’t know if having it felt any good. Because she still missed her.  

O’Hara: or if ur busy I understand  

 

** 

 

She didn’t call her that night, but she did text her the next day like they never had that last conversation. The woman never responded until later into the night but when she did, she just went with the flow.  

Christen had kept the communication between her and Kelley light in an effort to display that she was comfortable and at ease with the time spent apart. This whole week she experienced this town without the presence of Kelley made everything feel kind of off. Kelley worked everywhere. She did everything. If Christen were to run errands, she most likely would have ran into Kelley while she was trying to earn some money. So when she wasn’t there, and Christen didn’t run into her, her absence was noticeable. But she wasn’t going to tell her that because it was kind of the unspoken way that Christen was going to abide by Kelley’s wish that she find a woman that would be okay with these absences.  

But when it was finally Monday, Christen had a nervous feeling when she woke up. She didn’t know when her flight was and Kelley never asked her to be picked up, but she did know that today was the day that Kelley came back.  

And when she saw Channing, she also remembered that it was gameday.  

Christen spent the day distracting herself by writing in her notebook about a girl that went traveling all over the world just to find that the person she loved was someone in her hometown.  

It was the early afternoon when she heard the doorbell ring. Christen looked at her phone, she didn’t see a text from Kelley, and she also knew that she was smart enough not to ring the doorbell in the event that someone other than Christen were to answer the door.  

So she thought about who would be ringing that doorbell.  

And then it clicked.  

She opened the door to confirm the notion she had as to who and what was outside that door.  

She was right.  

And the sight actually warmed her heart and made her chest flutter. It brought ease to her mind that the person who sent this huge bouquet of flowers was thinking about her too.  

“Thanks.” Christen said to the pair of legs she could see underneath the flowers that was covering the delivery person’s whole upper body. But she furrowed her brow when she recognized the shoes.  She grabbed the flowers to confirm who she thought it was.  

“When did you get into town?? You deliver flowers too? What do you NOT do??” Christen asked before she put the flowers down and took Kelley in for a hug. She hugged her tight and she loved this surprise, which was funny because she hated surprises. Christen buried her face into Kelley’s chest.  

It was only when she pulled away that she stopped and saw Kelley’s face.  

“What’s wrong?”  

“Nothing.” Kelley said sadly. “Here’s the card.” 

Christen took the card from Kelley’s hand and she read it: 

 _Days like today are still about you. I haven’t forgotten_ _and I won’t forget._  

 _-T_  

It was the only thing that could ease some of the suffering from the great pain she carried with her all the time. She smiled at the words on the card, really glad that she hadn’t only been the one to remember the promise and tradition made between her and her ex wife when they were first dating. It brought about some form of closure that wouldn’t suffice healing everything, but it was a start.  

Then she looked up to see Kelley already walking back to her dad’s truck.  

“Hey.” She followed her. “Where are you going?” 

“That was my first and only delivery so I’m just gonna head back home.”  

Christen grabbed Kelley’s hand to stop her.  

“Spend the day with me. Are you working today? Didn’t you just get back? Cause that would be cruel to make you work on a day you had a flight.” 

“Yeah.” 

Christen wasn’t daft. Suffice it to say, she didn’t blame Kelley for feeling and acting this way she was.  

“Yeah you’re working?” 

Kelley shook her head as she stared down at her shoes, avoiding Christen’s eyes.  

“So you’re not working today?” She clarified.  

“I’m not.” Kelley said, still not looking up.  

“How’d you get roped into delivering Tobin’s flowers?” Christen asked gently. She squeezed Kelley’s hand that was in hers. Then she stepped in closer and cling onto Kelley’s midsection to get her too look at her.  

“I stopped by to pick some up on my way to you. But my boss convinced me to deliver this for three hours pay if I did it. And I agreed to it before I knew the address.”  

 _That must have been a painful task._  

Christen didn’t know if Tobin would have sent her these flowers like they promised they always would on Tobin’s gamedays, and she didn’t think about the shitty coincidences and the possibility of Kelley being the person to deliver them. She now realized that she probably should have since Kelley did everything that would require tips. Because Christen would have definitely tipped this flower girl.  

“Can I tell you what those flowers mean?” Christen asked softly.  

“It’s none of my business, I get that Chris.” Kelley responded bitterly when she stepped away from her to put some distance between them. Christen feared that Kelley was just going to leave and drive away, so she relaxed just a little when the woman just leaned back on her dads truck.  

“Can I tell you what those flowers mean?” She repeated when she cancelled out the distance Kelley made and went right back up to her.  

Kelley nodded, and Christen told her about the small amount of closure this gesture from her ex wife gave the both of them since it was the first time they’ve communicated to each other without fighting words.  

“It’s not a love letter professing her love to get me back. It’s a letter to remind me that she loved me and I can move on.” Christen said when she held onto both of Kelley’s hands. She explained that she had sent a bouquet of her own to be delivered to the hotel that the national team was staying at. It was a gesture to tell Tobin the same thing.  

“I’ve missed you. All week.” Christen admitted.  

“It didn’t seem like it.” Kelley said.  

Christen leaned into the woman to plant a kiss because she didn’t know how else to communicate that she did in fact really miss her. Seeing Kelley avoid her stare made Christen realize that she shouldn’t have hid how much she missed this woman in front of her this whole week.  

“I wanted you to have a good time. I wanted you to have a good trip. I-I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to be thinking about me because I know that you’re busy.” Christen explained.  

“I know that when you’re gone and out and away that you’re not thinking about this. Which is okay.” It was a total lie. It wasn’t okay. But that was what the deal was that she agreed to.  

Kelley still hadn’t said anything.  

“Can you hang out with me today?” Christen asked. She felt her heart race a little because she was aware that she might be met with rejection. Delivering flowers from Tobin Heath probably wasn’t what Kelley envisioned she would be doing.  

“I already told a friend of mine that I’d hang out with her today.” Kelley said, still looking anywhere but at Christen. 

Christen felt her hands go numb when she let go of Kelley’s hands.  

“A friend?” Christen felt her jaw clench. She knew that this friend was probably blonde and beautiful.  

“Yeah.” Kelley said quietly.  

Christen looked at this person who was so hurt by something that brought Christen so much happiness, so hurt that she was willing to hurt her back. The happiness from the gift Tobin gave her faded away. 

“Okay. Have fun.” And without skipping a beat she went back into her house and closed the front door gently. 

 

** 

 

“You didn’t have to come, Al. I know that you bought that dress to go out with Serv tonight.” Christen said.  

“Oh please. I bought it for me.” Alex said with a wave to her hand. She had shown up to Christens doorstep with all types of food that she said Christen should never eat. But when significant others where being assholes, well then it was an exception. Christen wanted to point out the Kelley wasn’t a significant other, but she digressed.  

“I was going to invite Rachel, but by the look of your face, good thing I didn’t.” Alex said with a chuckle. 

“Al. Let’s not perpetuate that rumor.” Christen said as she ate the fries alex brought.  

“But it’s going so well for Rachel though.” 

“Well good for her. But not for me.” Christen said sadly.  

“You don’t want the upper hand?” Alex asked when she turned on the tv in the Press living room and navigated through the channels like it was her own TV. 

She bought about Kelley’s face earlier that day and then Christen thought about Kelley spending the day with that blonde on her futon.  

“If this is what the upper hand feels like and looks like,” she pointed at all the junk food on both of their laps, “then probably not. It feels shitty, Al.” 

Alex nodded along while she surfed the channels.  

“When you got the flowers, and you realized it was Kelley…who did you think about more in your head?” Alex asked when she put the remote down and continued to stare at the TV. Christen knew it was because her best friend was trying to give her the privacy of thinking that question through.  

“Did you think about Tobin, or did you think about Kelley?”  

“Both.” Christen said. 

“No no no. You know what I’m asking.” Alex said when she took a bite out of her donut.  

She did know. And Christen automatically thought about something she had written in that notebook of hers that was running out of blank pages. She had written down this feeling, this realization in the last few days when Kelley was gone. She repeated what she wrote to her best friend.  

“Al, I can’t think about the past like I’m gonna recapture it. I have to think about the present and who’s in it.” 

“Who’s in it?” Alex asked, basically repeating her question.  

“Someone important from my past.” Christen chuckled. “And I didn’t even know it then.” 

“Do you know it now?” Alex inquired as she opened the bag of chips on Christen’s lap.  

Christen nodded. She knew it now.  

 

** 

 

It was probably one in the morning when the buzzing from Christen’s phone couldn’t be ignored anymore. Alex had stuffed it under the couch cushions without looking at the caller as she held onto Christen as ‘Insidious’ played on the TV and the rave-haired woman held onto Channing. Even though she had seen it before, it didn’t mean that she was getting better at not being scared.  

The younger sister paused the movie when Alex groaned and then fished out Christen’s phone. Her eyebrows raised when she looked at it and then handed it to her best friend. 

O’Hara (12) missed calls 

“Well fuck.” Alex commented.  

“She was at the bar at like ten. She didn’t say anything about you.” Channing said with a shrug. They still hadn’t told Kelley that Channing knew.  

“Are you gonna call back?” Alex asked.  

“No. I’ll finish the movie.” Christen said slowly. She was conflicted.  

“Chris. She might be in trouble.” Channing said. “I’ve never known Kevin to call a girl THAT many times.  

Christen nodded.  

“I’ll be right back guys.” She said when she stepped outside so that she could get some privacy. It rang twice before she saw that Kelley was actually standing 20 feet away from her, right in front of her house.  

“HI!” Kelley yelled.  

Christen slowly hung up the phone.  

“I’ve been calling and calling.” Kelley said. Christen could tell from the sound of her words that she was drunk. Really drunk. And Kelley was leaning on the outside of her dads truck. So she had driven here.  

“Why are you here?” Christen asked sadly when she quickly closed the distance because it looked like Kelley was gonna fall from her inability to keep her balance. 

"Guess what I did?!" Kelley yelled happily again. Her words were slurred. 

"What?" Christen asked when she stood Kelley upright by the side of her arms. She felt even sadder when she felt Kelley pull her in closer by the tug of her shirt because she felt guilty that she had caused this pitiful state. 

"I just spent like," Kelley drunkenly counted with her fingers, "five hours drinking with my friend." 

"That's nice." Christen said gently. It wasn't, but neither was the sight of Kelley now. 

"Her and I watched your ex," Kelley swayed again, but Christen was there to hold her upright. "Did you know that Tobin had like four million assists tonight? Did you watch it? I watched it at the bar. S' great game. Great game." 

"I didn't catch it." Christen said. 

"Why not? You love her right?" Kelley slurred.  

"Kell, you're drunk. And you drove over here." Christen said sadly. 

"Are you mad at me?" Kelley's sadness was ten-fold because of the alcohol.  

"No." Christen sighed. She didn't know that she was going to find Kelley like this.  

"Cuz-Cuz I really –Christen I lo-I really like you." Kelley said. It was getting to be too much trying to hold Kelley up so the raven-haired woman opened the driver's side door and guided Kelley into sitting sideways on the seat. But Kelley was strong enough to pull her close to her, too. 

"I like, I like really like you." Kelley said as she held Christen closer and Christen was at a loss at how to deal with this. 

"I like you too." Christen decided to say. She didn't know what the best thing was to do right now. 

"But you don't like me as much as Tobin right?" Kelley said with a pout. Her eyes were starting to lazily roll. 

"Kelley, stop." Christen ordered sadly. 

"I know. I know. You love Tobin. Who doesn't love Tobin?" Kelley said with a defeated shrug. Her words were just killing Christen more and more. 

"She bought the flowers that I could never afford, ya know." Kelley slurred. "Oh well...I couldn't have you back then, I can't have you now." 

Christen felt a pain in her chest because she knew that this was Kelley unfiltered. 

"I-I I'll get better at not asking you if you're sleeping with someone else." Kelley said sadly. "I know you –I know you don't like it when I act like I like you." 

"Why are you saying that?"  

"Because I like you." 

Christen helped Kelley up because she was going to have to sleep here tonight. She threw Kelley's arm around her shoulder so that she could lean onto her while they walked to her house. 

"And I think that the more I tell you the less you like me." Those words made Christen stop in her tracks to compose herself. 

Both Alex and Channing helped her lay Kelley down gently on her bed. Channing seemed surprised at this reaction, saying that she's never seen Kelley this drunk, or have this reaction about a girl. Alex offered to stay but Christen just gently said she would be fine and she would call her in the morning. 

"Tell me if you need anything." Channing said before she closed the front door to her own bedroom. It was obvious that her older sister was going to have to deal with drunken Kelley alone. Christen nodded in thanks, regardless. 

Kelley just had her head on Christen's pillow while she lazily watched Christen take off her shoes and put them down next to her shoes in the closet. She attempted to take off the jacket that Kelley was wearing, but it was unsuccessful because with how drunk Kelley was, she was still very good at pulling Christen closer to her so that she could kiss her. 

And it was the first time they had kissed in a week so Christen couldn't help but give into it. Drunk Kelley was still very good at making her want to grab bunches of Kelley's shirt to bring her in closer for this type of thing that Christen usually thought about every night when she thought about Kelley. 

This woman was obviously sad. And obviously affected by Christen and maybe she shouldn't have taken this as a sign that Kelley really did have more feelings for her than any other woman she was sleeping with, but she did. And Christen wanted to soothe some of that sadness. 

But it wasn't until she felt Kelley trying to lift her shirt that she started to think like the sober one. She stopped it. 

"Why not?" Kelley asked sadly.  

"Because you're drunk." Christen said softly. 

"I'm not that drunk." Kelley pleaded with an obvious slur that provided evidence that she was lying. It was evidence that Christen didn't even need because of this woman's behavior five minutes ago. 

"Kelley I don't want to do this now." Christen said. 

"But this is all I'm good for to you." Kelley pleaded. 

Christen climbed off of Kelley. This was what she was truly making Kelley feel. And she was starting to notice a trend in her life and the people she loved. Christen Press was really good at making people feel like she truly didn't care about them. She did this to Alex, to Tobin, and now she was doing it to Kelley. She managed to salvage her relationship with Alex, but it was only possible because she wasn't able to save her marriage with Tobin.  

She didn't want to keep doing that. Because if she did, she probably would have fallen even deeper in her pit of rock bottom, and she didn't want to think about what that looked like if it was worse than landing herself unemployed and back home. 

"Kelley, I like you." Christen whispered. Kelley sat back up rather quickly. 

"I missed you. All week. Every day." She admitted painfully. She has never ever done this before. "You're like...all I thought about." 

Kelley looked like she was waiting for Christen to say a 'but..' 

"I'm jealous." That was the hardest thing for her to say, probably ever in her life. 

"I don't want you to keep sleeping with that other girl." She knew that she would have to open up more than she was comfortable with. Even if that meant that she was going to go back on her promise, her façade, that she wouldn't care who Kelley was sleeping with. 

"Then I won't." Kelley said.  

"I'm not getting back together with Tobin, Kelley." Christen said passionately. 

"We ended and we ended for a reason. But I'm not going to apologize for having love and a past with my ex-wife. That's not something I owe you." She explained. 

"But I think I do owe you in telling you how I feel about you. And I have a lot of feelings about you, and for you." Christen said softly. 

Kelley seemed to be sobering up, because the expression on her face was attentive. 

"I don't know how I missed this. How I could have been so out of touch to have not noticed this when I was a kid." Christen said as she touched Kelley's cheek. 

"And if there's anything I've learned in these past 30 years, it's that regret is the shittiest feeling ever. And I don't want to regret letting this go so easily. I still can't promise you a future, and I know that you can't promise me the same thing too. But I haven't bought a plane ticket to somewhere else because I want to know if after all these years, there was something that I  _really_ should have had. And I need to know if this is my second chance to have it." 

Kelley was drunk, but having her hold her body felt good. Very good. It was reawakening.  

So, she did what she said she didn't want to do, and let Kelley take off her shirt. She was not in her sober state, but she let it slide when Kelley said into her neck that she loved her, because Christen knew that even if it was just a side effect on the alcohol, it was true back in the day. 

And the reason she was still here, making love to an old high school acquaintance in her bed that she slept in as a kid, was to find out if was in fact true, today. 

 

 


	5. Just Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Decisions are deliberated

** 

 

"Fucking KILL ME!" 

Christen sat on her bed next to a very irritable and very hung-over Kelley. She rubbed her belly to soothe the aches and shakes of this woman who obviously never drinks the amount that she did the night before. Kelley had her forearm over her eyes to shield the sunlight that managed to creep into the room despite the closed blinds. 

"Baby what happened last night?" Kelley asked sadly. 

Christen felt herself pause a little at this other term of endearment that Kelley was smoothly progressing and transitioning into using. She didn't comment on it, but she did plant a kiss on Kelley's forehead before she gave her a dose of reality. 

"You were a fucking idiot." She said softly. 

"What did I do?" Kelley asked with dread filling her face. 

"You drove your dad's truck here after you got plastered." Christen said, pursing her lips so that she could contain the lecture she was wanting to give because according to Channing this wasn't usual behavior of Kelley's. And by the sight of her face, it didn't seem like the freckled woman needed a lecture. 

"I'm sorry." Kelley said before she grabbed Christen's hand that was on her stomach and started nervously playing with her fingers. Christen watched her as she waited for Kelley to work through whatever it was in her head and say what she wanted to say. With her other hand she swept some loose strands off of the freckles on Kelley's forehead and brushed them back. 

"Did I say something stupid?" Kelley asked with her eyes set of their hands. 

"You told me how you felt about Tobin's flowers." Christen nodded, "and how you think I feel about you." 

"What did I say?" Kelley asked when she let go of Christen's hand and put them over her eyes so that Christen wouldn't be able to see her eyes.  

"Can I just tell you what I said?" Christen whispered before she gently untangled Kelley's hands and removed them from her face. Kelley sighed, and then after a long pause of silence, she nodded. 

She repeated her words from last night. It was a little bit easier to tell sober Kelley that she was jealous of the women she was sleeping with, but it still took awhile for it all to come out. She told her that there was still the uncertainty of the future but the desire to seriously find out how she feels about the two of them.

"I hung out with those girls because I thought you wanted me to." Kelley said. 

Christen looked at her with narrowed, yet soft eyes.  "Kell, I know that you've slept with a lot of people. You don't have to hide that fact about yourself. And even if you wanted to, it's impossible here." 

Kelley pulled her in closer, but she didn't say anything. Christen didn't know if she was going to repeat the same promise she made last night, to be exclusive, but she didn't ask for her to. 

"I also told you that you can't expect me to apologize for having love for my ex." Christen knew that this part of the conversation would be a little bit harder to deal for the woman underneath her. She explained the meaning behind the flowers and the past with Tobin she was always going to carry with her, whether Kelley be in her life or not. It wasn't going to be at forefront of her mind, or her love life, but it would always be a part of her. 

"Tobin will always have a piece of my heart." Christen said as she squeezed Kelley's hand. "But with how much of it I have left, there's still someone out there who can have even more of it." 

Christen opted to not tell Kelley the L word bomb she had dropped when Kelley had her mouth on Christen's neck and two fingers inside of her. That was something that neither of them were equipped to deal with now. But Christen felt like maybe that was what Kelley was thinking about when she spoke of a love that Christen could still have in this life. 

"I GOT CANDY BITCHES!" They heard a voice yell off in the distance and then the sound of the front door closing. 

"Oh, and Alex is bringing some stuff for you to eat." Christen said with a small smile. 

"You look like shit, drunkie!" Alex intentionally yelled loudly to get Kelley to cover her ears. 

Alex dumped a bunch of Gatorade chews, protein bars, and 5 hour energy shots that looked like they were plucked from the food bar at her gym, onto Kelley's lap when she sat up. 

"I told you to get like soup or something." Christen threw out as she rummaged through all of this food that actually wasn't healthy at all. "Something that will be easier to consume or I can make for her." 

"Oh she's not staying in bed." Alex said with a furrowed brow. 

"What? Yes she is. Yes you are." Christen said when she turned to look at Kelley. 

"I agree with Alex, babe." Kelley said as she rubbed her eyes and her temples before she got up to pee. 

"Oh and I got you a toothbrush! Because gross." Alex said when she fished it out from the plastic bag that was containing all of Alex's goodies. Kelley swiped it before she wobbled her way to the bathroom. 

"Alex, she's like useless! She can't go to work today!" Christen said. 

"Uh, yeah she is. And that's not up to you." Alex said with a fake smile. "Trust me, she's going to say the same thing." 

"I am." Kelley said as she miserably brushed her teeth in the doorway. 

"Babe. Why?" Christen inquired. 

"Babe?? Are we calling each other 'babe' now??" Alex wiggled her eyebrows. "Is this a thang now???" 

They both rolled their eyes at the brunette. 

"Chris I have to work today." Kelley said after she spit out the toothpaste in her mouth. "If I don't, I won't be able to make rent or whatever it is that I have to pay for...Plus it's the last week or so that I'm going to be at these jobs until my big break." 

"Oh yeah, speaking of, are you gonna tell what's her name that Chris and I get free coffee in the morning?" Alex asked. 

"No. Because that was always done under the table." Kelley said with a smirk. 

Christen frowned. She waited until Alex went to go find some free food in the kitchen for her to halt Kelley in her routine of getting ready. Christen just now realized that Kelley has a few clothes here in Christen's drawers. She thought about how that had ended up happening without her knowledge.

"Hey." 

She grabbed Kelley's hand. 

"You don't have to work today. If you feel like shit I can take care of you, it's not like I'm doing anything else..." Christen said with a shrug. 

"I appreciate it." Kelley said sweetly before she gave Christen a lingering kiss. "But the bills aren't going to pay themselves." 

"Okay." Christen said, a little deflated. She spent maybe five minutes after she had woken up trying to prepare for a day that she would be able to sober have a heart to heart with Kelley, but maybe that wasn't going to happen. She watched as Kelley rushed through brushing her hair and putting on some of Christen's perfume before she went to find her shoes that Christen had put in her closet. Kelley downed a few shots of the 5 hour energy drinks as well to wake her up. 

"What are you doing today?" Christen asked. 

"Well first, delivery and then Indy. And then I have to go to the bar. And I'm already late..." Kelley said as she searched for her other sock. Christen remembered who else worked at the bar. Even though they hashed out a summary of their conversation last night, sober Kelley still hadn't really confirmed that she was going to be exclusive with Christen. It was the hardest thing to ask of Kelley last night, and now she was realizing that it was going to be even harder to ask it of sober Kelley. 

"Okay babe, I gotta go- my dad truck is here. Well I guess that worked out..." Kelley said with a shake to her head. 

"Okay, bye." Kelley said before she gave her another kiss, yelled a bye to Alex and then peeled right out of there. 

"Okay so tell me everything that happened last night." Alex said when the tires of Kelley's truck squealed as they turned the corner. 

 

** 

 

Kelley's commitment to work sort of made Christen feel a little useless. Well, most days she pretty much did, but she was just getting into the mode where she was starting to relax and chill for the rest of the day. When she had first arrived here she said that she was going to give herself six months to relax and then find a job, and her mind was resting and the guilt of not working was starting to abate. But seeing Kelley power through a hangover made her feel like she ought to do something.  

That something ended up being writing. She didn't want to run by herself and she didn't want to look at the amount of emails that were unread. One day she had just sent her resume out with a blast and had even updated her LinkedIn. She knew that she wasn't going to be able to reference her last and only professional job, but there were a lot of contacts she had made over the years. Someone was bound to pick her up. And the jobs here were practically begging her mom to convince Christen to work there. 

But that was all things that she didn't want to deal with. So she wrote for a couple of hours, surfed the internet, and then when she got hungry, she got an idea. She thought it was pretty genius. 

"Why are you so adorable?" Kelley chuckled when Christen opened her door for the food she had delivered. 

She just stood there and looked at the same woman who had dropped some food off at her house a few months ago, turning her world upside down.  

"I'm guessing this isn't your last delivery?" Christen asked with a small pout. 

"It is." Kelley said with a smile. "I made sure to deliver yours last because I know what you're doing." 

Just like months ago, she handed Christen the food. Unlike months ago, she gave Christen a long kiss and warned her that she could only stay for 30 minutes before she were to go to the coffee shop. 

"Do you want to eat?" Christen asked when she started taking out the crazy amount of fries that she ordered. 

"Yes." Kelley said as she held her from behind. 

"But not the fries." 

 

** 

 

"You need to go stand over by the bar." Christen hushed at her. 

"Okay, but just one more kiss." Kelley stated before she got that just yet and then went to her usual spot to take orders for coffees. Christen was sitting at her usual table with Alex with just her and her notebook while she sipped on some coffee that cost $2.40 so that she can indirectly spend time with Kelley. 

For Christen, last night had shifted things for her. She finally admitted it to herself that maybe this was something that she could outwardly put her heart into. She had only done that with one other woman before this. Her attention to Kelley since she moved back here was instant, and it took here just a small amount of time to realize that the attention she had was attraction. And quickly, she realized that the attraction was actual liking with feelings and all of that.  

Last night, she finally admitted that she would like for this to be exclusive. Seeing Kelley so torn up and have such a sad reaction to the flowers that she had received made her sit back and think about the fact that Kelley may just want the same thing. 

"Well, duh you fucking idiot." Alex said when she had filled her in about last night, this morning. 

"Be nice." Christen warned. "I just need a little bit more time to come to terms with things." 

"Whatever." Alex had responded. 

Christen wanted to have a moment today with Kelley to confirm that exclusivity was definitely on the table. Because drunken Kelley was all for it when she whispered that there was no one else into her when they were rolling around in her bed, but Kelley didn't know anything about last night's events. So now, the unease that last night's actions had settled, was probably actually not settled. 

Kelley spent all the moments when the shop was dead across the table from Christen while she scrolled through on her phone while Christen continued to write. 

"Are you ever going to let me read what it is that you write?"  

Christen looked up to see Kelley watching her. She didn't know for how long. 

"Absolutely not." 

Kelley smirked. "You know some of last night is coming back to me." 

"Oh yeah?" Christen asked when she looked back down to write another thought in her head. 

"Yeah. You remember how you never knew anything really about me back in high school?" 

Christen nodded. 

"I want you to know me." Kelley said softly. 

"Please let me in so that I can know who you are now." Kelley begged softly. She had her head rested back onto the glass of the shop and she was asking Christen to do a very difficult thing. 

"Maybe not all at once. But if you really want a second chance at this, then let me in. Please." Kelley said. 

Christen sighed. 

"I will let you read something of mine...one day? Not today?" Christen asked gently. 

Kelley nodded. She would take that. She leaned over the table to give Christen a kiss, one that had to be interrupted by her boss who thought that Kelley wasn't spending enough time doing her job. And since it was the tail end of her employment of here for the season, she should probably get back to work. 

Christen got the hint. She kissed the pout on Kelley's face away before she headed back home. 

 

** 

 

O'Hara: Can you meet me at the tower? 30 min probs 

Christen: wanna practice CPR on me? Sure  

Christen hadn’t been to the beach at night with Kelley. The lifeguard tower served as a meeting spot of theirs usually because the places Kelley worked at were close to the beach, but they never rendezvoused here late at night where there was no one.  

She saw through the window that the light was on even though Kelley hadn’t worked here today. She kicked off her shoes and crossed the big space of sand to go towards the light. When she was walking up the ramp, Kelley had come out and sat where they usually sat so that their legs were hanging off the deck of it.  

“How was bartending?” Christen felt her voice squeeze tight in an attempt to hide the bitterness of who Kelley’s coworker was.  

“I made a lot of tips.” Kelley said with a smirk.  

“Well what’s up? Why did you want to meet me here?” Christen asked. She sat down next to the woman.  

“I didn’t want to sneak over to your house and have this conversation in case it doesn’t go the way I planned.” The freckled woman said. She rubbed her hands together.  

Christen just gulped. She tried to prepare herself for whatever. It could be simple like ‘hey I want to keep seeing other people’ or it may be something disappointing like ‘hey I don’t want to do this with someone who makes me feel like shit enough to get plastered’. She didn’t know which one it would be so she didn’t move.  

“I…remember all of last night. Came back to me in chunks.” Kelley said.  

“Okay.” Christen licked her lips.  

“And I think that I need to explain myself a little.” Kelley said with a hesitant expression. “I’m not- I was really drunk.” 

Christen felt the air leave her body. But she stayed upright.  

“I don’t ever do that anymore.  Like really ever. So that’s not me. And I promise that it’s not going to happen again.” Kelley said with a nod.  

“It’s not an excuse, I- that was me that did all of that last night and showed up at your house. And drove like that.” Kelley said with a shake of her head. “You would think that me as a bartender- the one that attempted to swoon you by driving your drunk self home- that I would know better. And I do.” 

Christen nodded. She was waiting for the reason they were here.  

“But even though I was drunk, Chris I…meant all of it. I really do. I stand by what I said.” Kelley said as she grabbed Christen’s hand.  

“I don’t want to be with other people. It’s fucking shitty thinking about you with someone else. I don’t – it doesn’t feel good.” Kelley said with a shake of her head.  

Christen held her breath. She wanted to bring up the occasions she knew for a fact that Kelley was with someone else but she didn’t. It was an old remnant of the jealousy that Tobin’s actions had bred and she wanted to tame it here and now. She wanted to think about the here and now. 

“And. More importantly. I do- I want to ride this wave with you. I wanna go with the flow, but you have to know…” Kelley shook her head. 

 “You have to know that I’m not doing it with the intention of getting off to find another one. I get the no guarantees part, I do. I know that you're not promising all of my future. But...I have every intention of proving to you that I loved you first and I want you to be my last. This second chance isn’t something that I’m going to let go of easily either. I spent half my life not getting over the maybe.” 

Christen rubbed her chest over her shirt so that she could contain the pangs all throughout her body. It didn’t know what was making her feel so flustered and so pained and so happy all at the same time. So her body just fired everywhere. 

“I get that you just went through a divorce. I...I can't even imagine having to build yourself up again after that. And I get that you need time. And I need time. I…have a lot of decisions to make within the coming months, so I'm not trying to put the pressure on too much right now. I just...I want you to know that you don't have to call me your girlfriend for you to make me fall for you. I don't need you to have an official relationship with me for me to stare at your texts all day." Kelley pushed. 

"I'm not thinking about anyone else." Kelley said with a pained expression. Like she was sad that she made Christen feel like she was. 

"And if you need me to stop talking because I'm fucking it all up, I'll stop." Kelley said with a wry grin. Christen chuckled. 

"Sometimes I really don't know if you want me to tell you things or you want me to shut up."  

Christen sighed. She knew that their relationship (?) was something that was sort of like a maze for Kelley. Christen's mind was a maze for herself. 

"I'm trying to be better." Christen said with a nod. "I think that I've opened up to you more than I ever did with Tobin in the last half of our relationship. It's just something that I'm pretty shitty about. Especially after I found out she was seeing someone else." 

"Like I said, she's an idiot." Kelley said softly. 

"I don't know..." Christen said with a shrug. She let the sound of the night waves crashing surround them. "I think that I've learned that it was the both of us. I didn't let her in for a long time. And I don't want to keep doing that, I don't. But I need to learn. And I need time for that, too." 

Kelley nodded. 

“Do you remember what I said?” Christen asked  

She nodded again.  

"I've written a lot about you." Christen said quietly. She didn't look at Kelley but she looked down at their hands and then she rearranged herself so that she sat snuggled up to this woman who was making her feel whole again. 

"I don't know the timeline of when I would let you read it, but I will try. That's what I can promise. That I will try." Christen said into Kelley's chest. 

 

** 

 

Kelley knew the drill. She was usually out of the Press house by 5:30 AM and it was out through the window of Christen's bedroom that led to the backyard. She would slip out of it through the gate and then walk the .2 miles to Indy if she was working that shift, or head to her dad's so that she could pick up the truck.  

But today wasn’t going as planned. It was 5:28 and she still couldn't find the keys she had to open the shop. Usually she let Christen sleep, but she was cutting it close and she had a suspicion that the keys had fallen through the crook where the bed met the wall and Christen needed to move in order for Kelley to get them. 

"Why???" Christen whined. 

"I know babe, I know." Kelley shushed her when she planted a kiss on Christen's cheek and then rolled her body to the other side of the bed. She heard the jingle of the keys when she reached below. 

"Okay, I'm going to go." Kelley whispered while she hovered above Christen. 

"No." Christen pouted like a child. 

"Baby. I'm going to be late." Kelley warned. 

"I don't want you to go." Christen said as she pulled Kelley in for a kiss. 

"I'll make it up to you. I gotta go." Kelley said when she warned Christen to not get pissy like she usually did when Kelley left in the morning. It usually didn't work because it was the morning and that meant that she was about to go workout with Alex pretty soon. She gave Christen one last kiss before she opened the window, looked back one more time to see Christen already back asleep, and then slipped out. 

"Well this is interesting." Kelley stopped in her tracks to see Cody Press looking at her with a mug close to his lips. 

"Uh...." 

"I don't remember there being something broken in Christen's room that we needed repair for..." The man said. His expression was unreadable. 

"Um..." 

"That is of course, other than Christen herself." Her dad said with a nod to his head. He took a sip of his coffee. 

"You better not be slipping out of her window without saying goodbye." The man said with narrowed eyes. 

"No. No, sir." She said adamantly. 

"Do you plan on doing this again?" He asked. Kelley didn't know how she was supposed to answer that question. 

"Am I going to see you again tomorrow morning or was this the one and only night? Cuz I know you Kelley. I just want you to be honest with me." 

"You're going to see me tomorrow morning. And the morning after that, and after that." Kelley said with a little more confidence. "As long as she wants me to stay for." 

"How long has this been going on?" 

She hesitated for a second before she admitted that it was since the first week of Christen’s stay.  

"Okay." He said. He took three sips of his coffee very slowly before he went back into his house without saying another word. 

 

** 

 

"Mom, I can do my own laundry." Christen said with an eye roll. 

"Then do it." She called back.  

“I swear I feel like I have two little children again. Get it done. Today!” Christen heard her mom yell out from the kitchen when she had gotten back from her run and her coffee. Kelley had been a little more fidgety than her normal restless self.  

She felt like a defiant teen when she grabbed all of her clothes and threw them into the hallway so that she could start a pile. She had to admit though, the pile was getting pretty big. She hasn’t even unpacked the 5 large suitcases of clothes she had still, but she was sure that she had a closet full of dirty clothes. Saturday was usually some kind of cleaning day if there was nothing else planned in the Press household and she felt like a little kid again when she was silently expected to partake.  

“What is this?” Christen turned around to see her mom holding onto a cardinal red  Stanford shirt and some jeans that Stacy Press knew her daughter would never wear. Then she picked an Under Armour shirt that Kelley always wore. She probably wore it three days out of the week.  

“Um…” 

“Are these yours?” Her mom asked.  

“Uh…” 

“Why are Kelley’s clothes in your dirty laundry pile?”  

“I don’t know.” She couldn’t really come up with another excuse or anything to say. Plus, she was 30 years old. She wasn’t supposed to be feeling guilty. She didn’t put much thought into it.  

“What is going on…?” Her mom asked with narrowed eyes.  

Christen sighed. She told her mom everything. Well not every little detail, but she did tell her that she was ‘seeing’ Kelley.  

“Does Channing know? 

She nodded her head. Then her mom walked away. It was a sign that she had something to say, and she was going to drag it for a long time with passive aggression like only Stacy Press could.  

“No mom. Just tell me what you want to say.” Christen said with a sigh when she followed her out to the living room.  

“You just got divorced. You’re not in a state to be sleeping around. And not with someone like Kelley. I love her she’s like my other daughter, but she’s not going to stay for you for long, baby. That’s not what she does.  And what you need right now is stability. And you can get that with a job, a routine, not…I love Kelley. I do. But not for my daughter.” Her mom said.  

“You’re not here for romance. You’re here to get your head straight. This is temporary.” Her mom said as she pointed at the space around them to indicate this home.  

“You need to find a job.” Her mom pressed.  

“I know mom…” her middle child said sadly.  

“Baby I get it. Kelley is charming. She’s a nice distraction. But you can’t be distracted for too long. You can’t be living in your bedroom for much longer. Your father and I have to know that you’re in the same page-“ 

“Mom! I get it!” Christen yelled.  

She actually yelled. That was a usually no go with her parents.  

“I get it okay?! I’m useless! I’m worthless, I’m lazy! I get it!” 

“Then do something about it!” Her mom yelled back. Probably even louder.  

“You have yet to go to one interview here.” Her mom said, her voice dialing back down. “What are you doing for yourself to get back on track?” 

“There are contacts in California.” Christen said bitterly. She hated this conversation, especially with her mom. “I’ve been getting messages from some people in industry. Said they heard what happened and that they’d like to put me onboard.” 

“Really? Even after what they heard.” Her mom was flabbergasted. 

“Something about tenacity. Or right time to take an industry job that isn’t as demanding as what I was doing.” Christen replied with a shrug.  

“So what are you going to do about it?” Her mom asked. “Because you can play the high school romance out for the year that we said we’d help you, but you know that there’s an end to your stay here at the house.” Her mom said with tough love.  

"I'll schedule an interview." Christen said with a sigh. 

"Here and California." Her mom pushed. 

"Fine. Here and California." She resigned. 

“I’m going to do my laundry.” Christen said when she walked back to her pile. “And then I’ll figure my life out, mom!” 

 

** 

 

In order to keep herself busy when her laundry was currently being washed, she started to clear up her old bedroom. She put Kelley’s shoes at the end so that they were easy to pick up. She cleared out the top drawer to put Kelley’s clothes in it, which had old photos of Christen’s in them. They were from high school, of which some had Kelley in the background.  

 _I really didn’t know._  

Christen started rearranging her closet so that maybe Kelley would have some room. Most of her wardrobe consisted of t-shirts and jeans, but if she wanted to hang anything, she made some room for her. She thought that she was doing it in defiance of her mom, but maybe it was also so that she could share just a little bit of her space with the woman.  

At the top of the closet, she spotted a memory box of hers. Christen brought it down and opened it to find things of her past. There were birthday cards and pictures. Some old movie tickets and even tickets to some high school football games. She even fished out a bracelet from her first boyfriend freshman year.  

Then she found the letter. She had cried and cried over this letter and the embarrassment it brought upon her. Christen didn’t know why she had saved this, but as a 30 year old, she was thanking her high schooler self. She gave adult Christen to hold onto.  

She opened and read it, this time, with happiness. The writing was ‘unisex’ and a little messy. Christen thought that if adult Kelley had a diary then she shouldn’t worry about anyone being able to read it.  

It was written in blue ink and it started off with ‘Dear Christen’ and it was nothing short of adorable. Now that she knew it was from Kelley, it was not as cringe worthy as she found it in college when she thought it was Josh.  

Kelley wrote about her ‘beautiful hair’ and her ‘mesmerizing eyes’ and the way Christen made her feel like every time they locked eyes. She wrote about how she’s never had the courage to tell her and that she hopes she likes the letter.  

 _Now that I think about it, Josh never looked at me._  

Kelley wrote about not being able to think about anyone else and that Christen was an amazing person for running for class president and it inspired her. Kelley wrote about Christen’s mystery and the way she looked so cute when she had her nose in a book. It was actually very eloquent.  

 _Okay high school Christen, there’s no way a dude wrote this._  

Then Christen read the last line: 

 _I think I’m in love with you Christen Press. If you want to be my girlfriend meet me at the soccer fields tomorrow after school._  

 _Josh didn’t play soccer. That should have been the first sign, high school Christen…_  

She read and read it several times because this was a memento, or even an artifact of Kelley’s pureness that was pre-Kristie. Christen tried to imagine high school Kelley writing this and tearing it out of a notebook. She wanted to know how long it took Kelley to write this.  

Kelley, older Kelley, was just so comfortable with being honest. Well if she wasn’t comfortable with it, she sure did it a lot. This letter was vulnerable. It was indicative of the adult Kelley would eventually choose to be.  

Christen remembered how Kelley’s stares would linger back in the day, but she also remembered that Kelley as a sophomore and beyond, never said a word to her. Christen could see how that would be a big regret for someone if they did in fact feel all that was felt in this letter.  

I’m hindsight, she could understand how Kelley knew Christen. They did interact before high school. They weren’t grade school best friends but her early memories of the woman were that she was always the only girl who played soccer with the boys at recess, and she was always in a hoodie. Christen remembered that in middle school, Kelley was the only other one that read as much as Christen.  

 _Well she went to Stanford._  

In high school, well Christen and Alex always went to Indy and there was one summer that Kelley worked there so it was possible for her to know Christen’s drink. But she didn’t remember ordering from her. Christen ended up going with prom with a boy, one that Kelley hated and she knew that because they got into a screaming match on the big day. But high school Christen thought it was because Kelley and Kristie had gotten drunk before they showed up and Christen’s date was just an asshole to begin with. 

 _Maybe Kelley’s hate for him had something to do with me…?_  

Now, Christen could recall how much she remembered seeing Kristie and Kelley holding hands back when they were seniors. They were always handing hands. And if Christen thought about it, she remembered that Kristie seemed happy. She would smile at Kelley a lot and it would make Christen feel weird because 1. Kristie Mewis doesn’t smile and 2. Two girls being together seemed oddly intriguing to high school Christen. She found it strange that Kristie acknowledged it before she did, yet she was the one living in shame as an adult.  

She was surprised to see how much retroactive analysis and knowledge gathered this letter had spurred. Christen tried to remember what high school Kelley looked like and she could imagine that if high school Christen had come to terms with herself much quicker, that she would be attracted to her like she was to adult Kelley now.  

Christen: what did you dress like In high school? 

It was an hour before she finally got a reply because she knew she was working. Christen could appreciate how much of an effort Kelley did put into making time to talk to her.  

O’Hara: I haven’t changed.  

O’Hara: I still wear the same shit. U on the other hand… 

Christen: what about me? 

O’Hara: u were hot back then, but ur fckn sexy now  

Christen blushed.  

Christen: stopp 

O’Hara: that day I walked u home. That purple dress. Didn’t want to think about someone else taking u home when u were in that. Y I took u home  

Christen: who are you taking home tonight? 

She didn’t wait for the response because she had the urge to just go and see her. Because that was the benefit of this small town, that she could see Kelley whenever she wanted and no matter where she was, it was max a ten minute drive.  

That conversation that they had last night and the letter that she had read over and over again for a good ten minutes was making this pit of desire in Christen stronger. It was burning now, and it was like it was allowed to burn. Christen could lose control for just a little bit. She gave into her need to see Kelley. 

Christen slipped into something that was very similar to the purple dress that Kelley had referenced. 

Christen: get your ass to my house in something to wear at a bar 

Alex: I’m working 

Christen: I need your help to get laid 

Alex: 30 min. 

"Since when do you need my help to get laid with Kelley?" Alex asked when she opened the door to her bedroom. 

"I just don't want to show up at her bar just by myself. I need you. And I need you to act like it was your idea to go to the bar on a week night." Christen said with a shrug. 

"You know you can just act like you want to see her. I think she'd like that." Alex suggested. 

"Fine, if I tell her that, then invite Serv." Christen challenged. And she learned that the only way she could get Alex to do something she wanted was to challenge her. So that's how she ended up meeting this guy that had an obvious effect on her best friend in the booth of a fairly empty bar. There were just a few guys right up at the bar who looked lonely as can be, in addition to the three. 

"Invite Allie and Rach." Alex ordered.  

"Are Rachel and Kristie a thing again?" Christen asked. 

"Who knows? Maybe?" Alex responded. 

"You talking about those two blondes?" Servando asked. They both nodded. Then he told them that he saw Rachel around the school yesterday, so probably yep. 

"Well we you invite them and I'm gonna go look for Kell." Christen said before she got up to go to the bathroom so that she could have an excuse to cross the bar for the sight of the other bartender that she was looking for. But no sight of her. There was just the old fat guy that Christen realized as the guy that usually worked alongside Kelley. 

"I saw her dad's truck in the back." Alex shrugged. 

Christen didn't want to scour the land for Kelley, but what else was she really here for? It wasn't for the amazing drinks. She grabbed her keys and reasoned that she would get Servando's jacket in her car for Alex. Maybe she would be able to catch sight of Kelley if she were in the back throwing trash or on the phone or anything. 

And she did catch sight of her. And she kind of wished she hadn't.  

Being totally aware of how much of a creeper she was, Christen got into her car and did a weird loop around the shopping center, a little far from the back of the bar so that she was by another building, but just close enough and at a good angle that she could see the alley. 

She didn't plan on being in her car for long, but when she saw Kelley with her back on the brick wall holding hands with that blonde that Christen dreaded in her dreams and dreaded the sight of her now, Christen put her car in park. She was close enough that she could see Kelley's general expression. 

 _You're not together. She's allowed to do this._  

But she thought about Kelley's very own words from the night before. 

She bit her nails as she watched Kelley laugh at something the blonde said and then twirled her like they were dancing. Since Christen knew Kelley's mannerisms and her general body language, she could see by the way Kelley was talking to her that she was saying something very quietly and very attentively to the blonde. She had to admit that it hurt.  

She saw Kelley lean down and kiss the blonde. That really hurt. 

It was a long and slow one, but they separated and then the woman let go of Kelley's hand and then went back inside through the back door. Kelley just stood there for a long time.  

Christen had experienced this kind of moment before. When she had found out about Tobin straying, she had adopted her detective ways and found out who Tobin was seeing and what they were doing. The first time Christen saw for herself that Tobin was looking at another woman the way she used to look at Christen ripped her apart. She remembered that the first time she saw Tobin with that woman, that she didn't even witness a kiss, a hug, or a hand hold. She just saw the way Tobin looked at another woman. And it confirmed it all. 

But something about this time, this private moment she was peeping in on, was different.

She watched Kelley take out her phone and then two seconds later she felt her phone buzz. 

O'Hara: Come here 

She sighed. Christen put her car in park and the drove up to the alley that Kelley was in. She tried hard to temper the 'I got caught red-handed' smile that was on her lips. Christen rolled down her window when she pulled up next to her. 

"No one in town has this nice of a car except you." Kelley said with a smirk. 

Christen just nodded, not able to speak because she wanted to giggle her guilt away. 

"I told her that I can't be with her anymore." Kelley said softly. 

Christen looked down at her hands. She knew that the sight of Kelley with this woman felt a lot different than her experience with Tobin. The circumstances were also the opposite. But she had to admit that it still hurt just as bad. And maybe it hurt because Christen was a little more broken this time around. But she knew that they weren't together officially and even thought it came with the understanding of exclusivity, she still didn't want to fight because all she felt was powerless. That's how she felt about her life right now, powerless.  

It wasn't a great feeling. Christen was so in her head that she didn't even know that Kelley had opened the passenger side door and got in. She only came back to earth when she felt Kelley's hand turning her cheek so that Kelley could plant a kiss on it. 

"I don't want to be with her. I want to be with you." Kelley whispered. 

"I was just saying goodbye." Kelley soothed. 

Christen nodded. She could gather that part and she really did understand and believe that she had witnessed Kelley's way of saying goodbye. But she needed some time to just deal with it appropriately. She wasn't mad, she had no right to be, but she still felt the residual pain of her natural response. 

"Are you mad?" Kelley asked when she stroked the thumb of her hand on Christen's face along her cheek. 

Christen shook her head. 

"Are you okay?" Kelley could sense that there was something not right and Christen's silence was loaded with something that needed to be addressed at some point. 

Christen shook her head again. 

"I ended things with her." Kelley said seriously.  

"I know." Christen said with a nod. 

"So then what's wrong?" She begged of Christen to tell her. The struggle, the issue, the problem with Christen was always that she didn't know how to open up. She had gotten a little better with Kelley, but this was something that she wasn't prepared for because it hit home way too hard.  

"I'm a mess." Christen admitted. "And I'm not mad at you, I get it. But I think I want to be alone right now. Okay?" 

Kelley looked devastated. 

"Christen." She begged for some understanding as she searched Christen's eyes. "I want you to be here. Just stay. Please. Just stay." 

It was in her nature to not stay. The entire history of her was proof.  

She felt Kelley’s hand squeeze hers.  

“Christen, you wanna know what I thought the moment I saw you, when you opened your door for the delivery when you first got back...?” Kelley asked. 

She nodded. 

"I hadn't thought about you in awhile, I admit…but the instant I saw you Chris, I realized..." Kelley took a breath. 

"I realized that I've been waiting half my life for you to come back." 

Christen felt just a little bit of heart starting to chip away to be given. 

"I wanna settle my goodbyes. She deserves that." 

Christen nodded. 

"But don't leave again. You just got here." Kelley said gently. 

Christen let the woman's words vibrate all throughout the inside of her car and she knew that Kelley was calling her out in the most direct way and it felt very vulnerable. It was something Kelley was good at with Christen. She had a choice. Perpetuate her behavior, or admit to herself that this was not a situation in which she should leave. 

"Okay." 

In the moment she couldn't verbalize what it was that she was feeling but Kelley seemed to understand because she smiled so big. Kelley understood how big of a win it was herself, and for Christen. She watched Kelley's eyes scan her own for a chance that she would change her mind.  

"You should probably go back to work." Christen said with a small smile. "I'm here with Alex and Serv. I'm going to head back to hang out with them." 

Kelley nodded. "Okay. Will you stay until my shift ends?" 

"I'm staying, Kell." She meant now, tonight, and in general. 

 

** 

 

Christen was sitting back into Kelley's chest as they sat there in the sand when Rachel and a bunch of old classmates of theirs showed up to their spot on the shore. Some that looked a lot different than when she last saw them. 

"Don't worry you're not gonna get pig's blood thrown on top of your head." Alex said with a smirk before she gave Christen's hand a squeeze. 

"I won't let that happen." Kelley said with a chuckle. 

"You laugh, but given the chance, I would totally throw pig's blood over their heads." Alex responded.  

"Okay, Carrie much? We never did something that bad. We were just assholes that hated out own lives so we picked on the people that were secure in themselves." Allie said with a shrug. 

"I never did that." Kelley defended with pout.  

"Yeah, you never did anything." Alex said with a hint of malice. Kelley was a nice person it was apparent, but her inaction left some scars, too. 

"I didn't." Kelley admitted quietly. Christen felt the woman give her a squeeze to her arms and a kiss to the back of her head as an apology of her inaction. She buried her head into Christen's neck while Christen and Alex gave the people that arrived a small smile and tried to put all of their resentment in the past. 

After a few drinking games and s’mores shared over the bonfire, it seemed all was right in the world. Christen looked on at Alex holding Servando's hand and she could see the love, and she felt Kelley holding on her tight like she didn't get to back in the day.

Even though Kelley knew that her friend Rachel was not even engaged in something past platonic with Christen, her grip was even tighter around Christen when Rachel joined their group. 

It was a last minute impromptu gathering that was actually pretty illegal since it was in the wee hours of the morning and these activities were not allowed on the beach, but word had seemed to spread real quickly. And Alex guessed that a lot of people just wanted to drop in and see what the buzz about Christen was. She and Alex weren't wearing outfits meant for the beach, especially Christen since she was trying to get Kelley's attention, but she didn't anticipate the small town mentality of the men acting like vultures of the fresh meat that was Christen. Her dress was just attracting them. 

"I don't like this." Kelley pouted to Alex and Allie when Christen went with a classmate of theirs to get the rest of the chocolate that was in Allie's car. She wasn't telling Christen to not talk to anyone because she wasn't like that, but there was an unease in the freckled woman's posture. Pretty soon, everyone else was talking to Christen. 

"You bagged yourself a rich hottie. Most popular girl in school. You should know what that's like. Deal with it." Allie said. 

"Speaking of popular girls in school..." Alex said slowly when she watched a blonde haired figure stalking towards the big group. 

"Oh shit." Allie ran up to go meet the figure. 

"Is that....?" 

"RACHEL DALY!" 

Everyone turned around to see Kristie Mewis with a beet red face absolutely glaring down the person she just called for. 

"I want to talk to you." Kristie said a lot quieter, because now everyone was watching her. 

Aware that the spotlight was on them, Rachel nodded her head before she went with Kristie far from the fire and closer to the water. Christen felt Kelley's hand grab hers when everyone resumed as normal. 

"Does Ms. Popular have a second to chat?" She asked it with a smile, but Christen could detect the meekness of the woman's words. She let Kelley guide her back to her base of friends and she could see the more possessive display of Kelley's arm around her. It was so high school, but it kind of felt amazing. It kind of felt like redemption. 

"What's going on with that?" Christen whispered into Kelley's ear as she nodded towards the two blondes who looked to be fighting near the water. 

"Kristie's..." Kelley said sadly. "She means well. I mean, she's rough around the edges, but she's pretty soft inside. She's just...she was like that in high school." 

"Desperate?" Christen asked. Not in a mean way, but a curious way. 

"She just loves really hard." Allie chimed in. "Kristie...just has to figure it out. She's just spent years doing things that she really didn't want to do and doing it because it made sense to her at the time, I guess. She's unhappy. But Rach is really making her think about the future that's for sure." 

"Hey, let's go see if they need intervention." Kelley said to Allie. She gave Christen a kiss and a 'don't go anywhere' before they both walked to the shore. 

"Do you believe that?" Alex's voice came from behind and Christen turned to see Alex nodding towards the bickering couple that they were going to. 

"I believe that she's unhappy." Christen said sadly.

She was looking at the scene of Kristie and crew unfold when she got a vision of the same people standing by the shore, but they were standing by their high school lockers. High school Christen and Alex were sitting on the floor of the hallway when she looked on at that group and just wished deep down that she could be that popular in high school. 

But then she blinked, and she could just see a bunch of 30 years old's roped into drama that was meant for teenagers. She could see the most popular girl in school so unhappy and now she realized that she was so lucky to not be Kristie Mewis, the most popular girl in school. 

"Kelley! Fuck off!"  

That got Alex and Christen's attention. They gravitated towards the group and tuned in while the rest of the people on the beach were around the fire. 

"Calm down. I'm just telling you that you need to figure it out with him before Rachel can do anything." Kelley soothed. Christen could remember how affectionate they were with each other back as teens, and she could tell by the tone of Kelley's voice that she was trying to calm her down. 

"This is none of your fucking business! None of you guys! Piss off!" Kristie yelled when she looked at Kelley and Allie. 

"Hey, c'mon." Kelley said quietly. "We're here for you and I'm not going anywhere. I haven't gone anywhere. This is us. You were there for me, and I'm here for you. All of us are." 

"Don't act like you care O'Hara. You're leaving to go onto bigger and better things." Kristie said with hurt. 

"That's not fair." Kelley responded. 

 "Excuse me while I talk to the girl that I'm sleeping with that's talking to your girlfriend over there. Who by the way, can piss off, too." 

Christen registered all of those words.  _Leaving to go onto bigger and better things._  

"I'm not even talking to Christen!" Rachel said exasperatedly. "Fucking ask her if we are." 

"Why won’t you talk to me? Why don't you look at me?" Kristie demanded. "Please let me in." 

"I don't want to be with him. I want to be with you." She said sadly.

Christen felt like Kelley had uttered those same words to her earlier that day. Christen could see the way Rachel seized up and she knew exactly how she felt. Rachel was shutting down and she was pushing Kristie away. 

"I'm going to end things with him." Kristie stated. 

"Don't." Rachel said simply. "I don't want you." 

Christen felt the blow of that one. She could see the devastation on the person on the receiving end of that dagger and NOW she understood Kristie Mewis.  

She looked exactly like Tobin did, Rachel looked exactly like how Christen felt, and this was exactly like the moment when Christen and Tobin both knew the marriage was over.  

She wondered if this relationship was over. She hoped for their sake that it wasn't. 

 

** 

 

"What do you think Kristie meant by bigger and better things?” Christen asked Alex when they were both in the gym office in the next evening.  

“I don’t know. Kelley probably got picked up by a better team?” Alex shrugged.  

“What team? For what?” Christen asked.  

“For the league.” Alex said simply.  

“I mean who fucking knows maybe she’ll end up in Portland with your ex-wife.” Alex chuckled.  

Christen just digested what Alex was saying. She felt herself freeze. Those were all familiar words. They were a part of her painful past.  She thought that it would stay there. In her past. 

“That’s probably why she went outta town. Isn’t the NWSL preseason gonna start? I don’t know much about women’s soccer, so sue me.” Alex said with a shrug as she clicked away on her computer.  

 _NWSL…Portland…Tobin…preseason…_  

 _“_ You good?” Alex asked when it became silent for too long.  

“Alex….what are you talking about?” 

 

** 

 

Christen recognized her car from that confrontation a few days ago when she was out on a run with Alex in the morning. It was around this time that school was gonna end and she knew that Kristie was bound to be making her way to her car. She leaned on it and waited until she finally spotted the woman walking towards her. She felt a little nervous, and little fear. She had to remind herself that she wasn’t high school Christen anymore.  

“I don’t like you.” Kristie said with a question on her face as she scratched her head. “Why are you here?” 

“I’m not talking to Rachel. We never were.” Christen said.  

Kristie stood there for a second and processed the information and then unlocked her door to throw her bag into it. She seemed interested enough to stick around for this. 

“Is she sleeping with someone else?” Kristie asked.  

“I don’t know the answer to that.” Christen admitted. The blonde seemed to be thinking really hard.  

“Does your husband know?” Christen asked. This wasn’t why she had come here, but now she was curious.  

“Of course not. Men are stupid.” Kristie brushed her off. “And he’s not from around here, so he doesn’t know much.” 

Christen nodded.  

“Why are you with him?” 

“None of your business, really?” Kristie said calmly. 

“Why aren’t you with Rachel?” 

There was no answer to that question.  

“I don’t get it. You were out when you were with Kelley…” 

“Not to my parents.” 

 _So maybe some secrets can be kept in this town._  

“It’s different times, Mewis.” Christen shrugged. 

“Not all of us went to California.” The blonde bit back.  

“But look at Kelley, I mean I haven't seen anyone give me a bad look or say something to my face...” Christen threw back.  

"That's because you have no idea what people say about you." Kristie scowled back. 

"Well then maybe you shouldn't care so much about what other people think." 

Kristie just bristled at her words.  

“I…you were okay with it even before I was. I don’t get it.” Christen was confused. 

The blonde shut the door to her car.  

“I don’t want Rachel to know how shitty I feel for making the decisions I’ve made. I don’t need you guys butting in and talking to her about it.” She said with narrowed eyes.  

“I love her. And I let her go for a stupid reason and I regret it.” Kristie said.  

“I’m sure if you just talked to her about how you feel th-“ 

“Christen Press, stop. Don’t give me advice. Honestly. I’m not gonna share my feelings because I don’t feel very good about myself.” 

Christen knew the feeling.  

“Okay.” She said with a nod. “Well if you need a friend, I’m here.” 

Kristie’s face indicated that she wasn’t gonna take her up on that offer.  

“And I’ll get off your car." Christen relented. 

"But I didn’t come here to tell you that I can be your friend. I came here to ask you what you meant by ‘bigger and better things‘ when you said that to Kelley.” 

“Why don’t you ask her?” Kristie shrugged. 

“I’m not ready to hear it from her.” Christen said. She figured that this blonde in front of her was the friend that Kelley had hung out with the night of Tobin’s flowers. Kelley never said that they weren't friends and she had a feeling that her suspicions were correct.  

Kristie sighed. She rolled her eyes.  

“She gets paid shit since she’s not a US player. That’s why she works so much in the offseason. So she might take an offer overseas and she’d be making more than anyone in this town. Which is what she should do..." Kristie said with an eye roll 

"But she might also just move to another club here that’s willing to pay her a living wage. Or she will be a dumbass and just stay here and get a pay raise of $5k or some shit like that.” The blonde shrugged.  

“Okay.” Christen said as she felt very wrecked at the thought of falling in love with another soccer player. It was a lifestyle that didn’t fit with Christen’s past life. But most importantly, because she realized that her homecoming was probably the worst thing to happen to Kelley's future. 

Now she knew what Kelley meant by making big decisions. Now she knew why Kelley knew that Christen was Tobin’s ex-wife. And then she questioned: H _ow did I not know this about Kelley?_  

 _Because she figured you knew. Or she realized halfway that you didn’t and it hurt her a little._  

 _“_ She’s in love with you. You know that?” Kristie asked. This piece of information that was given by Kelley's first girlfriend to Kelley's first love couldn't bulldoze her harder than it did now. She had already heard that L word and Kelley in the same sentence, but Kristie Mewis telling her made it real. Very real. 

Christen didn't respond.  

"You've only been here like what? Two seconds and you've already made her fall in love with you??" Kristie shook her head in disbelief. 

"I guess money does buy you everything." The blonde said. 

Christen stepped back when the blonde swung her keys on her key ring to signal that she was about ready to wrap this conversation up. 

"Hey. Don't fuck things up." Kristie said when she leaned down to get in to her car. 

"Oh. And just fucking tell her how you feel. If you wanna give me that advice, you do it too. Look at Rachel and I." 

That advice was the greatest gift she could have received. 

Christen watched the woman that bullied her back in the day drive off and wondered if life really was beautiful in the way it was giving her a second chance to realize things and people for what they really were. 

She stood there for a long time before she pulled out her phone and opened the contacts list and she navigated to the T’s. The number she was looking for wasn’t under her ‘favorites’ anymore. Regardless, she took a deep breath, thought twice about what she was doing, and then called Tobin Heath. Because that was the only person who could help her right now.  

 

** 

 

She turned to look at Alex who looked very unsure for her best friend. It was an expression she didn't see much on Alex Morgan's face. 

"Chris...do what's best. For you. And for Kelley." Alex said with a sad smile. 

Christen nodded. Then she climbed out of her car that Alex was driving for her and then took a deep breath before she moved forward with her rolling suitcase and found the security line. She looked down at the boarding pass on her phone and hoped that Tobin would remember to be at LAX at the right time to pick her up. 

She texted her to remind her because she knew that her ex had a tendency to be late to things. 

Then she opened her conversation with Kelley. 

Christen: When you get off of work, if you have time, can you do me a favor? 

O'Hara: I'm sorry at work. I would have driven you : (  

O'Hara: What is it 

Christen: I want you to go in my room and open the second drawer.  

Christen: The one with your shirts in it. 

Christen: I want you to open the notebook and read it BUT you need to read the page I bookmarked first. 

Christen: If not, you can't read it :(

O'Hara: Ur letting me read what u write? 

Christen: yes 

Kelley never responded before Christen had gotten on her flight, but she knew that she was probably really busy doing whatever job she was at the moment. 

She rested easy. 

 

** 

 

"Yo!" 

Kelley wasn't surprised that she as going to end up at the Press house even if Christen wasn't there. It was like the old days.  

Channing opened the door and made a joke about using the front door instead of the window, and then she joined them for family dinner. 

She strategically didn't bring up Christen's trip because she knew that her mom would want to talk about Christen's priorities, but she knew that the woman was not completely onboard with Kelley's relationship with her daughter.

"It's a relationship." Channing said with an eye roll when Kelley had warned her to not bring the subject either. "Stop playing." 

Her dad though, he didn't seem to be phased at all by the things he learned when he had caught Kelley sneaking out of Christen's bedroom. That brought her some comfort. She finished her dinner with them like she used to and then Channing nodded to her sister's bedroom to suggest that she just sleep here, because she knew that Kelley was going to sneak in to sleep on her soft bed, anyway. 

It was when Kelley had Christen's notebook in her hand, unopened, that Stacy Press came in and sat on the bed next to Kelley. 

"You know I love you, right?" The older woman asked. 

Kelley nodded. 

"I had a long talk with Christen before she left. And I wanted to tell you some things that I think you should know." Stacy said. 

Kelley braced herself. 

"She's my daughter. I'm always gonna want what's best for her. Even if she doesn't want me to think that way. And I know that she's a very capable woman who needed the time to decompress. I get that." The woman nodded. 

"So I thought that she would take that time and then move on. But I think she's having a hard time to do that because she's with you." 

"Stac-" 

"Wait. Let me finish." 

Kelley nodded. 

"My daughter is happy." Stacy said with a small smile. "I don't even think she knows that she's happy. I don't think it's hit her, yet. But I'm her mom, and I know that she's happy. It has a lot to do with you." 

Kelley returned the smile. 

"She's a grown woman. She's going to make whatever decision she wants, and I can't really do much about it. And if you're what's making her happy...then I can't really be too dissatisfied with this relationship." 

Kelley took her in for a hug. A long one. One that promised Christen's mom something that she wanted. 

"She's there for her interviews. And she might move back." Stacy warned. It wasn't something that Kelley wanted to really deal with right now. Just like the decisions that she had to make pretty soon. 

"I want her to be happy. I've established that. But I want her to be focused, too. So if she can find both, then...that's all I can ask for." 

 

** 

 

Kelley opened the small notebook that had a red ribbon that indicated the page she was to open too, first. 

 

 _I'm falling in love with you._  

 _That's too hard for me to say out loud, right now. I hope you can understand that. It's something that I have to really work at, amongst other things._  

 _But I'll write it again._  

 _I'm falling in love with you, Kelley._  

_I think I'm falling harder this time around because I can't really push it away even thought my first marriage has taught me about the perils of love. It's kind of scary. I haven't been here long and this is something that's making me want to stay in the place that I spent half my life wanting to get away from._

_I actually really do. I never thought I would ever think that. But this town is about you now, for me. I'm sorry if I don't make you feel like you know that. Because it's how I feel. You wanted to know the feelings I have in my head, well there's one of them._  

 _Kristie told me about the offers to get traded to another city, or country for your career. I know that some of those offers could change your life for the better._  

 

Kelley sighed. 

 

 _And as you know, I'm flying to interviews for some jobs back in California._  

 _I don't know what that means for us. I really don't, and I guess that's why we both said that we couldn't guarantee a future. This situation is the reason why._  

 _It's pretty shitty, isn't it?_  

 

Kelley nodded, sadly. 

 

 _But whatever you decide, I don't want to get off this wave._  

 _I don't care if your back home because you're surrounded by a town that supports you, or if you're in a big city to play for another club because they'll pay you. I wouldn't care if you end up on the same team as Tobin. I don't care if you go to play in another country._  

 _You can do any of that, you can do all of that, but I don't want to get off this wave._  

 _I don't know what you have to say now that you've read that, but I hope that you still don't want to get off this wave, either._  

 _If you do want to get off it, well I tried. And I'll be okay with that._  

 _I've dated a soccer player before, I know what that lifestyle is like. I'm more prepared to find love with someone who lives like that, now. It's those second chances, ya know._  

_Regardless of what happens, or what you decide, I want you to read everything in this book. Anything you want._

_I hope that this is enough. Because really it's all of me. And I want you to have it._  

 

 _**_  

 

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Not Like the Movies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something ends, something begins

**

 

Alex’s grumpy face is the first thing she sees when she gets out of the airport. She doesn’t appreciate Christen picking a flight that would land at 3 am, forcing Alex to interrupt her beauty sleep.  

“I think Kelley intentionally booked her trip so that she wouldn’t be the one to pick you up at this hour.” Alex said, her face with a shake to her head.  

“Thank you, Al. I appreciate you. And everything you have done.” Christen said kindly when her friend had put her car into drive.  

Alex nodded grumpily. She didn’t became a decent human being until she had had woken up from her nap that she took in Christen’s bed, serving as the big spoon to replace Kelley. It was safe to assume that they weren’t going to go on their daily run. The gym owner’s schedule has been thrown off way too much for her liking.  

Christen was glad that Alex had opted to hang out at her house because she served as a buffer between Christen and her mom’s early morning rapid fire questions she was itching to send her daughter’s way. Alex had managed to keep Stacy Press occupied long enough that the woman had to leave for work before she could question Christen. 

“So how was seeing Tobin?” Alex asked cautiously.  

“It was..." Christen shrugged. 

“Have you talked to Kelley?” 

She hadn’t. Not for a few days now, and not for more than a goodnight text or an ‘I’m thinking about you’ note that they would send each other at random times throughout the day.  

“I was busy running around and I’m sure she is too.” Christen shrugged.  

“Does she know….that you were seeing your ex..?” Alex asked with raised eyebrows. 

“I wasn’t ‘seeing’ her Al, I saw her.” Christen clarified. “And yes, I told her that I’d be spending some of my trip with Tobin.” 

“And she was cool with it…?”  

For the most part, Kelley was verbally okay with it, but her mannerisms and her behavior indicated otherwise. 

“Do what you think is best.” Was all Kelley had said when Christen had been packing for the trip and she had casually mentioned that her ex-wife was going to pick her up and have a day with her. Kelley was just standing by her dresser, looking down at the floor for three minutes before she moved to sit silently on Christen’s bed and stared straight at the show that was playing on Christen’s TV.  

She had dropped that bomb the night before her flight to Los Angeles, and she could feel that this was going to ruin her last hours with Kelley before Alex was to pick her up.  

Christen spent a few minutes trying to get Kelley to look at her as they sat there on her bed.  

“Can you just look at me and tell me that you want me to have a good trip?” Christen asked if her gently. She knew that this was an unfair request.  

“I want you to have a good trip.” Kelley said with a slight pout.  

“I’m going to be thinking about you.” Christen whispered. With that phrase Kelley finally turned to look at her.  

“What if you don’t come back?” Kelley asked. Her eyes appear to be filled with genuine worry.  

“You’re here. Don’t you know that I always come back?” Christen said. 

They had made love to sooth Kelley’s understandable insecurity at Christen’s reunion with someone who used to call her ‘wife’. Kelley never asked her if she was going to go back to Tobin or if she was planning on reconnecting with her in the physical sense because it wasn’t her place to ask, but Christen could tell by the desperate way Kelley was trying to hold onto her, that she was fucking her like it would be the last time.  

Christen texted her as much as she could before Kelley had announced that she was going to be flying out for more meetings and visits of potential clubs and her phone use would be minimal.  

“Well I didn’t see her much. She’s pretty much in her break mode from all of her gigs here. I only saw her when I was over here for dinner and she was sleeping in your bed for the night.” Alex said.  

Christen felt a little comforted knowing that Kelley had been keeping her bed warm in her absence. It was an intimate thing to do.  

And it also meant that that Kelley had at least read her bookmarked page in her notebook. Just like she wished, and hoped, Kelley didn’t mention anything about it. Christen would need time to talk about it after it was processed.  

“So how were the job interviews?” Alex asked. 

Christen had been to at least two interviews a day. Her week was as busy as her work weeks at her old job. It was refreshing change of scene to be sought after professionally, compared to the calmer days in her hometown. She felt that she kind of missed having things to do. Not necessarily the business, and the type of things she was doing, but she liked the obligation of having to accomplish something every day.  

“For the most part they went well.” Christen shrugged. She knew they would. She was absolutely amazing at interviews and being a business professional so she was never in doubt of her ability to have a successful trip.  

“So...gonna take any jobs?” Alex asked, she was looking down at her hands.  

Alex wasn’t being herself with that question. 

“Haven’t decided yet…” she said as she tried to analyze her best friend’s emotion.  

“Well are you gonna have an answer by tomorrow? Cuz Kelley is coming back.” Alex said with an exasperated sigh. 

“So…what happened between you two? You and Tobin.” Alex asked without waiting for her response. She tried again because that's what everyone was dying to know.  

“Nothing.” Christen shrugged.  

“Nothing?” 

“I mean, I went to dinner with her and had a long conversation.” Christen said.  

“Are you really not gonna tell me?” Alex asked with a raised eyebrow.  

Again, she shrugged. “There’s nothing to tell Al. We talked about everything you would think we’d talk about.” 

The gym owner nodded her head. She knew that this was typical Christen, just needing the time to melt so that her hard edges would give way to the love she really held for everyone. So Christen was a little confused by Alex’s next words.  

“You don’t have to tell me. Chris.” Alex said quietly. “I get it. It’s your real life back in California.  

That’s when Christen realized that it wasn’t just Kelley who would be affected by Christen’s decisions.  

 

** 

 

She didn’t think that seeing Kelley’s parents for the first time in a long time would be as nerve wracking as it was. It wasn’t something planned, and if she were honest, it kind of felt like she was making it too big of a deal.  

“Calm down.” Channing hushed. She looked around the corner to look down the aisle that Karen O’Hara was in. “You’ve met them before.” 

“Yeah but not when I was sleeping with her daughter. It feels wrong now. Like it would be weird to look at the woman who thinks I’m defiling her daughter.” Christen hushed back. She was too hesitant to join her sister in taking a peek.  

“I hardly think that Karen is gonna think that  _you_ are the one doing the defiling.” Channing said with a smirk. “This isn’t a big deal.” 

“Whatever.” Christen waved.  She turned to go the opposite direction into another aisle.  

“Channing!”  

Christen froze when she saw Dan O’Hara looking at her and her younger sister when he looked up from the cereal box he had in his hand.  

“And Christen! Boy I haven’t seen you in a long time!”  

She sort of felt out of place in this small town mentality of everyone knowing each other and hugging on first contact, but she accepted it warmly when he held her at arm’s length and smiled at her like he just knew everything.  

“It’s nice to see the woman that Kelley’s been hanging around most days...” Dan said with a knowing tone. 

She nervously laughed. Christen didn’t know how to respond to that. She didn’t know how much they knew.  

“Oh would you look at that!” Karen squealed when she joined them. Christen was a little more prepared for the hug that she received from Kelley’s mom.  

And that encounter was how she ended up at the O’Hara residence for dinner, without Kelley being present. Channing was invited, and there was no way Christen was going to go to the dinner alone.  

She held on tight to the green bean casserole her and Channing tried to make. She hoped that it was enough. Christen hoped  _she_ was enough.  

“You know, I can see why Kelley is smitten with you.” Karen said warmly when she had opened the door. “I think almost as much as she was back in high school! Right Dan?” 

She looked back at him and he nodded in agreement.  

“You guys knew she had a crush on me in high school…?” Christen asked with a nervous chuckle.  

“Oh god.” Karen waved her hand like it was trivial. She let them in. “Who didn’t?” 

 _Apparently only me._  

Christen could see where she got her kindness from in both of her parents. Kelley got her charm and her ability to disarm from her dad. She could see in the way Dan conducted the room and ran it all. He was irresistible to engage with when it came to his jokes and his banter. But with her dad, you could tell that the whole room paid attention to him. Kelley got her ability to make any person believe that she was paying attention to them and only them, from her mom.  

The green bean casserole was finished by the time they got to dessert, and with a belly full and a smile on her face, Christen was starting to think that maybe she was enough. 

"So, tell us, when is Kelley going to propose to you?" Dan asked. 

"Dan!" Karen called out. 

Christen was mid-bite in her ice cream when he asked, and she managed to keep herself composed, but Channing was not. Her younger sister was coughing really loudly, citing that it went down the wrong pipe. 

"What? Did I stir the pot or something?" Dan asked when he turned to his wife. "She's not getting any younger..."  

Karen apologized for her husband, but Christen felt a little weird. Not a bad weird, but hearing Kelley's name and then hearing and thinking about the word 'marriage' made her feel a little off. She had just spent a week being in the same space with the woman who was supposed to be her one and only. She was supposed to be the only name Christen would associate the word 'marriage' with. Now, hearing it with Kelley's name, even in jest, was making her feel weird. 

"Christen, what I think my husband really wants to know is if Kelley is treating you like she should..." Karen said with a tone that indicated that her daughter better be acting like she raised her. 

"Oh of course." Christen said as she tried to brush off the weird feelings. "Kelley has obviously inherited her charm from you both." 

They smiled. She hoped that they knew she really meant it. 

"I'm pretty smitten by her, too.” Christen said softly. 

"She hasn't talked about someone like this in a really long time." Dan said with a nod to his head.  

"I hope we're not scaring you away." Karen said quietly. 

Channing and Christen chuckled. It was obvious that the O'Hara's were people that couldn't hide their feelings and it was a part of their charm.  

"Dan can be as intense as Kelley, if you didn't notice." Karen said with a smile. She was pretty smitten her O'Hara husband. 

"And we're not saying that you guys are getting married," Karen reassured. "We're just...wondering when she is gonna settle in general. Again, not something for you to be talking about with us old folks." 

"I would figure with her career that she has no plans on settling." Christen shrugged.  

"Well, we're hoping that she can stay in one city and just build roots and a life. She can't be a nomad for long." Karen said with a sigh.  

"But she's recently had talks with me about THINKING about settling down. Oh thank god. Because I've been having this talk with her ever since she's been 25." Karen stated with an eye roll. 

"Yeah, she has said once or twice that she's gonna have to make life-changing decisions." Channing said with a nod. 

"Yep. I'm glad. She's finally planning for the future." Dan said with satisfaction. 

"Oh." Christen nodded along.  

"We're scaring you. I'm sorry." Karen said with an apologetic stare. 

"No! I- it's just, I mean yes she's talked about having to make big decisions but she's said quite the opposite when it comes to settling down." Christen was talking about the relationship aspect, not the location aspect. 

"Oh well then, she's lying." Karen said simply. 

Christen's initial reaction was a chuckle, but after a few seconds she could see the seriousness coated along the lines of the woman's face. 

"Kell's gonna be so mad at you for ruining this for her." Dan shook his head at his wife, while he smiled knowingly. 

Karen sighed. She nodded in agreement.  

"What is she lying about...?" Christen inquired. They were producing an insightful, unfiltered commentary on Kelley's true feelings. It seemed like they knew their daughter pretty well. 

Karen motioned a zipper on her mouth while Dan jumped in, "Kelley's been talking about settling down for a few months now. So..." 

"Does she know where she wants to play?" Christen asked. That could ease some stress of anticipation of Kelley's decision. 

"Eh. It's more that she's wanting to settle down...with someone..." 

 _Oh._  

“Kelley’s definitely going to be mad at us.” Karen said as she looked at Christen with a worried face.  

“I’m sorry!” The woman offered quickly. “You must think we’re bananas. Please don’t think that we’re trying to push the idea onto you.” 

“Yeah. We’re screwed.” Dan said with a sigh.  

“No! Not at all…” Christen said with an unconvincing tone. Even her younger sister was looking at her cautiously.  

“I appreciate the honesty.” She said with a nod. “I guess I just want to get inside her head to understand why she is saying the complete opposite from you guys. I mean- we have had conversations about us and all of that, but to be frank…she and I both talk about no guarantees when it comes to the future.” 

Dan and Karen shrugged. They were clearly trying to reign in the impact of the damage they though they caused, but Christen was in too deep with this conversation.  

“Does Kelley want to settle down with me?” She asked after a long moment of silence. 

 

** 

 

It was around nine o'clock when Christen had walked through the gym doors. She told Channing to take her car home while she would find her way to Alex's gym. She walked in a haze of all that she had learned from Kelley's parents, on the way to Alex. 

She figured that Alex would still be at work since she hadn't heard from her today. Christen knocked on the door that was opened to get her best friend’s attention.  

“I’m not gonna do what I did last time.” 

Alex rolled her eyes. She seemed prepared for Christen’s arrival.  

“Even if I do take a job somewhere else, I’m still gonna talk to you.” Christen pushed. “You’re still my best friend.” 

She crossed the room and sat on the chair across from her best friend behind the desk, her eyes glued to the computer screen.  

“That is if you still want to talk to me.” Christen said sadly. 

“I don’t do committed relationships. So I know when something is over, it’s over.” Alex said. She had her jaw set and her posture adamant to repel any of Christen’s protests.  

She knew why Alex was feeling this and she knew that even though she had told Christen to do what’s best for her, that it would still deeply hurt Alex.  

“I love you.” Christen fought back. “I’m not gonna let you go away that easy.” 

“You say that now.” Alex scoffed. “But it will be easy to do it when you’re in a different state. You would know.” 

“Don’t give up on me. Please.” Christen said quietly.  

“I’m not going to fuck up these second chances.” 

 

** 

 

Seeing her struck Christen a lot harder than she thought it could. Her and Kelley had a tremendous amount of things to talk about, especially after her dinner with the O’Hara’s and their respective trips, but for now, she just let herself  _feel_  all the things she couldn't express out loud just yet. Feeling these feelings, she had to admit that for a long while she didn’t think it would be possible to experience them again. Christen hugged herself by the arms and clutched them tight while she tried to tame whatever it was that was making her come undone.  

“Hey.” Was all Kelley said when she hopped out of her dad’s truck and walked up the driveway of the Press house, towards the woman that had been sitting out on her doorstep for an hour, waiting for her arrival.  

Christen didn’t say anything in response, she really couldn’t talk right now.  

“I miss-“ 

Even though she couldn’t talk, it didn’t mean that she couldn’t tell the woman before her how she felt, without words. It was a slow and filled with longing and she couldn’t help but soften when she felt the readiness of Kelley’s hands to wrap around her with this kiss. 

Maybe not just this moment, but all of them accumulated rendered her speechless because she NEVER thought anything like this could ever happen to her again. Yet here she was, falling in love. Again. 

Their communications had been sparse all throughout their trips but any unease that either of them may have shouldered at the worry of dwindled love, was settled with the want of this kiss. They both inhaled the moment, knowing that regardless of the outcome, this was one of the most beautiful things they could have had in this life. She knew that, especially after her trip. 

When she pulled apart, Kelley just looked at her. It was just like the night she first spent over. It was a look of wonder of what the future may look like if they were to make the right decisions right now.  

“Is it okay if I say it out loud?” Kelley asked.  

Christen couldn’t handle the sight of Kelley asking her that. She burrowed in Kelley’s chest and her embrace and she squeezed tight. She wanted to hold onto her. She wanted to resist and shake her head, but Kelley felt Christen nod her head.  

“I love you.” 

Christen’s hug around her body tensed even tighter as she was trying to keep herself balanced because her world had just stopped spinning and she was dizzy from the force of those words.  

Christen hoped that Kelley would take her silence with understanding.  

“But you already knew that. After reading your book, I know that you knew that.” 

Christen nodded her head. And then she let Kelley pick it up so that the woman could hold it and just look at her.  

This was all fast. A few hours ago she had been questioning how she could have written all of that stuff about a person that, in the scope of her whole life, hasn’t been with for long. Christen just found out what Kelley did for a living. She just met her parents for the first time in a long time. They didn’t have a base of a life to build on like Tobin and her did. They didn’t have a long history of dates, or the experience of buying a house together, or caring for each other when a family member died. Christen and Kelley didn’t have any of that.  

But there was this pull Kelley had on her. Something about the past and the way it was answering a lot of the questions she’s had about her future.  

“You know who I was. In high school.”  

Kelley nodded.  

“I didn’t know me back then. How is it that you knew me before I did?”  

Kelley just smiled. She just shrugged but she still had her hand on Christen’s face. This pull, it was Kelley’s intuitiveness to Christen. It was so strong and apologetic and that was something that they didn’t need to build. It just was.  

“How do I feel like I know you more than anyone?” She questioned with a shake to her head. This was just a fraction of the hours Christen spent with Tobin, her very first love, yet as they stood here on her driveway embracing each other, she felt like she knew more about Kelley than the woman she promised herself to, years ago. 

“I don’t have a book, but I’ve given you all of me for you to have already.” Kelley admitted. 

The breath left her body.  

“You really are a beautiful person.” Christen said quietly. She had predicted that of Kelley the morning after the first night they spent together, and she knew that it was true now.  

It was all fast.  

But it didn’t matter.  

Because when it’s right, it’s right.  

“I love you, too.” 

 

** 

 

They both knew that this profession of the truth, this revelation, wouldn’t solve all of their problems.  

Kelley had a sort of deadline to make her career move, and Christen learned that she was ready to work again. Her trip to California gave her closure to her past, and the reminder of the strength she actually had.  

But for now, the week that they had left before Kelley’s decision was to be made, they acted like teenagers with no real world obligations. Even though it was common knowledge of their relationship, they still snuck into rooms by the windows and had sex in a car because it was cool. But that wasn’t the only way they acted like kids.  

“No. I don’t want him talking to you.” Kelley said with a pout. She had a mixture of shame, anger, and sadness in the way she held Christen from behind while she sat on the barstool. Her arms around her were like that of a kids around their parents legs, begging them not to go.  

“And what do you think? That I’m gonna run away with him?” Christen asked with a chuckle. She smoothed the worry lines on Kelley’s face when she turned to face her.  

“No…I just don’t want him talking to you.” Kelley said softly. Her hold around Christen loosened and it was way of saying ‘I know I’m being stupid, but I can’t help it’. 

Christen ruffled Kelley’s hair and finished the beer she had left in her glass before she pulled a sad Kelley along by the hand. She figured that they’ve spent enough hours here and it was time to call it a night and put an end to Kelley’s misery.  

“I just don’t want to think about you with another person, let alone see it.” Kelley said with a sigh as they walked into the night. Kelley had stayed silent the whole night when they both went on a double date with Allie and her boyfriend. He was friendly to Christen, but he was also friendly to everyone else. She thought that Kelley was just concentrated on his interaction with Christen. It wasn’t until the other pair said their goodbyes that Kelley finally answered Christen’s ‘what’s wrong?’ the whole night she just avoided answering the question and just kissed her sadly.  

“I’m not saying that you were flirting bac-“ 

“I know. I know.” Christen said. She didn’t have the greatest track record when it came to controlling jealousy, herself. She hated to admit that she found it a little endearing coming from Kelley. Because of course she wouldn’t be able to hide it.  

“I’m being childish I know.” Kelley sighed. Christen just let her continue. They’ve experienced this in a milder form with Rachel, but this was the first time Kelley had said something to the person that was flirting with Christen. Allie just chuckled and her boyfriend protested it, claiming his innocence. 

“I just want you. I want you to be mine. I know you don’t like that, I know you don’t want me to call you ‘girlfriend, but I’ve been waiting a long time to have this. To have you…if you’d let me.” Kelley added.  

They both continued to walk, Christen could feel Kelley’s grip on her hand was getting tighter and it meant that this woman was asking her to say something. It was something that they never addressed, but it was Kelley’s unspoken way of asking Christen to let her in.  

And when she looked at Kelley, her face illuminated under the streetlights, she read it, she  _felt_ it. She saw the real source of Kelley’s insecurity dart across her face.  

“Nothing happened between Tobin and I.” Christen said softly.  

Kelley looked away.  

“How could something not have happened?” Kelley asked painfully 

“She was the love of your life, I mean shit you called her wife at one point. I’m not blaming you if you did. It just hurts to think about.” 

Christen let Kelley simmer for a bit.  

“Hey.” 

Kelley looked at her.  

“Nothing happened.” Christen said when she stopped in her tracks.  

Kelley’s face had big puppy dog eyes that were warning Christen that she would die if she was lying. It was the vulnerability on display.  

"It was an ending and a beginning all at once." Christen said.  

"Ending to what?" Kelley asked timidly. 

 

** 

 

 _The greatest thing about Tobin Heath is her smile._  

 _Yes, her body was strong and she was beautiful, but Christen always said that her smile was what made her the one for Christen._  

 _And because they loved each other so purely before, she felt her heart skip a beat when she saw it again the moment Tobin saw her. After all of the heart break and bull shit, this vision and this feeling of her now reminded her why marrying Tobin Heath was worth it._  

 _They didn't say much to each other. On the ride to Christen's hotel, she caught her ex-wife looking over at her every once in awhile. She remembered when they were 20-somethings and those looks meant everything to her._  

 _Tobin opened the door for her like she always used to and then went with her to check in. The way Tobin grabbed her hand before she got on the elevator reminded her of Kelley's hand hold at the bar. It was silent, it didn't need words, and Christen let the elevators close while Tobin just held her hand. Her chest was heaving and her jaw was clenched, but Tobin didn't say anything._  

 _And she didn't have to._  

 _Christen knew all that Tobin was trying to say, but wasn't saying. She let Tobin bring their intertwined hands to her face to touch._  

 _She wanted to cry because she was happy. But she just smiled and chuckled._  

 _"I'll see you in a couple of days?" Christen asked._  

 _Tobin nodded, kissed her on the cheek, and then quickly left the hotel lobby._  

 _When she was in the elevator by herself that was slowly climbing up to the 18 th floor, Christen was looking down at her feet, in awe of how much less it hurt to see Tobin leave. It still hurt. But not as much._ 

 _**_  

 _She wiped the salsa that her ex-wife managed to get on her face. She always managed to do that when they ate their favorite tacos from their favorite food truck. It was their go to spot during the happier times of their marriage._  

 _"So what's so special about Kelley O'Hara that she's making my girl like this?" Tobin asked with her mouth full of food, yet managing to smile. A curious one, not one filled with malice._  

 _"I don't know." Christen said before she took a bite of hers. She put the last bite onto Tobin's to go box that was on the sand, next to her, before Tobin gave her the last bite of her's._  

 _"I talked to her a few times. She seemed nice." Tobin said once she had eaten the last bite and wiped the crumbs off of her hands._  

 _"She's very kind." Christen nodded. "She's very patient."_  

 _Tobin nodded, "That's something she has over me, huh?"_  

 _Christen saw the flash of bitterness that momentarily filled her face. When they were fighting, Christen said that Tobin had no patience and understanding when Christen wouldn't show up to the big games of her life. Christen let her head fall sideways so that she could look at her ex-wife softly, reminding her of the past being the past and the promises that they've made to each other post-marriage._  

 _Tobin sighed. She nodded in understanding._  

 _"She just knows me. I don't know, I haven't spent a long time with her really, but she knows me." Christen explained._  

 _"As much as I do?" Tobin asked._  

 _Christen grabbed her hand and squeezed it._  

 _"Yes. Because you've taught me how much it hurts for everyone, when you don't let someone in anymore." Christen said gently._  

 _"I'm sorry that it took a divorce for you to learn that." Tobin said. Her sorrow was genuine. It was the first time that they've apologized for the shit they've put each other through._  

 _They just looked at each other for a time that felt just as long as their marriage. They were sitting on the sand of their favorite spot, forgetting everyone else in that moment in time and space._  

 _"I was the one for you, I don't doubt that." Christen said. Her voice was shaking, but she held it in. She meant every word of it._  

 _"I'm just not anymore." She whispered._  

 _"At the time, I didn't know what happened to us, and I'm sorry that I didn't know." Christen said. She felt Tobin squeeze her hand back, to get her to keep going._  

 _"Because I loved you with all my heart and if I knew what was happening at the time, I would have saved this marriage."_  

 _Tobin looked away for a long while and Christen could see her wipe at her face._  

 _"Seeing you, right now, I'm thinking about the life we made and the life we couldn't save." Christen said sadly._  

 _It was awhile before Tobin looked at her again._  

 _"Sometimes I wish I could go back and fix it." Tobin admitted. It pulled at Christen's heart._  

 _"I did, too." She responded. They both knew that years ago it would have been salvageable, but the two people sitting down on this piece of sand now, were different from the 25-year-old Tobin proposing to Christen right here in the same spot. They both let themselves change. Without each other._  

 _"But we can't do that." Tobin said with a sad smile._  

 _"It hurts to know that you're moving on." Tobin admitted quietly. They both knew that seeing each other in person would be harder then sending flowers. "But I want nothing more than for my wife to find someone that can love you like I couldn't. I'm sorry."_  

 _It was Christen's turn to look away to wipe some tears away. She turned back around._  

 _"The way you're looking at me, I know you loved me." Christen said when she gave her another hand squeeze._  

 _"But we both know that we ran our course."_  

 _"It was a good run." Tobin nodded._  

 _"It was a great fucking run."_  

 _**_  

 _"It's still hard to know that you're leaving me. Even if it's just onto this flight. Gives me flashback," Tobin joked._  

 _"But I know it's so that someone else can have you." Tobin said gently._  

 _Tobin had her back leaning on the side of her car as she held Christen's both hands when they stood in the loading zone of the airport._  

 _"I fucking loved you Christen Press. You know that right?" It was an impassioned last declaration of the truth of the life they had._  

 _"I have a marriage worth of memories with you to know that I fucking loved you too. You gave me everything, I'm sorry I couldn't hold onto it all. And I'm sorry that I didn't let us have the perfect ending." Those were the words she wanted to say if she were to never see this woman again._  

 _Tobin held her face with her hand._  

 _"I guess...you and me...we're not like the movies."_  

 _They were something real, though._  

 _"Do you love her?"_  

 _Christen nodded._  

 _"Then hold onto her." Tobin said, the tears starting to well. "Don't let what our life taught you to go to waste."_  

 

 _**_  

 

Kelley was holding Christen's body close to her as she snuggled up to her in Christen's bed. 

"What was beginning?" Kelley asked. Christen had her eyes closed but she opened them and looked up to see Kelley was looking up at her ceiling. 

She sleepily gave Kelley a kiss before she asked, "What?" 

"California." Kelley said when she turned to look at Christen's face and she brought her even closer with the arm looped around her. 

"You told me what ended." Kelley said. 

"What began?" 

Christen mindlessly ran her fingers up and down Kelley's belly while she thought her answer over. They still hadn't talked about what the O'Hara's had told her, but she knew that everything they said was true. 

"The rest of my life." She finally said. 

"With you." 

 

**


	7. Running Out of Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kelley understands that Christen just went through a divorce. She understands that those scars will carry into the person she is today.

**

 

“Oh my god.” Kelley said with a clenched jaw as she followed Christen home, ten paces behind.  

“Christen, You’ve been drinking.” Kelley sighed. But her girlfriend was keeping her consistent strut. It wasn’t that Kelley couldn’t keep up or catch her, it was just that she knew that the raven-haired woman needed sometime to process and think about her next decision.  

“You know that you’re not being fair.” Kelley called out.  

Christen huffed. She picked up her pace.  

“I’m not gonna say I’m sorry. You know that you’re being petty.” Kelley said with a scolding tone.  

Christen rolled her eyes. She wasn’t that drunk, she had only had two beers before Alex had shown up.  

“Don’t say that I’m being petty because you think I’m wasted!” She called back over her shoulder.  

“I’m sober and I’m still mad at you!” 

It was Kelley’s turn to roll her eyes. She just irritatingly scratched at her brow and matched Christen’s quicker pace, still keeping the distance between them.  

They walked a good amount of distance in silence.   

It was when they were getting near Kelley’s apartment that Kelley finally broke the silence.  

“Honestly Chris, quit your shit.” 

Christen stopped in her tracks and then turned around to let Kelley know exactly how she felt about what her girlfriend had just said to her.  

“What did y-“ 

“What’s the point in being mad at me?!” Kelley asked as she threw her hands up to note the ridiculousness of this. She had just agreed to something Alex had said. 

“You didn’t take my side!” Christen defended.  

“Because you were wrong!” Kelley chuckled and shook her head at the disbelief of her girlfriend’s defense.  

Christen turned around to keep walking. Kelley’s laughter pissed her off even more. Kelley just groaned. But she followed. She could this all day, every day if she had to. 

“So are you just gonna go to bed mad at me?” Kelley called out.  

Christen didn’t answer.  

“You didn’t have to be like that to Alex.” Kelley said. She heard their footsteps drum the beat. “She’s your best friend. And you know better.” 

“You didn’t hear the conversation we had before you came to town!” Christen called back. “That’s not fair! You’re supposed to take my side no matter what!” 

“Christen.”  

No response other than the sound of their footsteps.  

The next response Kelley received was her own door to her own apartment shutting closed in her face. She rolled her eyes. But when she reached for the door knob to turn and continue this never ending experience with the girl she loved, she just let go and leaned back on the railing of the walkway to her door. She just shook her head as she thought about the trivial things in life that were testing Christen’s temper.  

 _God I fucking love you_ _, Christen._  

She rolled her eyes at herself. Right now, out of all moments she couldn’t help but think about how much she loved this woman. This was so ridiculous and it was the third time this week that Christen was being like this, but she just wanted to spend more time with her. 

She deliberated about what to do next. Kelley knew that it was her apartment, but it was only 300 Sq ft and she was not about to share that space with an unreasonable Christen Press. She was being petty. And Kelley didn’t want that to rub off on herself.  

It wasn’t until around ten minutes had passed into the crossword puzzle she was doing on her phone, that she felt it vibrate, and she saw Christen’s message pop up.  

Christen: where did you go? 

“I’m not going to share a room with you when you’re being like this!” Kelley called out. She knew that Christen would hear her. She smirked when the door flung open.  

“You’re an asshole!” 

“You’re being a child.” Kelley said quietly. She watched with a little amusement as her girlfriend's brain exploded with emotions. Christen’s brain was going haywire with all of the responses she wanted to give Kelley.  

Christen sighed.  

“You made me look an idiot.” She said sadly.  

“Because you were being an idiot.” Kelley said with a nod. She watched as Christen’s teeth clenched down in order to hold in words that Kelley was going to brush off anyways. And as amused as she was at the satisfaction of knowing exactly what Christen was going to do and how she was going to react, she was determined to put this to bed.  

“Why?” Kelley asked with a dry chuckle.  

“Why what?” Christen asked with furrowed brow.  

“Why are you spending all this energy being mad at me? Genuinely- what’s the point babe?” Kelley begged for the answer.  

Christen opened her mouth and then closed it. She swallowed her initial response and then simmered as she thought of another one.  

“I’m not saying sorry. And your anger’s not convincing me to. Agree to disagree. Okay? You were wrong. And if you took a step back you would admit that. I’m not gonna just give you what you want because you’re throwing a fit.” Kelley stepped closer.  

“You didn’t support me.” Christen said sadly.  

“I support you. All the damn time.” Kelley said with a raised eyebrow. She was calling bullshit on that reply. She took another step closer and she noticed that Christen wasn’t backing away. It was a good sign.  

“But I’m not supporting this.” Kelley waved her hand up and down at Christen.  

She grabbed the sides of Christen and brought her closer because she could see that it was time to bring Christen back to Earth.  

“What is this solving?” Kelley asked softly. “When has your anger ever solved anything?” 

She saw Christen’s shoulder sag and her posture lower into herself.  

“There’s nothing in this world that’s worth being mad at me like this right now.” Kelley said gently. “In two days we might not be together, why are you spending your energy like this?” 

She knew that she was asking the right questions because Christen didn’t really have the answers for her. She put Christen’s hands behind her neck before she brought her in closer.  

“Honestly. What’s the point?” 

She felt Christen soften in her arms, and she knew that her girlfriend wasn’t going to answer her, but she did know that Christen was trying to fight this compulsion she had to push things away and latch onto the smallest of things when she was stressed.  

“I love you.” Kelley reasoned. “Don’t be mad at me.” She thought that she had melted Christen enough that she could kiss her.  

She was right. So she kissed her again. And then again.  

30 minutes later when they both had their shirts off and Christen was on top of her, Kelley was just sitting up to spend every second she could looking at Christen’s body. She silently observed Christen play with her hair.  

The way she was concentrating heavily on the strands that she was trying to braid, signaled to Kelley that her girlfriend wanted to say something, but was thinking hard about what to say and how to say it.  

“What?” Kelley asked. She knew Christen was a writer, so speaking about her feelings was harder than putting it down on paper. So she knew that she needed to step in a lot to prompt her.  

“That club in Sweden. Sounds like it’s the best option right?” Christen asked when she finally looked at her.  

“It will give me a shit load of money, yes.” Kelley said before she peppered her girlfriends face with kisses.  

“You should do it. It’s beautiful over there.” Christen said without meeting her eyes. Kelley knew that Christen was struggling with the thought of the other leaving, knowing that it ached Kelley’s heart just as much. They both hadn’t wanted to talk about it, and this was the first that either of them had talked about Kelley’s decision that had to be made in two days time.  

“When I decide, I’ll let you know.” Kelley said softly.  

“You’re running out of time.” Christen responded quietly.  

“I know. So kiss me and tell me you love me.” Kelley requested softly. Her girlfriend had only said it once, and she knew that Christen would be the person that didn’t like to drop that word a lot, but Kelley wanted to hear it again.  

“I love you.” Christen said with a small smile. She collapsed all of herself into Kelley’s arms and they slept on the futon that Christen was just getting used to.  

 

** 

 

Christen was out with her family at a dinner, so Kelley recruited Kristie’s presence to come along on this errand of hers. Her friend needed to stop wallowing. They were standing by the copiers that were not currently producing her product, as she pretended listening to her ex-girlfriend complain about something she wasn’t paying attention to.  

“Can you stop talking?” Kelley asked with an amused smirk. Kristie’s face just made her smile. Kelley didn’t really ever understand anger. It’s not that she’s never experienced it, she was angry at the thought of Tobin and Christen’s wealth, and the thought of someone flirting with Christen, most recently. But most of the times, it quickly morphed into milder frustration, irritation, jealousy, or exhaustion. Anger was always fleeting for her. So when she stared at Kristie’s face, she just couldn’t understand why anyone would hold onto it. Her girlfriends and their emotions boggled her mind sometimes. 

“You’re not even listening to me!” Kristie groaned.  

“You’re talking about Rachel.” Kelley said with confidence. But really she was guessing.  

Her friends eye roll confirmed it.  

“Hey. There’s only so much I can tell you.” Kelley said gently. “You’re married.” 

“It’s not that easy to break things off.” Kristie responded, nodding along.  

Kelley sighed. “We can go round and round. If you want something to change then change it, K. And if you really mean it, then bite the bullet and make the hard decisions so you can have a happier life.” 

“Coming from the person that has yet to tell her girlfriend that she’s made a decision. Scared or what?” Kristie bit back. Her arms were crossed. 

Kelley stood there thinking about it, up until the guy walked back up to them.  

“Here’s the large copy, and the mini travel one. The small one is just the one that you wanted  leather binding on?” 

“Sick.” Kelley responded when she grabbed them both to confirm his question. She stared at the total that was rung up and then hugged herself at the thought of spending that much money. It was worth it. But it still hurt to see the number.  

“Wait wait!” Kristie looked at her with irritation, “you said you’d get that nice pen for her…” 

“Oh right…” Kelley felt defeated. The pens they sold here were like $15 for one.  

“Go get one.” Kristie said when she pushed her in the direction of the fancy shmancy pens that made Kelley a little bitter that Christen didn’t type like everyone else in the 21st century.  

Kelley picked the purple one. It reminded her of her favorite dress of Christen’s.  

“Did you get one?” Kristie asked impatiently, like she was ready to get out of here.  

“Yep.” She said when she held up the pen.  

“Okay. Thanks Rodrigo.” Kristie said to the guy that helped them and then pushed Kelley out of the store, impatiently. 

“Wait- I haven’t paid-“ 

“It’s taken care of. Let’s GO! I’m bored.” Kristie groaned.  

Kelley let herself be guided out of the store by a huffing Kristie, silent for awhile as they walked to their next destination.  

“You didn’t have to do that.” Kelley said. Kristie always did this. And Kelley had a love-hate relationship with this kind gesture.  

“This is why I don’t do nice things.” Kristie responded. Kelley could see her scowling, but she knew that the blonde was saying you’re welcome in her head and smiling inside at being able to indirectly show someone she was kind. Kristie Mewis was a softie.  

“You know I had enough to get it.” Kelley said quietly. She put her arm around her friend who needed a little bit of time to fully accept Kelley’s touch.  

“I don’t know why you insist on spending money on her when she should be the one taking care of you, I mean she’s loaded...” The blonde said with an eye roll.  

“But just use that money to take her dinner or something. When you tell her what your decision is.” Kristie said with a wave of her hand.  

Kelley smiled the whole way to Allie’s place, knowing that the blonde’s annoyance with her countenance was all a façade.  

She wasn’t surprised to see Alex there, sitting on Allie’s couch watching TV.  

“You still hiding out here?” Kelley asked when she bopped the brunette on the top of her head on the way to find the homeowner.  

“Shut your mouth. Why are you taking the trash in? You’re supposed to take it out.” Alex said without taking her eyes off the screen.  

“Fuck you.” Kristie responded. That was all she said before she crossed the room.  

“Okay…but you have to admit that was pretty good.” Kelley  said to the blonde with a shrug. Her friend was not going to admit that.  

 

** 

 

“I think it’s enough.” Allie said with a nod to her head.  

“It’s honestly not up to him. It’s up to me.” She said with satisfaction.  

“Do you need to a copy of it?”  

“Mmmm. Why not?” Allie said.  

“Cool. You keep these and I have this little one in my pocket!” Kelley squeaked with excitement.  

Kristie just rolled her eyes before she went to take out the stuff from the fridge to make herself a sandwich, and the other two started talking about the details.  

Kelley went back to find Christen’s best friend.  

“You know this is stupid, right?” Kelley asked when she sat down next to Alex. The woman didn’t even budge. She just stared right ahead.  

“Why are you even getting into it?” Alex asked.  

“Hey. I’m the one that agreed with you last night.” Kelley reminded her softly. Alex relented.  

“She has no right to say those things.” Alex said sadly.  

Kelley shrugged.  “Al. You’re right. But like…that’s the past. You know that she likes to throw a little fit about small things.” 

“This isn’t small. Dude. She’s going to ditch you too when she picks that job in California. It’s what she does. She doesn’t stay.” Alex reasoned.  

“And this is what you do.” Kelley said softly. “You’re pushing her away just like you do with Serv. And you’re doing it because you love her. You think she’s gonna hurt you because you love her so much.” 

Alex didn’t respond. She just stared at the TV.  

“She was being mean.” Kelley admitted. “But if she leaves do you really want to end on that note? She won’t ever come back if you leave things like that.” 

“Why are you telling me to forgive her and try to be her friend?” Alex asked indignantly. “She’s in the wrong. You should be telling her to say sorry to me.” 

“I did.” 

“Good.” 

“And if she does you need to forgive her.” Kelley said with a raised eyebrow.  “This is stupid. In the whole grand scheme of life this isn’t something you need to hold onto. If she does go, then she will be happy. Why hold onto shitty anger if someone is happy?” 

“You’re telling me that you’re gonna be happy when she drops you?” Alex asked pointedly.  

Kelley’s shoulders sagged a little. But then she bounced back.  

“If you’re trying to hurt me then kudos because it worked.” Kelley said softly.  

Alex groaned. “Are you seriously telling me that you’re gonna be okay with her leaving?!” 

“No! I won’t be! But only for a little bit. I love her and I’ll make it work.” Kelley explained.  

“Then why are you doing this?” Alex said as she pointed at the book in her pocket. “Selfish reasons?” 

Kelley nodded.  “A little, yeah. But it’s just another option. If she doesn’t take it, I’ll understand some day.” 

“You’re annoying.” Alex said with an eye roll.  

“Al, I really can’t tell sometimes if you want us to be together or if you don’t.” Kelley said with a puzzled grin.  

“I want her to be happy.” Alex said with a shrug. “If you piss her off I want her to break up with you. If you make her happy I want her to stay with you. Just depends on what shit you pull next.” 

“I’ll take it.” Kelley said with a smile. She could tell that the woman wanted to, as well. But her will power drove that expression of hers with no feelings.  

“If you want her to be happy, then be happy for her. And just know that she’s gonna come around if you do.” Kelley said gently.  

“You know, if you were friends with her when she was married to Tobin that she would have never divorced her?” Alex said when she finally turned to face Kelley. “You’d be telling her to forgive her and she would be convinced to.” 

“So are you telling me that I convinced you?” Kelley asked with a smirk. Alex didn’t reply.  

“And you’re wrong.” Kelley added. “I wouldn’t have told her to forgive her.” 

“What?” Alex asked in disbelief.  

“I wouldn’t have. I mean don’t get me wrong I would probably want anyone to work it out, but I wouldn’t have told Christen that.” 

Alex put the remote in her hand down. She stared at Kelley for a long time, analyzing and wondering who was across from her.  

“Why not?” She asked slowly after awhile.  

“I would have told her to be with me.” Kelley shrugged.  

“Just like that? Simple as could be? You wouldn’t think about the marriage you were ruining?” 

Kelley shrugged. “It would be up to her if she wanted to be with me at the end of the day.” 

“So you would tell her- profess your creepy undying love for her...even if you didn’t know what she was gonna say??” Alex asked.  

“Well that’s what I did like six months ago.”  

Alex just shook her head. She couldn’t believe it. Well, Alex could but she still found Kelley so ridiculous for putting herself out there like that.  

"And I'll do it again if I have to, Al." 

“Don’t you get scared that you’re gonna put yourself out there too much? That she’s gonna be scared by it? Because she’s like that a lot.” 

 

** 

 

It was midnight, officially the last day that she had before she were to tell her agent the decision and what club she wanted to go forward with.  

And she wanted to spend the first few seconds of it with Christen. 

So, like many nights before, they found themselves at their spot on the beach, only the hanging light hung by the tower was giving them the chance to see each other. The soft glow usually warmed the both of them and melted each other in the arms of the other.  

But right now, Kelley was acting weird. And she knew she was.  

She was trying not to, but it was just hard.  

“What’s up? Why are you so fidgety?” Christen asked with a chuckle.  

“Um…” Kelley took a deep breath.  

“I-I um. I made this.” Kelley said when she took out the little book out of her pocket. She watched as Christen’s curious eyes looked at the leather. She let Christen hold it and open the pages.  

Kelley watched as Christen realized what it was. The text was so small, but to the two people that have read this book, there was no mistaking what it was.  

“You printed a mini version of my notebook?” Christen asked softly. Kelley could tell by the sound of her voice that she did a good thing. She watched as her girlfriend flipped the pages and saw her writing but in a tiny size.  Readable. But tiny. She read the shrunken down xeroxed pages in awe of this gesture. She could see that Christen was feeling something that she wouldn't be able to express right now. Kelley understood. 

“Listen…I made this book because…I want to talk to you about where I’m going and where you’re gonna go for your job.” 

Christen gulped. Kelley felt her heart beat rapidly. She felt nervous.  

“But can I say all that I wanna say before you speak? I just need you to listen to all of it. Please.” Kelley asked. She held both of Christen’s hands after the woman finally nodded.  

“I’m staying here.” 

Christen looked sad. She opened her mouth, but Kelley cut her off.  

“Look. It’s a whole different club. New ownership, new coach, new stadium that’s two hours away from here. And this time I’ll be making a livable wage.” Kelley explained.  

Christen opened her mouth to protest again but Kelley glared at her.  

“I don’t want to go to Portland. That’s too far and- and that team doesn’t need another defender. It’s not the best for my career.” Kelley said. “And yes…a lot of it also has to do with your ex wife. I know that I’ll get paid a lot more there but it’s not what I value, and I just can't...." 

Kelley took a deep breath. “And I’m not going to Sweden. I don’t want to be far from you.” 

“Kelley-“ 

“Stop.” She warned Christen gently. “You promised.” 

“With that being said, I know that you still have to make a decision for your life. And I know that it’s not dependent on what I do.” 

“Some of i-“ 

Kelley shushed her.  

“But I wanted to tell you that I still want to be with you no matter where you go. As long as you still want to be with me.” Kelley shrugged.  

“If you go back to California and you’ll finally let me call you ‘girlfriend’ out loud, then I’ll do that. 100%.” Kelley took a deep breath.  

“But I also want to be honest with you about something.” She rubbed her hands together and she looked down at the mini book in Christen’s hands that she was still holding.  

“I…I…so i…” She bit down to grit her teeth and just do it.  

“I gave a story of yours to Allie and she gave it to a publisher friend of hers, and she wants you to work for the paper here.” She said quickly. She felt relieved. Kelley felt happy. Finally. Regardless of if Christen took the offer or not, she had so much love for this woman in front of her, and even though it made her nervous, she wanted Christen to know that she saw what she loved. And she was good at it. Why couldn’t she consider a career change? Wasn’t that why she quit? 

She watched as Christen slowly handed the book back to Kelley.  

“You gave one of my stories to Allie?” Christen asked quietly.  

“Yeah!” I mean I mentioned to her one day that you loved to write, so a few months ago she just casually mentioned seeing if she could help us out. And then when I got the book...I just showed her a couple of the stories...”  

Christen was still not saying anything.  

“Babe. Look. I- I…like I said. You DO NOT have to take it. I’m- yes I have a selfish reason to it, I cant lie about that. But I just wanted to give you an option that might be worth reflecting on. Not just so that we both would stay here, but also because you love it! And you can make a career out of it!” 

“Everything in that book was for you.” Christen said sadly. Her face did not match the reaction Kelley had in her head.  

“I know. And I’ll keep it everywhere with me.” Kelley said as she put the small book in her pocket 

Christen shook her head to brush away her thoughts.  

“All those stories. All those thoughts. Those were private. For you and only you. I didn’t give you permission to do that.” Christen said, looking devastated.  

Kelley felt her heart sink.  

“Chris-“ 

“I-I have such a hard time opening up a-and you would think that I want Allie Long to read how I fucking feel about you? Are you kidding me?!?” Christen yelled. 

Kelley felt her heart break.  

“I just wanted to do something nice.” She looked away from Christen’s pained face. Her girlfriend was on the verge of tears. “I thought that it would be oka-“ 

“It’s not okay. You did this behind my back. ” Christen said adamantly. The tears fell and she wiped them away furiously before she walked away. 

“Christen.” She desperately called after her.  

She followed her. They did this like everyday, but this argument felt different.  

“Don’t follow me.” Christen ordered behind her shoulder.  

“I’m sorry! I didn’t have that intention! I-fuck I was just- I thought I was doing a nice thing.” She begged.  

“Babe. I didn’t know that you would feel this way. I’m sorry!” 

She caught up to her girlfriend when she had stopped in her spot on the sand. It was a glimmer of hope because Christen was getting better at staying.  

“Then I guess you don’t know me at all.” Christen said quietly.  

That was a stab. That hurt. And Kelley was so weakened by that blow that she didn’t fight her that much when Christen kept walking.  

 

** 

 

Alex: well then let her throw a fit.  

Alex: just like u said  

Kelley: It’s different this time 

Kelley: I think I really hurt her 

She sighed. She was sitting right outside of Christen’s window, her butt on the ground and her back up against the brick of the house. Kelley knocked on the window again, knowing it was futile.  

“Chris. Please.” She said with an exhausted tone. Kelley had been out there for 45 minutes already and she was getting sleepy.  

Alex: y is she mad.  

Kelley: the story I gave to Allie.  

Alex: what about it 

Kelley: she’s mad that I let someone else read it 

Kelley: I didn’t think that she would feel betrayed.  

Alex: wait 

Alex: she’s mad because you got her a job. And published. 

Alex: and that u let someone else read her love note 

Kelley sighed again.  

Kelley: I guess so 

She got up and took the lawn chair from their backyard and put it right next to Christen’s window so that she could at least fall asleep for a little bit. Kelley knew that even though Christen was being ridiculous, that she was genuinely hurt by Kelley’s well intentioned actions. They would resume this fight when she got a little more asleep.  

But she sent Christen a note before she closed her eyes.  

O’Hara: I love you  

 

** 

 

She was woken up by the shake to her shoulder form Christen’s dad. She rubbed her eyes and then she accepted the second cup of coffee in hishand.  

“So. The royals huh?” Cody Press asked.  

“Yeah.” Kelley said with her voice still sleepy.  

“Is it true that you’re gonna get a brand new, free car? They’re giving you one? Finally?” 

“Finally.” Kelley replied with a still sleepy smirk. She sipped on the drink.  

“Well I’m happy for you.”  He said gently. He had pulled up a chair and sat down next to her and they both sipped on their mugs silently for awhile.  

“So what happened here?” He nodded his head to the window behind them.  

“She’s mad at me.” 

“What did you do?” 

She explained to him about the situation from her point of view. As she talked she could sort of understand Christen’s feelings. She was a private person. Those thoughts were personal. It was hard for Christen to share it with her, and she could understand the betrayal her girlfriend must have felt. Kelley started to get sad. Those were things that she didn't consider, but she should have. She should have known. 

“How much does that job pay at the newspaper?” Cody asked curiously.  

Kelley shrugged and chuckled, “Not as much as what California would pay.” 

“Ballsy move if you did that without knowing how’d she react.” He said with a grimace. Cody knew his daughter.  

“I…” Kelley sighed. “She doesn’t have to take the offer. We can forget about it. I told her that I’d still want to be with her if she moves back over there.” 

Cody shrugged. “I think she’s just scared.” 

“Of what?” 

“Of you.” He said with a smile.  

“Why?? I’m adorable.” She joked. They both laughed.  

“I think you’ve scared her from the beginning.” He said with a nod to his head when the laughter died down.  

“How? Why?” Kelley asked defeatedly.  

“Because she’s in love with you.” He said like it was the most obvious thing in the world.  

“She’s…she’s happy again. I think that scares her. She feels like she's the more vulnerable one. I think it still gets to her sometimes. Cuz…I mean you could do real damage to her. She’s already refurbished.” He shrugged 

“She could do real damage to me.” Kelley admitted. Christen really could.  

“That what love is kiddos!” He boomed. He got up from his spot.  

“Get her permission next time. Second chances are worth fighting for.” He said before he gave her a tap on the shoulder and left her to her thoughts.  

Then.  

Kelley looked up with widened eyes. She got a brilliant idea.  

 _She might not like another one of your brilliant ideas._ _.._  

 _Fuck it._  

Through the front door she stormed through the house and then through Christen’s bedroom door.  

“What are you doing?” Her girlfriend asked with a pout when Kelley unapologetically rummaged through their shared dresser.  

“Um…” she had to think fast. “I’m getting my clothes if you don’t want me to be here.” She said back.  

It was a total lie. But she kind of thought it was a brilliant response and a good mask for her real intentions. Kelley was never good at lying. But this was important. She fished for it. She knew it was around here somewhere. She had put it somewhere here awhile back. 

“You’re taking your stuff?” She heard Christen ask quietly. She could hear Christen get out of her bed. 

She didn’t answer when she found the object of her desire, wrapped it in her shirts that she picked up, and then turned to her.  

“I’m going to need these for the apartment I’m gonna move into. It’s like 45 min from here.” Kelley said with a nod to her head. She couldn’t believe that she came up with that response. It wasn’t a lie this time. But she was a little impressed. This was important, her psyche could tell.  

Kelley watched as Christen looked down at her hands and then failed to say what they both knew she wanted to say. What she should have said to Tobin in the past. And What she should have said right now. 

But she didn’t expect her to. Kelley loved her. She knew this was how Christen was gonna react. Kelley kissed her on the cheek and then ran out of there as fast as possible. This decision of hers could fuck this all up, or salvage everything.  

She would have to try.  

 

** 

 

“You’re a fucking idiot. That’s why!” Alex yelled.  

“I know Alex!” Christen said back.  

“That’s the most romantic fucking thing I’ve ever heard someone do!” Alex said with a disbelieving face.  

“She still went behind my back…” Christen explained desperately. She was desperate to find a concrete legitimate reason to keep holding onto her anger with Kelley.  

“Oh whatever! Potato, tomato.” Alex replied.  

“Al, that’s not the phrase-“ 

“What the fuck ever!” Alex irritatingly replied.  

“You’re letting this one slip away. Again.” She scolded. “Let it fucking go. She doesn’t have a second girlfriend, she just managed to get one of your stories published…” 

“It’s published...already…?” 

“Yes you fucking dumbass.” Alex said with an eye roll.  

“Someone published that…?” 

“What? Are you scared that someone’s gonna read it and think that you actually have feelings??” Alex waited for the response.  

Christen hugged herself. She wanted to keep her feelings contained. “No…I just…didn’t think that someone would publish that…” 

“Well someone did.” Alex said quietly.  

Christen put her head in her hands and then groaned. “Okay. I fucked up!” 

She saw through her widespread fingers, Alex mouthing, “no shit Sherlock.” 

“Where is she?” Christen asked.  

“Rachel took her to her apartment out there.” 

“She left already?” Christen asked. She sat on her bed and felt like she had her broken heart in her hands, left with no one to fix it. She needed a handywoman to fix it, and she had missed her chance. 

“Well, She has training tomorrow.” Alex said. Her anger with Christen was starting to abate a little. The raven-haired woman laid back down on her bed in defeat.  

 _You couldn’t save this one either._  

 _Even after a se_ _cond_ _chance._  

She started crying. Hard.  

And it wasn’t until Christen cried out that she was sorry to her best friend that Alex finally laid next to her, and held her like she knew Christen wanted Kelley to in this moment.  

 

** 

 

Channing was looking at her really sadly. Christen knew why. But it hurt to talk about it so her eyes warned her little sister not to bring it up. Especially since Tyler was coming back today.  

She didn’t want to hear it.  

Christen wallowed in bed.  

 _You were just getting better._  

She thought about her mistakes. All of them. She had taken one step forward and ten steps back. And here she was, feeling like maybe this is what was worse than rock bottom. Christen would have to go back to California, away from all of this, to fix herself. Again.  

She heard the knock on her door and she just closed her eyes in anticipation that it was her mom telling her to suck it up.  

“Hey.” 

She jerked. It was out of surprise. She wasn’t expecting that voice so early, and the way it was so soft.  

“What’s up…?” She slowly asked Tyler.  

“Can you get coffee with me?” Her older sister asked. It was a gentle ask. Gentle, unlike Tyler. Her posture and her face expressed that she was all caught up with the drama in Christen’s life.  

“Tyler. I really don’t want a lecture.” Christen begged.  

Tyler shook her head. She shrugged. “What am I gonna lecture a 30 year old about?” 

That was unlike Tyler.  

“Get dressed. I already told Alex you’re not gonna run today.” 

Christen got dressed. Slowly. She was confused by her sister’s behavior, and also she was getting really sad because she reached for one of the T-shirts that Kelley had forgotten and put one of them on. She knew it would depress her even more, but she couldn’t help it.  

“I talked to Tobin yesterday.” Tyler said as she sipped her coffee. She was sitting in Alex’s usual spot across from her.  

 _Here we go._  

“She seemed okay. A little calmer.” She said with a small smile. “She told me that you were looking for jobs out there again…” 

The little sister nodded. She didn’t know where she was going with this.  

“I also talked to Kelley.” 

“Excuse me?” Christen almost choked on the hot liquid.  

“I called her yesterday. After her practice.” Tyler said with a shrug. “Just wanted to check in with her because her first preseason game is tomorrow." 

The little sister shook her head.  

"You talk to Kelley?!?" She asked in disbelief. 

"Of course. Kelley spent Christmas with us one time when her parents were on a cruise." Tyler said with a furrowed brow. "Mom tells me that you're like stupidly in love with her." 

Christen groaned. Everyone knew everything and she was the one left in the dark. It was like high school. 

"She misses you." Tyler said softly. 

Christen really missed her too. It was scaring her. These past few days were like the days she had when she first got here. It seemed so long ago. 

"I know you hated me telling you how I felt about Tobin, so I'm not gonna say how I feel unless you want me to." Tyler said with a raised eyebrow. 

 _Fuck._  

"Just tell me." She said, preparing herself. She figured that she'd just pile it on top of the rest of her miseries instead of waiting in anticipation for it. 

She's literally 45 minutes away. That's what Tyler explained to her. 'Hold onto her' that’s what Tobin told her. Tyler gently, not harshly, reminded her of all that Tobin had taught her. Those mistakes, those decisions she wished she could reverse, well she couldn’t do that for them. But she could still reverse and fix this one with Kelley. 

"It's not too late." Tyler reminded her. 

"I need time. Can I just process what you're saying?" Christen pleaded. 

Tyler nodded. She sipped on her coffee while Christen did her mental thing.  

 

** 

 

"Hey." 

She looked up. 

Rachel Daly. 

"Hey." Christen said back.  

"Allie wanted me to give you this. She said that you might want to see it." Christen took the rolled up newspaper that was in the blonde's hand. 

"Oh my god...did Allie seriously publish my story in here??" She asked, the breath leaving her body suddenly. She didn't want to find out. 

Rachel chuckled. She pulled up her chair to sit next to them. 

"No. But you should turn to page six. You'll want to read this one." Rachel said with a smile. 

She did just that.  

She saw an article on the upper right corner of the page titled: 

 **Don’t** **Be an IDIOT Christen Press** by Cody Press, Channing Press, Alex Morgan, Allie Long, and Kristie Mewis.  

That last name intrigued her more than the title did.  

 

** 

 

 _Dear Christen,_  

 _I've always wanted to tell you how beautiful your hair was. Sometimes, I spend all_ _algebra class_ _just staring at it. I've never seen someone with prettier hair._  

 _I've always wanted to tell you how confusing your eyes are. I don't know what color they are. It changes some times. I guess that's why you catch me looking at you all the time. I'm trying to find out what color they are.They're pretty mesmerizing._  

 _I've  recently come to terms with the fact that you're just always gonna catch me staring, so I feel like I'm accepting it. To this day, I still don't know if_ _they_ _'_ _re_ _green or brown or gray or blue. I hope that it's okay that I'm just trying to find that out._  

 _The first few times that you've caught me staring, I sorta panicked. But I've found comfort in those stares because maybe...you know how I feel about you too? Because I have a lot of feelings about you and for you._ _Everytime_ _you stare back for a second, I'm wondering if you know what I'm trying to say...maybe... I guess that’s why I keep looking at you..._  

 _I hope you know that you're all I think about. Im too scared to say it, so I have to put it in this letter. Im not the greatest writer, but this is the only way I think I can tell you how I really feel. I mean the prettiest girl in school who also happens to be class president is pretty intimidating. Its like you don’t care what other people think about you and it really inspires me._  

 _Sorry if that's too much._  

 _I know that you read a lot of books so I know that you're trying to read between the lines and wonder if I'm crazy or not. Maybe I am?_  

 _I just cant help it. Seeing you with your nose in a book is just cute. So please don’t blame me._  

 _I ~~think~~_ _I'm in love with you Christen Press. If you want to be my girlfriend then meet me at the soccer fields_ ~~_tomorrow after school._  ~~

 _I didn't get to sign it before, so I'm signing it now._  

 _Love,_  

 _Kelley_ _O’Har_ _a_  

 

 _**_  

 


	8. Beautiful, Nonethless (Suffice it to Say)

**

 

She wanted to run away from her problems. That was her tendency. But she couldn’t do that anymore. Maybe in her 20s. But she would have to stop doing that now. She wasn’t in her 20s.  

So she physically ran instead of figuratively. Christen ran the six mile path Alex and her had forged for themselves, while she tried to get rid of the bad juju surrounding her and her relationships.  

It was helping a little. She was getting rid of the anger she was harboring for everyone from preventing her to go to Kelley right away.  

“Um. No. You’re not going to see her until you make a decision.” Alex said.  

“Alex. I’m a grown ass adul-“ 

“Who needs to make her decision already. Don’t interrupt her focus until you’re sure with what you’re going to do. Here or California?” Alex asked with an eye roll.  

It took her and Rachel to literally steal her keys so that Christen wouldn’t drive off to see Kelley. 

“Yes it’s what she wanted.” Alex sighed. “But c’mon dude. She’s decided her path and now you have to let her know what yours is gonna be. You can at least give her what she gave you. A decision.” 

This run. It helped her get rid of all of the feelings that she had to strangle her best friend.  

Everyone had something to say about what she should do. She felt useless and powerless because four days had already passed since Kelley’s letter had been published in the town newspaper.  

She was pretty sure that most people probably read the news online or got the newspaper in a mobile version, but for the last few days, she saw that  _everyone_  had a physical copy of the issue that contained Kelley’s letter. People just stared at her and Channing just told her to ignore them. They were all just curious and fascinated by what a city girl could stir up in this old town of hers.  

“Man. She fucking put her heart literally out there for you to catch or shoot down.” Channing said with a disbelieving shake to her head.  

“Along with everyone to judge her high school self.” Channing said with a grimace.  

“Shit, dude.”

Her little sister was right.  

When Kelley had told her that she let someone else read her story, she felt like it was a violation. A sort of betrayal. Even when Kelley was knocking on her window and chastising her for being rude by not opening it, Christen was already starting to come back to center.

It was a violation.  

But she could see it on Kelley’s face, she could see all of the love she was trying to put into this gesture. It was one of the most complex gestures that Christen has ever had to break down to properly receive.  

The sound of ‘Allie Long’ and ‘reading’ both enraged her and made her feel embarrassed. It didn’t matter if the story really was embarrassing, but the thought of someone being able to  _read_ it, to consume her thoughts was intimate. She had only intended for Kelley to have that ability. And that was even still a daily struggle of hers to surrender that control to the person that knew her the most.  

Then when she talked about it getting published or about some guy that Allie knew, she grew fearful. Someone else was in charge of her thoughts and determined if it was good enough. She just intended for Kelley to evaluate if it was good enough.  

But of course, when she woke up to see her dad and Kelley talking about something outside of her window, Christen sat on her bed and just watched them. She was coming down from her anger. Seeing Kelley talk to her dad made her remember how much Christen loved her. How easily Kelley found her spot in her family, and of course, her heart. 

She lied to that woman.  

Kelley really did know her.  

It was a beautiful gesture. One that she learned that she actually loved.

And Christen had every intention of telling her just that until Kelley said that she was moving out. Seeing her take some of her clothes was heartbreaking. She didn’t take as many things that Tobin did out of the space they used to share, but it was just as devastating. Christen was paralyzed by this moment, just like she was back then.  

The only difference was that Kelley kissed her on the cheek, while her ex-wife never looked her way again until the year had passed.  

And then realizing that Kelley published her most vulnerable feelings from when she was a kid, well she proved Christen wrong. There were more vulnerable things that Kelley could do than trying to publish one of her stories for people to read. And this was Kelley once again, putting her heart on her sleeve and asking Christen if it was enough.  

 _It's been enough since day one._  

 

 _**_  

 

 _"_ She said that she would still be with you if you go back. _"_ Stacy said with a shrug. 

This time Christen was listening to her mom. She had a great point. Kelley would be away from her if she were to live here anyways. She would be training five days a week and then be flying to another city to play a game. There would be something every day when the season started. If she moved back to California, there were still accessible ways for Kelley to hop onto another plane to LA or for Christen to just fly out to whatever game she could catch. 

That wouldn't be any different if she lived here in their hometown. They would still be in different cities. 

Christen already her bag packed and stowed away in the corner of her room, ready to go, but she knew that Alex was right. She needed to bring Kelley an answer when she went. She felt that it was unfair in the beginning for everyone to expect her to give them an answer that she hasn't come up with in the past six or seven months, and then expect her to make a decision in three day’s time. But she also remembered how she truly,  _deeply,_ eminently and wholeheartedly, loved Kelley O'Hara. 

It was fast. It was crazy. But it was real. And her love was more intense the second time around.  

She mulled over her options for a few hours. Christen texted Alex to be ready to take them to the stadium that night, because she was going to make her decision. 

But first, before she made the most important decision in her life, probably even more so then when she quit her job, even more so when she signed those divorce papers, she needed to go on a run. It was important because it was just like her second chance at love. She didn't want to fuck this one up this time. Christen had to be sure. And she had to be ready. 

So, she went on a run. A long one. One that let her old self feel satisfied at the sensation of running away, but one in which its path would always lead back to Indy. Always lead back to Kelley. That's what being 30 taught her. Convince your stupid self. 

She slowed down just a little and checked the watch around her wrist. She would have to go home and call Alex so that they could get moving. It would be dark outside on the drive, and even though the trip was probably only two hours from here, she would like to get a move on. So she took a deep breath and then forced herself to decide by the time she got home. Christen sprinted. 

She thought she had already decided, but she was giving herself one last chance to think it over. These things needed to be thought over. They were life decisions. Ones that loomed on the horizon and could spell disaster for her. She wanted to respect the process, but she could see her finish line 100 yards ahead. She took off. She decided. 

 

** 

 

"You look so cute!" Alex squealed. 

Christen glared at her. Her and Allie Long had intercepted her path to her finish line. They became literal road blocks to her future. 

"Stop pouting, we have some good news to tell you. We can start off with – I was wrong about something! Turns out Allie had just talked to the gu-" Alex said with a smirk. 

"Alex!" Christen yelled in frustration. "You literally interrupted the best run of my life. I was figuratively running to the finish line! I just made the biggest decision of my life and I wanted to finish my race!" 

Allie Long had bugged out eyes when she looked away from her spot in the driver's seat. She clearly thought Christen was crazy.

"Well then go..." Alex said as she waved in the direction to Indy.  

"You ruined it!" Christen said with a semi- serious jaw clench. It was laughable but at the same time, still irritating. 

"Oh my god." Alex said with an eye roll. She shook her head at the runner while the two of them slowly drove next to the Christen at a slow pace. "It's just a 50 yard sprint, calm down, it's not 26 miles..." 

Christen huffed. Her best friend still ruined her cinematic moment. 

"Tell you what, Christen Press. This is your second chance. On the count of 3, you're gonna race Allie's car to Indy." 

"Wha-" That was unfair. Christen protested. 

"Fine. Don't take your second chance." Alex said with a shrug. 

Christen didn't wait for Alex to count before she started sprinting to her finish line. For real this time. 

Of course Allie was probably only driving along at 15 miles per hour or something, but they both let Christen get there first. When she put her hands over head and then looked at her friend, she got a vision of the most popular girl in school looking at her in the school parking lot, sneering at her and high school Alex when her and high school Kelley drove by. 

She blinked. 

She now just saw a different, more popular woman smiling at her. Those second chances, they really bring about redemption. 

"Get in." Alex said to Christen after she caught her breath. "We got someone for you to meet." 

 

** 

 

“Hey. I thought you were gonna be gone?” Channing asked. She was confused and she let the backpack on her shoulder slowly slide off of her as she looked at Christen and Tyler sitting on the couch.  

“She was.” Tyler answered for her.  

“I’m just gonna go tomorrow.” Christen said quietly. “Or maybe…I don’t know maybe another day. Whenever it’s…” 

The youngest sister sighed.  

“Christen. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t do that. Kelley’s been waiting for you to come to her.” Channing shook her head.  

"I know that." The middle child said softly. 

"Literally Chris. Literally. She's been waiting for you to show up at her doorstep. Just like she did the first time you saw her this year." Channing said sadly. 

"I know." Christen repeated. 

"So then why are you still here?" The youngest sister inquired. "I thought that you said you were gonna tell her." 

"I will...just not yet."  

Both her and Tyler could see the way Channing was heartbroken by Christen's actions. That was her best friend. She was hurting too. 

 

** 

 

"Hey." Kelley answered the phone.  

"How is everything?" She asked before Kristie could respond to her greeting. 

"Annoying." The blonde replied. Kelley rolled her eyes because she knew that response was coming.  

"How is finally having a car? And living in a place that’s not a shithole?" Kristie asked. 

"Stupendous." Kelley said. Then she heard the silence. She didn't like that silence. It meant Kristie knew something.

"How is Christen?" Kelley asked. She almost whispered on the phone so that her roommate wouldn't be able to hear her." 

"Last I heard, she's still snobby and rich." Kristie said. "She's...according to Allie she's still trying to decide if she's leaving or she's staying." 

The soccer player chewed over that piece of information. It's not that she regretted publishing her letter, she was actually kind of proud. It was a second chance to redeem herself. Her high school self. But she was starting to feel her heart tear a little bit more when she would look at her phone and Christen still hadn't messaged her. 

"Does she know that that dude wanted to publish it?" Kelley inquired. 

"Yeah, I think she knows." Kristie said softly. "I think that's why she's still thinking it over. She’s still thinking about Allie’s offer, too.” 

"Maybe I overstepped, K..." She sighed. 

"You know, you're really annoying when you're like this. You were only hot back in the day because you were confident." Kristie said. Kelley could hear the smirk and the attitude with that statement. 

"How are you and Rachel?" 

She waited a long time, letting the silence count the seconds before Kristie answered, "I left him." 

More silence. 

Another minute of silence. 

"What?" Kelley finally asked. 

"I said what I said, O'Hara." The blonde replied.  

Kelley killed the conversation. She knew that Kristie couldn't see her but she tried to tame the big smile that was growing on her face. This was what Kristie wanted to tell her.

"Fine. When are you getting here? It's another hour drive to the stadium." Kelley asked. It was about time for her to hit the hay if she wanted to get a healthy amount of sleep before game day. 

"I don't know. In time for the game." Kristie said.  

"Hey..." 

"What?" Kelley asked when she turned off the lamp in her new and nice bedroom. 

"Does she know that your first game is against Portland?" 

 

** 

 

Christen sat down and folded all of Kelley's clothes that were left behind. She looked over at the bag that she had packed to still go see Kelley. She sighed. She wished she could go now. But, to quench that feeling, she just folded and refolded Kelley's clothes. 

"I think that Kelley won't mind if they're not folded perfectly." 

She turned around to see her mom right outside her bedroom door, looking at her with soft eyes. 

Christen wanted to avoid this conversation. She was dreading it. Just as much as she was dreading having to live back with her parents more than half a year ago. 

"I just have to so that I can pack them tight. Don't want to carry a lot." Christen said. 

Stacy nodded. 

"You okay?" Her mom asked. 

She nodded slightly as a response. 

"Alex told me about the book." She heard her mom say. Christen rolled her eyes, but she wasn't going to be mad at her best friend. What was the point? And she didn't ask her not to. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" 

"What kind of question is that?" Christen asked with a shrug. "I didn't tell you because you’ve made it clear that you want me to go back and choose California. I know your opinion on what my next career should be, mom." 

She turned back around to resume her folding. Christen didn't hear her mom move from her spot. 

"Alex also told me that Allie's job pays like under $40K. You used to make $340k." Her mom said quietly. 

"I know mom, I know." She groaned. She started angrily stuffing Kelley's Under Armour shirts inside the small bag she wanted to put them in. 

"Well...you don't need to make $340k in this town to live comfortably." She heard her mom say. 

 

** 

 

Her scariest nightmares had come true. 

Alex had ditched her and she joined the popular group in high school. She had those fears on repeat back in the day, and she had a tiny amount of insecurity of that when she found out that Alex did in fact hang out with Allie Long and that crew nowadays. Yes, Christen grew past that bitterness, and she had learned that she actually knew nothing about the people she had pre-conceived notions about. Christen learned that they were all good people, including Kristie...sometimes. 

But she was suspicious when Alex didn’t show up for their morning run. She could do it without the gym owner, no big deal, but it put some questions in her head. 

The answer to those questions came in the form of the sight of Alex in the passenger side seat of Kristie Mewis' Kia as they drove up to here on her run. 

"Get in." Alex ordered. 

"Uh...why...?" 

"We have to leave now if we want to make it in time for kickoff!" Her best friend impatiently uttered. "Get in!" 

Christen still resisted. 

"Oh MY GAWD Press!" Kristie groaned. "We don't have time for you pull your shit. Let's go!" 

Christen turned to Alex who had the same expression as Kristie. 

But we have to wait on-" 

"We have it!" Kristie said. "We have your bag too. Let's go." 

"But do you have both-" 

Allie Long poked her head out from the back seat with a big smile in her face. She had both of them in her hands. 

She saw Rachel poke out her head too. "C'mon Christen." 

She still hesitated. Christen was looking at the only person that would be able to convince her. She still had insecurities. 

"They're ready." Alex said softly with a nod to her head. 

"But he said it was gonna take like a wee-" 

"I coerced him." Alex said softly. She wasn't going to expand on that. Christen felt little tears welling. "Well it was a team effort." 

She pointed at Kristie and herself. 

"Thank you." Christen said as she put both of her hands on her heart and looked at the only other person in this world that had as big of a part of heart as Kelley and Tobin. 

"What are best friends for?" Alex responded gently. 

It was their way of saying I love you. It was just as beautiful as those three words. 

"OH MY LORD LESBIANS! This is not a date!! Get in the fucking car!" Kristie Mewis yelled. 

 

** 

 

Tobin was getting to her. 

She was being extra cheeky with the ball when she went up the side that Kelley was defending, and by the 34th minute, Tobin had burned Kelley so bad that when she found herself on the floor the third time, she had slapped the turf so hard when the ball had rolled out of bounds because she had at least managed to get a toe on the ball. 

"Chill out, O'Hara." She heart Tobin chuckle when she jogged past her to get open for a throw in by Kling. 

That laughter riled her up even more. 

Her teammates managed to calm her down in the locker room during halftime, but that was halftime. Because of a tactical change that Laura thought was best, Kelley had switched to left back at the whistle of the second half, and Tobin was on the opposite side. But three minutes in, on another throw in, she found that Tobin was behind her, heading for that ball. She never left that side. 

And she hated that she did it, but right outside the box when Tobin megged her, and Kelley had realized it last second, she stuck her foot up, stud ups, and took Christen's ex-wife down by the ankles.

The ref pointed at the penalty spot. 

The huge crowd protested. And so did Kelley. 

"That's outside the box!" She yelled. "Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s bullshit!" 

"Doesn't look like she's kidding." Kelley heard Tobin Heath say behind her. 

"What did you just say to me?" The competitor in her was taking over and this time, she understood why people would want to hold onto anger. She was closing the space and she was just asking for another yellow to be shown to her, the red soon to follow. 

"I said it doesn't look like she's kidding." Tobin said gently. She was looking at Kelley very strangely. It was calm and she wasn't sneering. She was kind of saying it gently. Like to reassure her that things were going to be okay. Kelley didn't know how she gathered all of that in the three seconds it took for half of her teammates to drag her away from the famed midfielder. 

Tobin put the ball on the spot, and then turned to look for Kelley. Kelley felt her chest heave when she saw Tobin nod to Lindsey to take the kick and then stood right next to her. 

"Has she answered you yet?" Tobin asked without looking at her. Kelley furrowed her brow. Her teammates around the both of them were too busy watching Lindsey talk to the ref for them to hold Kelley back. 

"What did you say?" She spat. 

"Has she answered you yet?" Tobin said a little louder. 

"What the fuck are you talking about, Heath?" Kelley was beyond irritated. She wanted the play to start again. 

"You know..." She turned to see Tobin looking at her with a small, ever so small smile. 

"Taking me out in the box isn't something that's gonna give the Royals their first win. Your anger ain’t gonna solve anything." 

Kelley rolled her eyes.  _This is what Christen must feel like with me. It's fucking annoying._  

Her shoulders sagged when Lindsey Horan put it in the corner and it hit the back of the net. It was all of her fault and she knew it. Anger never solves anything. When she turned around to go back to her spot at left back, she saw that Tobin was still staring at her, not moving from her spot.

"It's a very beautiful story by the way." Tobin said seriously. This was the most serious she's ever seen Tobin Heath on the field. Even when they had seen each other when Kelley had visited Jill awhile back on one of her trips to meet with the national team staff. 

"I wish I wasn't just the first chapter." The midfielder look away.  

"But it was beautiful, nonetheless." Tobin said with a nod to her head. 

Kelley watched her jog to other side, as she wondered what in the world Christen's ex-wife was talking about.  

 

** 

 

The Royals lost 1-0. 

She felt shitty all throughout the game, but she took a deep breath and then stood in her spot so that it would all melt away. She slapped hands with everyone else but Tobin Heath when she made her way back to the locker room. She changed into her post game clothes, put her backpack on, and then grabbed her car keys out of it. 

 _Her own_  car keys. As they jingled, she smiled at them. It was one positive of moving here. She walked out with Taylor to the parking lot to their brand new cars. 

"Hey." 

It was Tobin, leaning on her car. 

Taylor just waved goodbye and then let them be alone in this dark parking lot. 

"Here." The woman threw a rectangle wrapped in brown paper at her for her to catch. "She thought I didn't play nice, and she didn't believe me when I said that I was the nicer one. So she told me to give you this so that I could apologize to you." 

"Can you believe that? After eight years of being together, she doesn’t believe _ME_?" Tobin asked with a chuckle as she shook her head playfully. 

"Anyway, this is what mine looks like." Tobin said with a face that expressed the pathetic nature of this small mini book in her hand, compared to the brick in Kelley's. “Oh well, I got her first white dress. That makes this all okay.”

"She said to not read it till you get home. I'd listen to her if I were you." Tobin said with a smirk before she started to walk away. 

"But I guess..." Tobin looked sad for a second when she turned back around. Then she chuckled.  

"The whole point is that I'm not you, huh?" 

Kelley still hadn't answered. 

"That's my girl." Tobin said with a bittersweet tone.  

"Take care of her." 

 

** 

 

Kelley put her backpack down and then checked to see if Taylor was already asleep. The game was exhausting, so she wasn't surprised to see her roommate passed out on her bed. Kelley gently closed the door to her bedroom. 

K: Hey. We're here at the hotel. 

K: Just wanted to give you space.  

K: You can be a bitch after you lose a game 

Kelley softly chuckled. 

K: Tell us when you can hang tomorrow 

Kelley sat in the armchair and let her exhausted body settle as she looked at her backpack. It had the package inside of it. She knew what it was, but she didn't know what it meant. Her girlfriend, if she could still call Christen that, hadn't communicated with her in a week. The radio silence seemed to be a pretty clear answer to her for the last couple of days. Especially if Tobin was implying that Christen had searched for Tobin after the game, instead of her.

Alex: Fucking read it already 

Alex: How do I know ur just staring at it... 

Kelley just laughed and shook her head. She walked to her backpack, took it out, and then sat back down. She didn't want for this wave to crash. She didn't want Christen to go away. She didn’t know what this meant.

 _Fuck it._  

She tore the brown paper off and then ran her fingers over the plain looking cover of the book with the Title: 

 **Second Chances**  

She looked on the spine to see Christen's name. 

It was the story that she gave Allie. Kelley smiled. She would at least be able to keep this with her if she couldn't have Christen. It wouldn't be enough, but...it was something. 

She opened it to see all of the copyright details and the name of the dude that Allie had mentioned. Then a bunch of numbers to note the ISBN. It was legit. 

She flipped through the pages to see if it was actually filled with Christen's words. It was. She's read it a million times, but she would read it from the beginning because ALL of it led her to this second chance. Kelley didn't want to think about how it ended in real life. Because at least she tried. 

 _At least you tried._  

She started from the beginning. Back to page with the copyright details. She turned all of the pages, even the blank ones because this was Christen Press' book. 

And then she turned to the Dedication Page. 

 

 _You don't have to read it again. Suffice it to say that I love you, Kelley O'Hara._  

 

She closed her eyes and then held that open book to her chest while she tried to contain it all in. 

Then she heard a knock on the door. 

Kelley chuckled. She also wanted to cry.

She got up to answer it. 

"Hey..." 

"Hi." Kelley smiled really big. 

"Kelley O'Hara. I haven't seen you in a long time. What have you been up to??" Christen asked with a smirk. She reached for Kelley’s hand, a bag of food in the other  

Kelley softened. 

"Waiting for you to come back." Kelley said as she looked at the woman that she never stopped loving. 

Christen gave her a kiss that they both melted into.

"You're here. Don't you know that I always come back?"

 

**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a good one. This fic will forever have a small fluffy part of my heart.

**Author's Note:**

> sordidassorted.tumblr.com


End file.
